Realizing the failure rate of those restaurants created by young hopefuls with experience obtained on the
cus-tomer’s side of the bar, we compiled a list of points and factors that seem to spell success in our town. Any
Dallas restaurant hoping to make it should include at least 42 percent of the following:
a foreign maitre d’
Herculean broccoli
tricky (cloth) napkin folds
designer coffee
pre-recorded “baby boomer” music
uncomfortable chairs
desserts that use the color red
a house drink with layers
more than 50 obscure, imported beers
a blackboard for specials
thirty entrées that can be made from a combination of seven ingredients
pasta seven ways
recipes named for people’s mothers
mesquite-broiled anything
a cheese plate with grapes
unusual butter dishes
poor parking requiring valet service patio umbrellas
a sizzling plate of anything
“ethnic-chic” foods like ribs, catfish and corn bread
recipes stolen from the owner’s favorite vacation town
three kinds of fish nobody’s ever heard of
New York cheesecake made by the owner’s cousin
dress code for men only
waiters who sing “Happy Birthday” without conviction
waitresses who sign check “Thanx”
a teen-age cook called “the chef”
enormous fresh-flower arrangements pink lights
neon in any configuration
pictures on the wall of those you hope will come back
And the budding restaurant entrepreneur must remember to:
have a waiter with a strong accent offer the menu verbally
hire a bored hostess who is a would-be actress
have no service but offer giant portions of cheap stuff (onion rings)
have park benches in front for those waiting outside
make waiting space so small that people have to wait outside
offer unusually weird bread
never say “How is it?”.. .say: “Is it delicious?”
obey the rule: “the smaller the portion, the bigger the plate”
hire busboys who are terrified of being deported
use color combinations like taupe and cranberry, Naples yellow and wintergreen
buy chairs that won’t hold up
sell T-shirts with your name on them do tricky tin foil folds on packages of leftovers
when in doubt, do a fountain have hamburgers, chili and lobster on the same menu
offer really sour salad dressings
imply that chicken-fried steak is important
treat the customer like an idiot: put his napkin in his lap
have a friend with a Rolls Royce park in front
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