THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS -- "Rodeo Barbie" Episode 305 -- Pictured: (l-r) LeeAnne Locken, D'Andra Simmons, Brandi Redmond -- (Photo by: Peter Larsen/Bravo)

Television

The Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: Remember the Bowls

Quiz: What’s Your Legacy Family Name?

Last week, I was touched to see the women band together to support LeeAnne, put Adderall-shaming to rest, and re-glue rogue eyelash strips to their rightful place. This week, we’re right back to petty bitch mode. Except for Cary, who’s so deep into bougie bitch mode that she can’t even be bothered to show up for the majority of the Fort Worth-centric episode. Whatever, Cary.

One grown woman possessively grabs another woman and says, “My bitch!” Another might bring a large beer funnel with her wherever she goes. Cary’s just out there looking for Michelin-starred restaurants and buying a $75,000 range. (But, damn, those are nice stoves.)

Let’s talk about it.

After two episodes in Beaver Creek, the women are scattered. Cary and fam are in Jackson Hole. Stephanie and fam are in Florence. Brandi is in her kitchen baking cookies with her daughters and they’re all wearing matching, massive bows. It’s utter chaos. She says that she doesn’t want to get a nanny because she’ll feel like she’s failed in some way. I think I speak for all the non-nanny-shamers out there when I say, if you can get a nanny, go get yourself a nanny.

At Mille Lire, it’s LeeAnne and Rich’s 10-year anniversary. LeeAnne broaches the subject of marriage and it is a master class in miscommunication. LeeAnne is afraid to force Rich to set a date because she’s worried it will scare him off, but Rich is just waiting for LeeAnne to get the wedding planning ball rolling. He tells her to look him in the eye (!!!) and asks her to marry him again. Aw. LeeAnne says there’s a lot of “shmut” before you get to a wedding, and she’s “not so good with the shmut part.” I looked up the word “shmut” online and I’m certain LeeAnne is using it wrong.

At the Westcott’s, Kam is preparing for the Global Pet Expo (a real event whose motto is “Too Big to Miss”), and this scene was tough stuff. Her daughter (Hilton?) says that Sparkle Dog Food is “dumb.” Kameron tells her that’s not very nice and asks her why it’s dumb. “Because it’s pink dog food,” says Hilton. That’s one sick burn from Hilton.

In her ITM, Kameron explains that the Wetscott women usually work in the community, but she wants a career, damn it. Is Kam the Florence Foster Jenkins of our time? Except instead of singing, it’s pink dog food? Pink dog food for thought!

It’s time for D’Andra’s 49th birthday at the Stockyards and the guest list is as thus: LeeAnne, Kameron, Brandi, and JOYCE, a soundless stand in for an absent Cary and Stephanie known only as “Brandi’s Friend.” Everyone dresses appropriately except for Kameron who dressed for wine tasting in Napa. It’s amazing. In fact, every single thing Kameron says and does on this trip to the rodeo is my favorite thing. The women ask her what she remembers from her one trip to the Stockyards and she says, “The bowls walking around.” (Maybe that’s some weird affect from Montecito?) When she sees the bulls for the first time on the streets of Fort Worth, she’s overcome. “They’re so cute and they’re so good they’re not even on leashes! They’re adorable! Are they coming back? They should do laps.” Maybe they should!

When the moment from all the RHOD trailers finally arrives, and it’s finally time for Kameron to mount that mechanical bull, she’s afraid she’ll get hurt. She’s Rodeo Barbie. She’s a giraffe! (Her words, not mine.) After the slowest mechanical bull ride in history, she says, “Being on a wild, moving animal is, like, making me feel like one with rodeo.” LeeAnne says, “If you can’t break a man’s rib cage with your inner thighs then don’t have sex, or ride a bull.” I guess!

Later, at a Fort Worth bar, Brandi casually whips out a beer bong and all the women, apart for chambong-only Kam and seen-not-heard Joyce, funnel a beer and it’s pretty dark. LeeAnne, according to my closed captions, “retches.” What’s even darker is the conversation discussing the weight of a Legacy Family Name™. Now, I’m not at all entrenched in Dallas high society so the absolute horror about D’Andra putting a K-Cup up her butt still seems pretty ridiculous to me, but what is understandable here is that, while Kameron chose to be a part of a Legacy Family™ and feels she fits right in, D’Andra was born into one, and she is tired of it, y’all. She’s the Rose DeWitt Bukater of our time. Outwardly, she’s everything a well brought up girl should be. Inside, she’s screaming about soft pouches.

But the darkest moments of all are the power plays made by Brandi and LeeAnne to prove who D’Andra’s real BFF is. (A reminder: all this is taking place at a woman’s 49th birthday party.) Brandi, the Jack to D’Andra’s Rose, gives her a $2,000 necklace and a rousing speech about being true to who you are. D’Andra is touched. LeeAnne responds by giving D’Andra the world’s most aggressive lap dance and performing the choreography from the bar scene from Coyote Ugly. (No one can fight the moonlight!) She hugs D’Andra and yells, “MY BITCH.” Brandi wins? End scene.

It should be noted that right before the lap dance, D’Andra tearfully explains to Brandi that she’s surprised she likes her as much as she does, and promptly tells her all about LeeAnne’s warnings. I’m calling it now: THIS CONVERSATION will be the dramatic arch that carries us through the rest of the season. Can’t wait?

I’m starting to get why Brandi is the Center Star.

Until next week!

***SIDE NOTE

I watched Stephanie and Cary on Watch What Happens Live! because I care about my recapping responsibilities, and it turns out the un-filmed screaming match between D’Andra and LeeAnne in Beaver Creek wasn’t about who was “queen,” but about WHO IS THE STAR OF THIS SHOW. That’s incredible.

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