SOCIAL CLIMBING AND HOT TUBBING

1. While driving on Central Expressway: As you swivel around in your car tolook for oncoming traffic, grab the shoulder seat belt harness, which you probablydidn’t even know was there. With yourfree hand, pull the harness strap acrossyour chest, let go, then do it again. One,two. One, two. Builds the pectorals. Also,when slamming on the brakes (which driving surveys indicate that you will do onceevery 12 seconds), throw yourself towardthe steering wheel. Good for lower back.Once you’re in the main flow of traffic,get out of your car and do 10 deep kneebends. If it’s rush hour, no one will noticethe delay.

2. When social climbing: Buy a dinnerjacket or evening gown. Go to the nextcharity ball (of which there are about sixevery weekend). Get ready to climb. Stand by the front door and steadfastly behave as if you have already made it in life. When the woman checking invitations looks the other way, spring past her. Remember to pump your arms. Once inside, never stop moving. Go quickly from person to person. Keep your eyeballs alert for that next socialite you must speak to. Smile, smile. When you kiss someone on the cheek, bend forward from the waist. Shake hands with everyone you see. When someone at your table needs a drink, leap to your feet and offer your services. Try to carry as many glasses to the bar as possible. Lift them up and down like barbells as you walk. The band playing will most likely be conducted by Mal Fitch, which means you won’t be doing many fast-paced dances. Thus, stand on tiptoe to build up your calves. That way, you will also be able to see which husband is dancing with which wife, giving you something to gossip about when you go back to your table.

3. While strolling past Dallas’ lead-smelting plants: Hold your Geiger counterout with your left arm. Then switch toyour right arm. Try to keep it level. Quick!When that dial swings over to the right,take a deep breath and hold for 30 seconds. Get out of the neighborhood asquickly as possible. Entire exercise shouldtake 30 seconds. Great for cardiovascularsystem.

4. When buying exercise clothes: Wealways buy exercise outfits a couple ofsizes too small, figuring that after a fewmonths of exercise we will have lost a lotof weight. This is one of the most hilariousconcepts in 20th-century life. In fact, themost exercise you will ever get is when youfirst try on these clothes. Wiggle your hipsrhythmically as you pull on your sweatpants. Jump around the room to help getthem up over your hips. No fair to lean against the wall for support. And, most important, when you throw the blasted clothes onto the top shelf (never to be worn again), always remember to follow through.

5. While worrying about the burgeoning size of your stomach: One of the cruelest moments of your life will come when you realize that the only way to tighten your stomach is to do sit-ups. So get into your favorite position (lying on the couch in front of the television) and force yourself to watch early Friday evening programming, perhaps the greatest symbol we have of human stupidity. First, watch a few minutes of The Dukes of Haz-zard. Ponder for a moment the utter baseness of human life. Then, quickly lean up to change the channel. Voila! You have just completed a sit-up. In your search to find something decent to watch, switching from The Powers of Matthew Star to Hawaii Five-O reruns, you will have completed five or six sit-ups. Congratulate yourself. To get ready for Dallas, walk into the kitchen and eat a bowl of ice cream.

6. While in the hot tub: You really haveto force yourself to exercise in a hot tub, adevice designed to lull you to sleep andthen burn you to death. But since you willprobably be spending time in one this summer, turn off the water jets and createyour own bubbles by blowing throughyour mouth while kicking your legs.

7. While sitting beside a swimmingpool: One of the most embarrassing locations for those who don’t exercise, theswimming pool is actually a blessing indisguise because it forces you to hide yourexcess weight from the other swimmers.How? Lie on your side and stretch your arms above your head while extending your toes as far as they can go. This distributes your fat evenly, hides your love handles and gives the appearance that you are trying to get an even tan. By the end of the day, you’ll be exhausted.

8 At the symphony: Always try to bethe last one to find your seat at the symphony concert. This way, as the lights godown, you can say, “Pardon me, pardonme,” as you high-hurdle your way over thelegs of the other obstinate patrons.Stretches the calves.

9 In the shower. If you need more workon toning up your legs (which essentiallyinvolves leaping up and down from astanding position), allow your children toplay with the hot and cold knobs duringyour morning shower. For extra benefits,have one of the children turn on the dishwasher just as you begin your shower.

10. At an exhibition of modern art:Stand as close as possible to a painting asyou try to determine just exactly what youare looking at. Step back a few paces and look again. Squint your eyes to see if that will help. Now cross your eyes. Get down on one knee. Get down on both knees. Stand on your head. By this time, you should be in utter confusion, but you have gone through a terrific aerobic exercise.

11. At a Texas Rangers baseball game: During the fourth inning, lean over in your seat and reach for your beer on the ground in front of you. Say something like, “Attaboy, come to me, beer; attaboy, come to me.” Kick at the concrete with your shoes. Watch the pitcher throw a strike. Congratulations. You just went through as much exercise during one pitch as the major league shortstop.

12. While frying chicken: Don’t use the lid of the pan. Make yourself stand by the stove and dodge the drops of hot grease as they shoot out of the pan. Once the chicken is cooked, run to the kitchen door, open it and fan the smoke outside by waving a towel in the air. This is the kind of exercise that experts say is nearly identical to aerobic dancing. You also get to eat a lot.

13. While drying your hands: Alwaystry to do this in a public restroom with theautomatic hand drier. It takes forever.You must stand there -your hands wringing wet -and rub them together briskly.Your hands still will not be dry. Rubharder. Great for building up the forearms. If you can’t get to a public restroom,use a hair dryer instead.

14. At a Wayne Newton concert: Besides being a champion of the pompadourand shiny shoes, Wayne Newton is the undisputed expert of audience applause. Heknows how to manipulate you until youare clapping wildly. First, he has you applauding for a song you haven’t evenheard yet, by dedicating it to his mother ordeceased grandfather or someone. Thenhe introduces everyone in the band, whomyou have to applaud for, and even introduces the lightman and ushers. He alsotries to get you to clap in time to his songsand then gets you to applaud yourself bysaying, “You’re a beautiful audience,aren’t you?” By the end of the concert,you’re so tired you can barely get out ofyour seat.

15. When cutting the grass: Walk allthe way across the lawn to pay the yardman.