It took him four chalkboards and the back of an IHOP placemat, but he’s (finally) got a workable theory. A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of an enemy of mine managed to get a look, and — while I, yes, had to fill in a few blanks myself, thanks to the shaky iPhone photo I received — here is what I can share. UPDATE: Now with an octopus.
In 2004, Google founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page were advised by their chief counsel, Barry Obama, that President John F. Kennedy Jr. was considering legislation that would severely restrict their forthcoming IPO. He suggested that Brin and Page have him “eliminated,” and that he knew some people who could take care of it in Chicago. Brin and Page agreed, but added that it might be a good time to test out the time travel device Google engineers had been working on, codenamed Google- (as in minus), funded, in part, by Apple, Toyota, Michael Moore, the Conference of Presidents of Major American Jewish Organizations, David Geffen, and the Screen Actors Guild.
The plan was to send a team of shooters back to Dallas in 1963 to take out President Kennedy’s still-popular ex-president father. Brin reasoned that it would give them sort of an internal proof of concept for Google-, plus it would cut the head off the snake years before anyone could even think to pin it on them. Also, Brin couldn’t stand the elder Kennedy, who had remained an American icon, despite four marriages, two stints in rehab, and an ill-advised album of big-band standards.
The team — Senator Joseph Biden, comedians Jon Stewart and Larry the Cable Guy, commentator Keith Olbermann, and rapper Common, with Obama acting as a sort of project manager — arrived in the city a month in advance, in order to locate a suitable patsy. Biden came across Lee Oswald in a downtown luncheonette a few days after arrival. Oswald agreed to participate — not knowing the entire crime would be eventually pinned on him — in exchange for $5 million (a sum provided by Pepsi, Wendy’s, and ING).
On the day of the assassination, it all started to go sideways, as these things do, even when well funded and perfectly planned. Stewart, the main trigger man, got cold feet. Mr. The Cable Guy had a case of the booze flu. They needed a triangulation of crossfire to ensure success. So Obama was forced to take Stewart’s place on the grassy knoll, with Common, while Biden was in a tree in Dealey Plaza, and Oswald was on the sixth floor of the schoolbook depository.
Obama, as fate would have it, ended up with the killshot. In exchange, he got a lifetime supply of iTunes credits, $10 million in stock from REI, Sony, NBC, and Facebook, and the presidency in 2008.
UPDATE: I have now been sent the bulk of this in an odd chart/cartoon. A chartoon.
