TV With Laura: The Bachelorette Episode 3

I apologize. The day got away from me, and I wasn’t able to expound on The Bachelorette as early as I would have liked. Okay, that’s only partly true. You see, I have a friend–perhaps you’ve heard of him? Zac Crain? Anyway, he wrote this book, ,so I wanted to drink a beer (or six) with him in honor of his achievement yesterday. So by the time I sat down to watch the show, I wasn’t really in the mood to take copious notes. And today, I’ve been a little blue about the fact that while Zac is writing books, I’m chronicling Jillian’s quest for love on the set of an old-timey Western. But, we can’t not talk about last night’s episode, right? We’ll just hit the highlights.

The program begins with Ed and Jillian on a one-on-one. I like him a whole bunch–I thought it was very endearing that he looked sort of caught off guard. I also like that he’s super direct. When Jillian asks if he has any questions for her, he answers, “I want to know if I’m going to get a rose.” He does, of course. I’m not sure how anyone could look someone in the eye and reply “Nope”–and he clearly deserves one. Anyway, they make out and all is well.

The group date is where this episode completely goes to hell. Remember how last season, Jason and the girls invaded the General Hospital set? If you’ll recall, it made my eyes bleed. This episode makes that one look like Masterpiece Theater. Jillian and her gang of 11 merry men visit that mysterious ghost town where the Brady Bunch was locked up by that cranky old gold prospector back in 1971. It’s lights, camera, action time! The gang gets in costume, peruses the script, and gets down to business. The good news: No one in Hollywood should worry about any of these folks stealing roles. The bad news: We have to watch her kiss countless dudes. Our old friend Brad refers to himself as an “ultra bada**.” He also opines, “I gave her one of the best kisses of her life.” The other guys do not agree–they make fun of him, and I think it’s Tanner who says, “It looked like one of the worst kisses I’ve seen since 1983.” I don’t know what that means, but it makes me laugh.

Robby is kind of growing on me. Maybe it’s the fact that he makes drinks for a living; perhaps it’s the fact that he lives in Spring, Texas. Whatever the case, I think there is real chemistry there.

Wes, I still hate you. I hate your dumb song. I hate that you’re talking about “weeding people out.” All I can say, anytime you’re on screen, is “Strum, strum, strum.” It annoys all of the guhls to no end, but I don’t care. The only solution here is for Jillian to weed HIM out, which she won’t do. Sigh.

Anyway, back to the action in the hot tub: Tanner P., what is wrong with you? As a woman I work with noted, “Why does he have to be from here?” He’s rubbing her feet all over his face. He later remarks, “I’m here to suck on some toes.” and I died a little inside. Does this man date a lot in Dallas? Does anyone know anyone he’s accosted?

I won’t go into the whole Sasha date too much. I thought he was a nice enough guy–probably too nice for the show. My ex-boyfriend tells me he works for Accenture–hopefully, he’s managed to hang on to his job. I’m sure lots of girls in Houston will want to date him now. So, right, I have no beef with Sasha. I do, however, wish ill on whoever made the call to dress Jillian in a romper paired with the neon heels she donned while washing the car in the Episode 1 montage.

Can we talk about David’s anger issues? What in the world is happening to him? Is he on a bender? He looks worse with each passing minute on the show–his eyes are red, the circles underneath have become darker, and his rage is a real mystery. At the end of the episode, when he pounces on Juan and once again brings up the whole shot incident–“You faked the shot! That, to me, is disrespect.”–it’s just weird, right? And when he follows it up with an “I’ll kill him,” you start to wonder if maybe the producers should step in and get this guy some counseling…or at least replace the scotch with coffee

One last observation–I wish it were mine, but it was my friend JJ’s–have you ever seen 30 Rock? The episode where Liz Lemmon’s boyfriend has lived in a bubble his whole life because he’s so good looking? She thinks that’s what’s happened to poor Kipton. “Ooh. Bad kisser,” she said, shaking her head after watching he and Jillian smooch.

So elimination: Tanner F. and Brad must bid us adieu. Should we place bets on how long Dave will last? He’s one of my picks, but even I can’t wish him on Jillian.

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