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My Formal Offer to Michael Irvin to Come Work at D Magazine

What it lacks in salary, it makes up for in perks. And friendship?
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Michael, if it would make you more comfortable, you can absolutely use a handheld mic when you do our announcements. Stephen Luke, CC BY 2.0 , via Wikimedia Commons

Two days ago—is it really only Wednesday?—I mentioned in my Leading Off post that former Cowboys wide receiver and mink coat enthusiast Michael Irvin was out at the NFL Network, his longtime post-playing career home. I added that we could probably find a desk for Irvin at D HQ.

I wasn’t joking then, and I’m not joking now. Since I can’t prove that the Playmaker is not a regular FrontBurner reader, I am going to address him directly from here on out. So, here goes.

Michael, this is a formal offer: come work with us.

What would you do? Short answer: whatever you want. (Within reason! We have lawyers on retainer but not enough to fully defend a “White House”-level scandal.) Long answer: whaaaaaateverrrrr yoooooouuuu waaaaaant.

Sorry. Off the top of my head, I think you would be a natural at heading up our weekly Monday Morning Huddles. No offense at all to Cory, who works upstairs and is a real champ at being the emcee of that particular shindig at the moment, a post he has held for some time. But, I mean, even if you have Harrison Barnes playing small forward, you don’t say no if Kevin Durant wants the spot. You know? Cory is a natural with dad jokes. But he cannot compete when it comes to wearing a tie with a knot the size of the Incredible Hulk’s fist.

If you want to write, we have essentially an infinite amount of room at our sports site, StrongSide, and you obviously have the requisite ability to fire off A Take, not to mention the kind of on-field (or court) experience that currently is lacking from our roster of writers. Or maybe you’d prefer to take on a new challenge. I’m sure your sartorial expertise could find a fairly natural fit at D Weddings, since we tend to see things from a bride-heavy POV. Or SideDish. Everyone likes to eat.

OK, now, as far as salary goes, I’m not saying we won’t pay you, but we certainly won’t pay you at the level you are used to, not as a pro athlete or even a broadcaster. But you can expect Tiff’s Treats cookies on the reg (they just show up, and I’m almost never clear why), and some restaurant or bar brings us lunch or afternoon snacks and/or drinks generally a few times a month, or else there are sandwiches or whatever left over from meetings. Speaking of leftovers, occasionally we have an event in the office and for a week or two afterward, there are spare beers in the fridge. So: desk beers.

Also, we are about to set up a cornhole game in the hall.

Author

Zac Crain

Zac Crain

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Zac, senior editor of D Magazine, has written about the explosion in West, Texas; legendary country singer Charley Pride; Tony…
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