Episode six had promising teasers. I was expecting to be gripped with rage and desperation, jumping on my couch Tom Cruise-style. Instead, it was the longest two hours of my life, and I had to drink wine to endure it. Feel sorry for me. Here we go.
We open up in the lovely Buenos Aires, where we see JoJo doing cute American tourist girl things like walk in the streets, sit on her hotel bed, and look out the window, waiting for her men. I’m sure Pope Francis watched this episode from home, thrilled to see his birth city represented on the show.
JoJo and Chris Harrison sit outside together. She reflects on the past two weeks, and he only half-listens, imagining what their wedding day would be like. He’s quick to remind her she’s halfway through this journey. He’s slow to remind her he’s still waiting for her to fall in love with him.
Chris tells the men that there will be another two-on-one date, for the first time in the history of the show. The men react as if they’re being drafted to war and I start to wonder if Luke, a war veteran, ever gets PTSD flashbacks from being on this show. Because I do.
Date with Wells: “Bésame, Bésame, Muchacho”
The date card is not just JoJo having fun with Spanish. This date card is JoJo being thirsty for Wells because Wells is the only man who respects her enough to have gone this long without kissing her. Well, Wells, JoJo doesn’t want to be respected, as demonstrated by going on a television show for love. She wants to be kissed, Wells. And kissing the other twenty-something guys isn’t enough for her and how dare you.
JoJo arrives at the hotel in a slouchy white sweater and goes down the boy band assembly line for hugs. I hate greeting hugs and this is why I could never be The Bachelorette. After brief small talk with the fellas, Luke asks, “Are you guys gonna kiss today?” Then, JoJo does something that shocks me. She says, “That’s funny, isn’t it,” without the slightest hint of a smile. I have so much respect for her in this moment. Let’s all work that quote into conversations this week.
Wells is so nervous on this date, his hands are shaking. It’s sweet. Concerning, but sweet. Meanwhile, JoJo talks about wanting to kiss Wells in her ITM and it’s like we get it. You want to kiss every man here. And by here, I may very well mean Argentina.
They arrive at Fuerza Bruta. It’s a performance art studio and women are swimming on a glass ceiling, men are running on a belt and getting fake-shot and I’ve never been more fascinated by what’s happening. Is there a Fuerza Bruta in Dallas? Make it happen, Mark Cuban.
Back at the hotel, I can hardly tell the guys apart. Their matching hair, scruff, fitted tees, and sensitive emotions are the perfect ingredients for identical members of a pop-singing boy band. If I were two wines deep at The Quarter Bar, I would be calling them all Bieber and demanding they sing, “Love Yourself,” for me, with choreography.
Back at the date, JoJo and Wells are now in skimpy spandex clothes, sliding in the water-filled glass ceiling. I don’t understand the logistics here, but the lights are dim, they’re wet and rubbing against each other, and no girl has ever been thirstier for a kiss than this moment. I’m almost glad this date is with just Wells—this is all way too overpowering for someone she has actual chemistry with. We can’t have a pregnant JoJo in the season finale.
Wells kisses her. JoJo kisses back. I decide I need wine to get through this episode.
Wells talks about his ex during date night. He had a four-year relationship that turned into a passionless friendship. Very sad, blah blah. Why is it these guys only talk about their exes? Have you ever seen a Bachelorette ask what his political views are on a date? Or ask about faith? Or whether he’s a morning person or night owl? A boobs or ass man? These are the real burning questions, people.
After listening to Wells, she finally admits what we all already knew, and sends him home.
Whatever your feelings on Wells, you have to admit: JoJo was all class breaking up with him. She didn’t break down crying, trying to make it about her, and how hard this is for her. She was genuine, and articulated her gratitude and appreciation, but was firm about only having friendly feelings for him. It was the kind of break up that makes you want to break up. Or re-break up with exes. Just to do it in a classy way. Help.
JoJo cries and yet still goes on the date she was supposed to go to with Wells. It’s comical. She stands alone at the performance art show, surrounded by drunk people speaking another language. This moment is only comparable to being alone in Uptown at midnight on New Years Eve.
Group date: “Living La Vida Loca”
Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, and Alex meet JoJo in the streets of Buenos Aires. They walk past drinks, flamenco dancers, face-in-hole boards, and soccer players, stopping at everything along the way. So it’s basically the perfect date, except not, because group date.
James Taylor “won” a kiss from JoJo after scoring in the soccer game, and honestly I just wish he had made a show of it and sailor-kiss dipped her in front of the other guys. But he only pecked her, so why bother. I’m not high maintenance.
Jordan and James spend so much time talking to the camera, I don’t know when they find time to eat, sleep, or date the same woman. Jordan is so painfully positive. He is ever-smiling, talking constantly and yet saying nothing at all. It makes me understand all the women featured on Snapped. Then James plays the world’s smallest violin every chance he gets, constantly putting himself down in order to win everyone over. Both of them are draining my soul.
Alone time with Luke. He says, “Everything about you makes me want to know more about you.” Luke just became the guy you met while on vacation with your family, before social media was a thing. He seems perfect, you only have a few days with him, and the time-constraint makes it all that much more mysterious and exciting. He tells you he wants to know more about you so that you’ll let him kiss you. Then you both go home with cornrows and forget the other exists.
JoJo says she and Luke have “the physical connection.” She describes it as “cah-ray-zee” which is millennial-speak for unfathomably intense.
