David Dewhurst Talks to Greg Abbott About Their Recent Political Trials

“So, wait, I don’t understand. You’re trying to hurt your chances to be governor on purpose?”

“No, no, no. Well — yes, kind of. Is this just between us?”

“Of course! Come on, Greg, you know me. It’s going straight into the vault. Check it out.”

” … “

“Heh heh heh. OK. So, anyway, a coupla months ago, I meet this guy. Some oil big shot. He says to me, he says, ‘Greg –‘ I’m sorry, I can’t really do voices.”

“Oh, that’s fine. Not everyone can.”

“Wait, well, OK, I do once voice. OK, you ready? Check it out: ‘Alright, alright, alright.’ “

“I’m not really … who is that?”

“Matthew McConaughey? Dazed and Confused?”

“THAT was your McConaughey? Seriously? No, this is McConaughey.”

“Man, it’s the same bulls–t they tried to pull in my day. If it ain’t that piece of paper, there’s some other choice they’re gonna try and make for you. You gotta do what Randall Pink Floyd wants to do man. Let me tell you this, the older you do get the more rules they’re gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin’ man, L-I-V-I-N.”

“WOW. That was actually, wow. That was amazing.”

“Thanks.”

“ANYWAY, what I was saying, this rich oil guy, can’t remember his name right now, but he tells me that he will give me 10 times what I’ve already raised in campaign funds if I manage to blow through all I have now by the Texas-OU game. I know, I know — it’s basically the plot of Brewster’s Millions. So! I figured I better do something really dumb so no one gets suspicious. And then it hit me: sue to stop the American Airlines merger!”

“Oh, my god. Oh, man. I got Brewstered, too!”

“WHAAAAAT?! Are you kidding me? You, too?!”

“Why do you think I tried to get my step-niece-in-law or whatever out of jail?”