HARVEY’S HUMOR IS ALL WET

Hamburger czar Harvey Goff sums up his business philosophy in four words: “Customers are never right.” You have to wonder how he makes so much money when he is so downright strange. Weird. Crazy. Nuts. And, as they say, laughing all the way to the bank. But the money-paying public keeps coming back.

Goff has been a colorful character over the years, probably best known for his hatred of long-haired men.

“Yeah, it don’t matter to me what age they are, if their hair is longer than that woman’s over there, 1 ask them to leave. I ask them politely two or three times, and if they don’t go then, I’ve even called the police. Shoot, 1 even had a man come in here not too long ago who looked just like Santa Claus. And he had his wife and children, too. I just told him to turn around and go elsewhere.”

Almost everyone at the Lovers Lane Goff’s seems to take Goff in stride. They tolerate him. Heck, some of ’em probably even like him. But recently one woman customer didn’t appreciate Goff’s humor. Here’s how the story goes: The woman orders a sandwich and soft drink in a bag to go. Goff’s three black workers dutifully fill the order. As Goff is about to place the cup of cola into the sack, something clicks in his brain -he takes the soft drink and pours it into the bag, then turns to attend to other business. This gives the tall, willowy woman her chance. Before Goff has time to wipe the smile from his face, the rush of cold cola tumbles down his chest and stomach, cascading underneath his open-collar shirt. “I didn’t feel it till it hit my belly button, though,” he says. Her chilly reaction received a standing ovation from the crowd.

Goff took the shower in stride. He says: “I told her that I thought she really had done good, that I deserved it I told her that the people really loved her for it. The whole place clapped.”

The woman’s identity has never been determined, but should she decide to come forth, Goff says he has lunch for her on the house. Does he mean that literally?