Alone time with James. He warns JoJo about “the other side of Jordan Rogers.” I can’t decide if there really is “another side” or if James is just insecure about Jordan and wants to avenge all the popular jocks who have ever made fun of him for being a sensitive musician. He proceeds to tell her about an argument he and Jordan had over poker rules. JoJo thanks him with a kiss. I sip wine.
Immediately following, JoJo speaks highly of James in her ITM, which means we can expect her to cut him soon.
Alone time with Jordan. JoJo is all but laying on him as she confronts him. Her body language is truly more interesting than this conversation, which is still about the poker disagreement. Apparently James and Jordan are a 70-year-old bickering couple. JoJo asks Jordan if he’s acted “entitled,” to which he responds he doesn’t know what that means. Come on, Jordan, don’t be the dumb jock stereotype! Besides, a former NFL quarterback? Entitled? Gasp! I have never! He says no. She believes him. I sip wine.
Wine thoughts: Jordan’s hair is a reincarnated mythological creature. I don’t know how it works, I can’t stop looking at it, I think I read a book about it once, I think it has magic powers, I fear it, I want to pet it, and yet keep it forever untouched in a shadow box.
After surviving the JoJo confrontation, Jordan sits back with the boys and they sit in heavy silence before James and Jordan finally speak openly of their disdain for each other. I can’t believe how long they’ve argued about attitudes over poker rules. Do they realize whoever loses the poker game could still win JoJo?
But really, please watch this:
Two-on-one date with Chase and Derek: “It Takes Two”
JoJo gets poetic on this date, which is learning a choreographed flamenco dance that evokes a passionate love triangle. They walk in on the three professional dancers in body-contact movements, close enough to smell each other’s breath, and then learn the moves. This had a shot at being beautiful, except unlike the professionals, they’re in a real love triangle, and can’t dance. So it was just three white people trying not to step on each other’s toes, which is basically every scene of this show ever.
Date night. Alone time with Derek, and he finally opens up to her, starting with, “From the moment I looked in your damn eyes,” so it obviously turns into him saying he’s falling for her, not to be confused with he sees himself falling for her. Note the key, drastic difference here. They kiss.
Wine thoughts: Is it just me or has Derek become progressively cockier? His confidence crossed a line I’m not comfortable with. It’s like I don’t even know him. It’s like I haven’t seen all nine seasons of The Office or something.
Alone time with Chase. JoJo tells Chase she fears she likes him more than he likes her. The scandal! How could this happen? What did JoJo do to deserve this? She is so brave to face this, head on! No amount of Taylor Swift music could prepare a woman to be in such a rare, heinous situation as this.
Having 783 men competing for you is hard. If it feels like one band member doesn’t equal your feelings for him, it spoils the whole album. Chase finally ~*~oPeNs uP~*~ to her. They kiss.
Wine thoughts: Chase is dull. I’m bored every time he has an opinion.
Wine thoughts: I’m committed to my hairdresser to the point where I tell people we’re dating, but who does JoJo’s hair in Dallas? Who does those babylights? I’m not high maintenance.
Now for the moment of truth: Chase gets the rose, and I’m immediately personally offended. Has JoJo never watched The Office? Did she never fall in love with Jim Halpert? What’s wrong with her? Can I forgive her?
Then JoJo has a classic “this is hard” meltdown.
JoJo crying when she sends hot guys home is how I cry when I get to Mi Cocina right when the happy hour ends. She cries like I do when I have to commute to Plano in the rain. She cries like I do after I’ve accidentally consumed 84 mimosa carafes at Villa O.
Before getting in the car, Derek whispers, “I hope you find your forever,” so please stab me because it gave me the feels. Then something happens that’s very reminiscent to Olivia being deserted on an island. Derek sheds real man tears and gasps, “Why am I crying?” while JoJo and Chase dance to the song “Don’t Cry Argentina.”
I haven’t seen anything this heart-wrenching since Pam turned him down in the parking lot.
An accurate portrayal of tonight’s events:
The rose ceremony takes place in the most beautiful room in the history of rose ceremonies, and JoJo fits the ambiance in a midnight blue mermaid gown. The cocktail party was short and can be wrapped as the following: Jordan tells JoJo he wants to “do life” with her and I can’t. JoJo assures Alex that he’s not “behind” the other guys and I can’t. James keeps using self-pity as a way to win JoJo and America over and I can’t.
Rose ceremony: JoJo passes out roses to Robby and Jordan before breaking down and having to leave the room. She finds Chris Harrison, to his delight. She tells him she doesn’t want to give the rose out, to his delight. She gives the rose to him, to his delight. Ahh, if only this rose meant what it means to the other guys.
Just when you think both James and Alex are going home, Chris Harrison swallows his pride and brings out another rose. Which means all guys got a rose. You get a rose, you get a rose, roses for everyone! Except none for Chris Harrison.
I’m not sure why she’s keeping Alex. I don’t know what she sees in him or why she’s pretending to like him. Despite making it another week, Alex is ungrateful and calls it a “pity rose” in his ITM.
You know what Alex, I don’t think your hair is worthy of this boy band after all.
Next week, ABC expects us all to watch this show on the Fourth of July, and tonight I will wake up from a nightmare in a sweat to Derek crying to the song, “Don’t cry for me, Argentina.”