IF YOU DON’T MIND THE SIGHT OF BLOOD IN THE COURTROOM, YOU CAN WIN BIG

YOU’RE READY to dump your spouse and you want to go for blood. Texas law provides you many opportunities, as long as
you’re vicious and adroit enough to follow a few simple rules. Here are the dirty secrets of some of Dallas’
nastiest divorce lawyers, brought to you without the usual $150 per hour fee. Some are creative, while others are
cruel and possibly even illegal. But what the heck. You wouldn’t be reading this if you wanted to be noble and
self-sacrificing.

What you want to do is take your beloved to the cleaners, and we’ve put together the rules to help you:

Rule 1: Draw first, ask questions later. This is an old Texas custom with a new twist. We’re talking bank
funds here. On the way down to the courthouse (where you will ask the judge to keep your husband or wife from
spending or removing family property), empty the joint checking and savings accounts. Then spend the money.

Rule 2: Don’t fire until you see the whites of their bank statements. This is really directed toward you
ladies, as are most dirty-trick suggestions. (When you’re on top, you can afford to fight fairly.) One of the
hardest things about a divorce fight is pinning down the amount of money and property in the family. You’ll want to
know the size of the pie you’re gunning for. Before you file divorce papers, spend a month or so collecting deposit
slips, check stubs, credit card statements, and other vital records. Your husband probably will give them to you
voluntarily, if he doesn’t know what you’re up to.

Rule 3: Buy now or pay later. Daddy probably will be much happier paying medical and dental bills for kids he
lives with, so have the youngsters taken care of before you file your divorce papers. Same goes for the house, which
might need a new roof or foundation work. Same goes for you, for that matter. If you need clothes to work in, or
your car needs a new battery or new tires, buy them beforehand. If you need vocational training, pay your tuition
before you file.

Rule 4: Pay too much for everything, as long as it’s not your money. Let’s say you plan to divorce the sucker
in June. Beginning in January, if you pay the family bills and plan to keep the house, overpay all your utility
bills. (Just enough so that you’ll have a month or two of free service once the divorce is filed, mind you. You’ve
got to be subtle about this.)

Rule 5: Here’s one for you guys. It’s called, “Bury yourself in debt.” In other words, take on lots of
long-term financial obligations that will render you unable to pay all but the smallest child support or (God
forbid) temporary alimony payments. No judge wants to force you into bankruptcy, unless it’s obvious that you’re
trying to follow this rule.

Rule 6: Another one for the husbands worried about support payments. It’s called, “Take a pay cut.” Some
people carry it to extremes and call it, “I’ll starve before I pay that woman one nickel.” But let’s be reasonable.
Even bankruptcy won’t save you from taxes and child support. You need some temporary poverty. So delay any big deals
or shipments that could jack up your income just before a court hearing.

Rule 7: Save it for a rainy day. This one is so simple we’re embarrassed to repeat it. If you’re a
breadwinner, skim a little off your paycheck each week and keep it in a bank account nobody knows about, or in
traveler’s checks, which can be replaced if you lose them. If you’re a wife or husband getting a weekly allowance,
skim off some of that and any cash gifts you might receive.

Rule 8: Elephants never forget, and maybe that’s why they live so long. If your spouse has an affair, you
might forgive, but you shouldn’t forget. Stash any good evidence -credit card slips or 8 mm movies -where it’ll be
handy later. Same goes for evidence of cruelty or any other bad things your spouse might do to you. Claiming
mistreatment can get you a larger-than-normal share of your joint property in Texas; even if you don’t make a formal
plea, the stuff will be useful in negotiation. As in, “Gee, John, you know I still care for you and I’d hate to have
these pictures get in the newspaper.”

Rule 9: Look out for your spouse’s best interests. As in, “Naw, honey, we don’t need two lawyers fightin’ and
takin’ our money. Why don’t we just use ol’ Bill?” Bill, of course, double-dated with you in high school. Another
popular variation: “Sure, darlin’, I’d love to make support payments. But don’tcha think it’ll make you feel less
independent?”

Rule 10: A favorite with North Dallas housewives. It’s called, “Garage sale, everything goes.” First, kick
Daddy out of the house, and tell him to take all his garbage with him. Naturally, he won’t do it. As soon as his
feet hit the pavement, sell his camping gear, television, Betamax, and model-airplane collection. You won’t get much
money, but maybe you’ll feel better.

Rule 11: Don’t take the law too literally. Texas does not allow for mandatory alimony payments, but if the
unhappy couple owns any property or valuables the court can order one party – say the husband -to make “periodic
payments” to the other party – say the wife – to offset the value of those holdings over a few months or many years.
The payments may look and smell like alimony, but Texas’ Supreme Court does not think they taste like alimony. Even
when the lower courts have not tied the periodic payments to any specific property, the payments have been upheld.
So go ahead. Ask.

Rule 12: Get ugly. Texas judges can take a lot of things into account when dividing property or setting
support payments. One of them is the earning power of the spouse in question – usually the wife. Everyone knows ugly
people don’t get very good jobs. When you go into court, it might not hurt to look like 90 miles of bad road.