Not many recappers would leave the comfort of home on a rainy Saturday for a trip to Freed’s Furniture, where you can afford your dreams. But because I love you and affordable dreams, I drove to Plano for the store’s grand opening in order to check out an appearance by our friend, Bachelor Sean Lowe. Some things that may surprise you: Sean Lowe was making an appearance at Freed’s Furniture. There was an abundance of young girls there to snap a picture with Sean. (I always imagined The Bachelor to be a mom-jeans show.) But perhaps most surprising, a salesman claimed to have sold three sofas in no time. But whatever! Good for everyone! It was way more exciting than this week’s show. Let’s join the gang in St. Croix and get this going.
I’m not friends with girls who like my boyfriend. While this is generally a decent motto, Tierra seems to forget that she is on a game show. After checking into the hotel, she demands a cot that she can set up in a common area rather than suffer the pain of rooming with another contestant. This does not go over well.
Let’s get carried away. Personal organizer and foster child AshLee gets the first one-on-one. Upon hearing the news, Tierra sings, “The cougar’s back in town” and explains that AshLee is 32 years old. And by the time Tierra reaches the old, old, old age of 32, she hopes she will have a husband and family by then. “Why hasn’t she found someone? She’s 32!” she shrieks.
Luckily, AshLee is able to ditch her walker and join Sean for a day at the beach. The couple makes out, swims, makes out, jumps off a catamaran, reenacts the beach scene from From Here to Eternity, talks some crap about Tierra, and makes out some more. Later, AshLee dons a crop top and the two dine seaside. Sean wants to know if there’s anything he needs to know about her and she confesses that she got married when she was a junior in high school and was divorced by the time she was a senior. Not a senior citizen. A senior in high school. But as Tierra might point out, that was A MILLION YEARS AGO. AshLee has grown up a lot since then. She’s not about to jump into that sort of thing ever again, right? The indiscretions of youth are far behind her.
AshLee tells Sean she loves him.
Let’s explore our love on the streets of St. Croix. Tierra is chosen for the second one-on-one and the lady is not pleased with her dream date. She wanted something better like, “boating.” But everyone has their cross to bear, and for Tierra it will be sweating up the streets of St. Croix. She and Sean explore the city and he buys her a couple of crappy trinkets and lotion. “He bought me the most incredible things that anyone could buy anyone on a first date,” she says. One of the trinkets happens to be eternity bracelet. When Tierra shows up at Sean’s house in the middle of the night next week, I think Sean might regret that purchase.
Anyway, they stumble upon a parade and Tierra pretends that she’s fun. “I love to dance. And I love to have fun.” Note: fun people do not feel the need to talk about how much they love having fun. But Sean excels at taking off his shirt—reading people is not his thing. “Tierra’s energy is off the charts,” he says.
Sean finally gets around to the nasty business that must be covered. He asks Tierra how things are going in the house. She claims that everyone is jealous of her because she got the first impression rose (doesn’t it feel like 100 years ago!?) but that it doesn’t really matter. “These girls aren’t going to be around much longer,” she purrs.
Night falls, and Tierra, too, dons a crop top. But she soon realizes that a crop top alone isn’t going to do it for her. She senses that Sean is having some doubts. So she does what she needs to—she tells him she’s in love with him and they make out. Sean says that he knows that she’s not nice to the other girls, but he finds her genuine. “There’s definitely sparks with Tierra and I,” he says. Well played, Tierra, well played.
Love is on the horizon. Sean wakes up Kathryn, Desiree, and Lindsay at 4:30 am and whisks them away in a Jeep so that they can be the first people in the US to see the sun come up. From there, they go on a roadtrip. They see a donkey. They hang out at a treehouse. They go to the beach to watch the sun go down.
“This is shaping up to be my best time so far,” Sean says. I think Sean is one of those simple people who is always having the best time. And good for him.
There’s a rose to be rewarded on this thing, and the contestants are playing to win. Lindsay has overcome the stigma of showing up on the first night wearing a wedding dress. Sean loves this lady. Catherine reveals that Sean won’t be meeting her dad on the hometown date because he’s in China. She could have left it at that, but she adds that he has also attempted suicide. So that’s helpful. Also, I think she has a nose ring. No judgment; I just never noticed it before. Des lets Sean know that she wants to find someone and be with that special someone for as long as parents have been together, approximately 132 years.
In the end, suicide attempts and promises of eternity are not enough. Lindsay walks ways with the rose.
I hope our love stands the test of time. So Lesley, the political consultant, is up for the final one-on-one date, and Sean has some high hopes. He says that they aren’t where they need to be, so what could be better than picking avocados at the Mount Washington Estate? Lesley wants to tell Sean that she’s falling in love, but something—the camera crew, dignity—prevents her from doing so. There’s some awkward kissing. The date sucks.
I’m not going to sit around in a group and talk about high school stuff. I’m 24 years old. Tierra is pissed. Her Harry Potter scar is positively glowing. She knows the girls have been talking trash and she’s not going to take it anymore. She mocks AshLee for being so OLD. She throws around adages like “When you throw people under the bus, it actually backfires.” She claims she can’t control her eyebrows. She accuses the girls of being jealous of her “sparkle.”
Unfortunately for Tierra, around this time, Sean decides to pop by so that he can introduce Tierra to his sister. (His sister seems like a nice enough lady, by the way. She tells Sean that choosing the lady who has no friends seems like a bad idea.) Tierra tries to explain the situation. “I’m so sensitive, and I have such a big heart,” she says. She’s being framed. The girls are out to get her. Then she sobs. A word to Tierra: acting lessons. Get some.
Sean goes outside to have a think, and when he returns, Tierra’s fate is sealed. She is forced to go home in a mini van.
Rose ceremony. Nothing to report. To no one’s surprise, Lesley is given the boot.
Shine bright like a diamond, Tierra.
