Summer is really, officially here. As a longtime Texan and amateur life coach, I’m here to help.
DO properly hydrate. I suggest a minimum of eight 3-liter bottles of water a day. If you’re Mike Mooney, make it nine. And get a haircut.
DON’T gripe too much. We’re all in this together. One “GD it is hot out there” when you arrive at work should do you, along with unlimited, soulful mmm-hmmms should anyone else broach the subject. And no, you don’t get another one if you happen to go out during the day. That, sir or madam, is on you. It’s called a sack lunch. Get familiar.
DON’T strain yourself making too many similes. “It’s like hugging the sun” is fine enough. I know that’s not very good. See? Not trying.
DO invest in a box fan. No jokes. Those things are super underrated. I carry one with me at all times.
DON’T check the weather anywhere else, unless you can afford a plane ticket to go there immediately. In which case, give me $5,000. Enterprise wants the hail damage fixed after all.
DON’T Instagram or Facebook pics of thermometers. I mean, we get it. It’s terrible. Do you think if you get 100 “likes” it’s going away? Of course not. I tried that once with a picture of Tim. He’s still standing right behind me, talking loudly on his phone to someone I probably don’t care about in his old radio voice. It doesn’t work.
DO keep a copy of your will in your pocket. I’m not saying it’s going to get that hot, but you never know, right? Me? I like to be prepared. I have a copy on me at all times. It’s … pretty short. Everything goes to charity, and Wick has to finish the novel I’ve been writing. It’s basically a re-telling of To Kill a Mockingbird set in a dystopian future where mockingbirds have actually taken over and Scout and Jem and everyone are semi-literate, but non-verbal cats. Don’t worry. I have it all outlined pretty well.
