She had blue hair. She loved to wear Mickey Mouse t-shirts, tulle skirts, and Pippi Longstocking striped knee socks. She obsessed over the Beatles and was the only other person I knew who was a Kingston Trio fan. I was a nerd, undersized and antagonistic, and she was something else—a punk, an emo, a hippie, a poet. A renegade.
We were friends.
We had lunch every day in our preppy suburban high school cafeteria, even though she was a year older than I was. I knew she had an eating disorder, not only because our guidance counselor once used her as an example in class, but also because every day she would go through the lunch line and buy a single chocolate chip cookie, wrapped in Saran Wrap. It is my scallop-shell madeleine. A thin, crispy pancake that could be portioned into small, buttery bites that she made last the full 20 minutes of our lunch period. No other cookie has ever tasted the same.
Even then I knew I couldn’t save her, but I hoped, as we drove around town listening to At Large on her cassette player, that she would get out. She was smart. She was talented. She could go to any college she wanted. But when you are deep in the hole, anything outside of it is incomprehensible, impossibly out of reach.
After she graduated, she spent a year in and out of treatment centers, and I went away to college. I heard that she had gotten an apartment and started taking classes at a local university. Then one sunny afternoon, I got a call from my mother. My friend had killed herself.
This past weekend, another friend lost her cousin to suicide. Its horrible wake is the same, the “if onlys” and guilt, the hindsight, the sometimes blame. The incredible sadness. The inexplicable loss.
Some believe that mood disorders are drawn to the artistic mind. Anthony Delabano, former member of the Deep Ellum punk band Spector 45, would probably agree. After he lost two bandmates to suicide, he started Foundation 45, a nonprofit that offers free counseling and a suicide hotline (and text service for those who don’t want to talk) aimed at artists and musicians struggling with depression and addiction.
On Saturday, October 22, Foundation 45 will be hosting Art of the Guitar, a one-night-only live auction of guitars that have been transformed into works of art by 45 North Texas artists. Proceeds from the fundraiser, which will be held at Kettle Art, will help fund mental health and addiction services in Deep Ellum. The event is free and open to the public.
Buy a guitar. Play some Ramones. Hug a friend.
Dye your hair blue.
