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The Arboretum Is in Full Bloom

| 2 days ago

The Dallas Arboretum has always been one of my favorite places in the city, in springtime especially. There’s a nice breeze off the lake and the sun is out. And then there are the tulips. The tulips of all different colors are part of the 500,000 spring-blooming bulbs that make their appearance during the Dallas Blooms festival, starting tomorrow and running through April 9. This year’s theme is Peace, Love, and Flower Power. So you can guess that the scenery has a 60s vibe.

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Sports & Leisure

Rangers Add Unholy Abomination to Menu at Spring Training Games

| 2 days ago
AVERT YOUR EYES!
AVERT YOUR EYES!

As you may or may not know, the Kansas City Royals and the Texas Rangers share a park in Surprise, Arizona, during spring training. At said park, there are obviously concession stands. At those stands, they occasionally add new menu items to keep things fresh. One of those new items is called the Triple Play. Why the Triple Play? Because it is:

A 1/3 pound hot dog is wrapped in a 5.3 oz burger patty and secured in two slices of bacon for $8.75. Ask for a ladle-full of nacho cheese on top to round the bases! ONLY 890 CALORIES!

Surprise, as in “Surprise, you are having a heart attack” or “Surprise, your pants don’t fit anymore.” “Surprise, your wife left you.” (via)

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Politics & Government

City Council Report: What’s the Best Way to Waste Time?

| 2 days ago

dallas_city_hall

Wednesday’s City Council morning open mic session began with regular speaker Robert Chicarelli, whose last appearance a few weeks back began with an angry exhortation to the council members to “pay attention, very much, right now.” Chicarelli, who is homeless, began this time by noting that we don’t know what newly minted City Manager T.C. Broadnax did regarding homeless issues in the previous cities he oversaw and that he should thus be prevented from doing anything here until we know what he’s going to do. He also accused Broadnax of being an insider, as well as an outsider, insomuch as he’s new to Dallas, even though Chicarelli himself is clearly a Yankee with an obnoxious Yankee accent. He concluded, as he did last time, with a threat to “go to jail on purpose” this weekend.

The next speaker, another homeless fellow, also went after Broadnax, though on grounds that were more difficult to follow, later accusing Mayor Mike Rawlings of having roped off the seats directly behind the speaker’s podium so that the black and Hispanic schoolchildren who were there for a field trip wouldn’t appear on television. Then the mayor and the homeless man got into a dispute over whether the homeless man could use his remaining 36 seconds to just stand there or if he had to sit down if he didn’t have anything to say. A compromise was made by which the fellow continued talking, this time about how Rawlings’ family owned slaves. Actually, you should just watch the whole thing here, starting at 5:23.

Next up was the woman who wears complicated homemade t-shirts bearing confusing numerological displays and, in this case, a slogan denouncing “heterophobia.”

Complicated_shirt

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Local News

Leading Off (2/24/17)

| 2 days ago

John Wiley Price Pleads Not Guilty. But opening arguments in the Dallas County Commissioner’s federal corruption trial will not start until Monday, as one juror was hospitalized due to a serious illness and had to be replaced. Also, it took hours for a federal prosecutor to read the 107-page indictment aloud. Price is accused of taking more than $900,000 in bribes in exchange for helping businesses that were seeking Dallas County contracts or approvals.

HUD Is Examining How Dallas Spent Millions of Federal Dollars. Since Tuesday, federal officials have been at City Hall, searching for files related to single-family and apartment projects financed with nearly $30 million in government funds between 2012 and 2014. Dallas’ own auditor has said these files don’t exist. The investigation is expected to end today.

Downtown Protestors Criticize Trump’s Removal of Transgender Bathroom Protection. About 100 people gathered in Belo Garden on Thursday night to denounce Trump’s decision to retract protections allowing transgender students to use restrooms matching their gender identity.

McKinney Man Sings Whataburger’s Praises. In a video that’s been viewed more than 5 million times, Christian comic Fred Thomas belts out his love for the Texas fast-food chain’s honey butter chicken biscuits to a gospel tune. Watch the full video here.

