The end of the world is the new ugly Christmas sweater, at least for one more night (or three or four if you are siding with fringe Mayan researchers). The slew of Mayan Apocalypse events was inevitable, when the irony of looking stupid gives way to the true irony of celebrating humanity going out with a band and/or whimper. No one, of course, believes it. Or if you do believe it, you’re probably too far underground already to get internet reception.
For the rest of Dallasites, The Granada is offering an Armageddon lineup of moody metal and bearded prophets of doom. And while you probably believe we will all wake up to Saturday coffee and eggs, I am sure one of these acts is capable of dredging out your inner Chicken Little if just for an evening. Here is a preview of tonight’s lineup by way of a few analogues from cinema’s own take on the end of all things.
This Will Destroy You – The Kirsten Dunst Apocalypse
It’s as if the San Marcos trio named their band specifically for this show. The irony is that This Will Destroy You almost never destroys you, at least not right away, which is why they earn the Melancholia award, also known as the Tom Petty, “Waiting (Is the Hardest Part)” award. The band’s notoriety is built around painstaking rock instrumentals that build from tiptoeing melodies to agitated noise. The ensuing experience is not unlike gauging, for days on end, the approach of a planet as it threatens to vaporize yours. Doom by millimeters, appropriate for the deadpan doomsayer who might ruin Christmas dinner with a simple “this tastes like ashes” observation.
True Widow – The Viggo Mortensen Apocalypse
I truly wanted one of these three bands to be the Mel Gibson Apocalypse, but none of the groups wear anything like football pads, feathers or sexy chainmail, so my Thunderdome observations will have to wait. (Not to mention the fact that “Mel Gibson” now evokes a catastrophe far exceeding Bartertown). True Widow’s take on the apocalypse is much more akin to the freezing march of The Road. Their steady, minor-chorded riffs move at a trudging, malnourished gait and something about the echoic vocals say “second-degree frostbite.” I am pretty sure True Widow belong among “the good guys,” but if at any point during this season of family togetherness you find yourself thinking, “if things get rough, I might resort to cannibalism,” then True Widow is your be-all and end-all. Well, end-all at least.
The Angelus – The Marlon Brando Apocalypse
Anybody caught off-guard by the sudden end of our blue marble going around and around is without excuse. The Angelus released the portentous On A Dark and Barren Land a full year ago, so you had ample time to absorb the forewarning. This act is for those aspiring sackcloth-and-ashes, bearded, ascetic prophets in the crowd. Of the three artists performing tonight, The Angelus is the only one I can imagine reciting T.S. Eliot to an enthralled Dennis Hopper. Eloquent, grave and confined to the shadows, they have clearly earned their Apocalypse Now role, even if they forgot all their lines. Fortunately, theirs is only an existential apocalypse of soul, so you’ll still wake up on Saturday and drink coffee. It will just taste a lot more absurd than it used to.