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Society

Matthew E. Perez: ‘Dallas’ Most Blue Blooded Bachelor’

| 3 days ago

Matthew_PerezTake a minute to appreciate the full greatness of Matthew E. Perez — businessman, philanthropist, socialite. Says so right on his website. Here’s more:

Matthew E. Perez was born in Dallas, Texas and lived in a Highland Park apartment before moving twice and ending up in a suburb of Dallas. Mr. Perez has been referred to as Dallas’ most blue blooded bachelor as he is only eight generations removed from the Royal British throne. He is also distant cousins to John F. Kennedy, George Washington, and George W. Bush.

From an early age Mr. Perez has a knack for business to the point of starting a small operation at the age of eight years when he sold the contents of airline vanity kits to his friends and family. By the age of 16 Mr. Perez had already thought of more than 500 ideas for patents and businesses. … Today Mr. Perez is nearly 20 years of age and has been offered a duchy from a foreign head of state as well as been offered several movie and television roles.

Mr. Perez’s “personal assistant” emailed our receptionist to say, “The Office of Matthew E. Perez would like D Magazine to run an article on Mr. Perez to promote him as a successful young person.” Consider it done. This joker is going to go far. 

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Sports & Leisure

My Night at Malarkey’s

| 3 days ago
Photograph by Jen deHay
Photograph by Jen deHay

My wife, Melissa, runs a Novice Night tennis clinic in North Dallas once a week for lesbians of limited athletic ability. Many are young and are less concerned about learning the finer points of the Western grip and more concerned about finding a date. Some are married and are just desperate to get out of the house and away from the triplets for a night. Some actually know how to play tennis but are cheap and come because the court is free and they find it enjoyable to get yelled at by Melissa, who turns into a fairly butch drill sergeant in her chosen domain.

The other night Melissa had a huge turnout of 19 novices and assorted others (the record is 20). The weather was lovely. But around 6:30, the sun started going down and the timed lights hadn’t turned on. By 6:45 the whole place was pitch black. Half a dozen ladies who fancied themselves to be the handier ones of the bunch made repeated attempts to flip the light switch—which was already in the On position—to On, to no avail. Several suggested positioning cars toward the court and turning on the headlights. As one of the older ladies had already fallen and claimed to break a wrist earlier in the evening, Melissa declared the night a bust. Six of us decided to go out for beers instead, and the two Addison residents of the group suggested a nearby Irish tavern by the name of Malarkey’s.

When we walked into the bar, we realized we may have made a fatal error. It was Trivia Night.

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Transportation

Will Rural Texans Derail Metros’ Dreams of High Speed Rail?

| 3 days ago

In the Texas Tribute today, erstwhile (and much-missed) Dallas Morning News transportation writer Brandon Formby has an extended report on the current status of Texas’ high-speed rail project. If you’ve been following the bullet train story, there’s isn’t a tremendous amount of news in the piece. Houston and Dallas want to connect their booming metropolitan areas with a high-speed rail line that would suture together the cities, creating a 90-minute-travel-time lifeline between Dallas and the Texas port, catalyzing the development of a mega-region that could compete globally with some of the worlds’ biggest markets. The cherry on top: the whole project is being funded by private investors without any need for taxpayers to pony-up dough for a big infrastructure project.

It sounds like a slam dunk, especially in Texas, which, in spite of its growing political divides, still greatly prizes private investment, economic growth, and expanding trade.

Or is it?

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Politics & Government

Reason Magazine: ‘Dallas Is About to Go Broke’

| 3 days ago

There’s not much new to chew on in this short piece from the March issue of Reason. Just more of the same: things don’t look great in Dallas. I was talking to a North Texas politician the other day who does a fair amount of traveling. He said our impending bankruptcy — which he thinks can be avoided — has more and more become the national storyline about Dallas. I hope Dak Prescott understands this. We need a Super Bowl next year.

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