When Robert Hoffman died in August, the city mourned the passing of a respected businessman, art collector, civic leader, and philanthropist. Robert was all those things and more. But the serious side of Robert Hoffman wasn’t what endeared him to his friends. It was his sense of the absurd and his readiness to laugh at life that made him special to them.
At his memorial service at the St. Mark’s Chapel, which he had dedicated 14 years ago, a number of Robert’s friends cited observations from “100 Rules to Live By,” a collection of laws he collected or invented over the years with National Lampoon co-founder Henry Beard. His wife Marguerite arranged a small, private printing of the “100 Rules” on marbled English paper and presented the copies to him nine years ago for his 50th birthday. (There are actually 104 rules, but as magazine editors know, a title doesn’t have to be accurate to be good.)
Here are a few of my favorites:
• Always split aces and eights.
• Keep moving and don’t bunch up.
• If a menu has more than 30 items on it, don’t order the lasagna.
• Never borrow money from people who save string.
• Don’t patronize Italian laundries, French hardware stores, Chinese bakeries, German fortunetellers, or English masseuses. (Greek banks, Irish accountants, Swiss dance halls, Canadian dentists, or Jewish mechanics.)
• Those who do not study history are condemned to study more difficult subjects, like calculus and economics.
• Life is short. Eat your dessert first.
• Don’t buy art in stores than sell rugs.
• Don’t take financial advice from men who wear jewelry.
• It doesn’t matter if you are rich or poor; it’s how much money you have.
• If you cannot speak a foreign language, then don’t.
• If you cannot grow a mustache, then don’t.
• Living off a trust fund is not a career.
• The most important course you will ever take is typing, and remember that neatness counts.
• Never eat Mexican food in a revolving restaurant.
• Never refuse money from your family.
• Take the first job that is offered.
• Never play cards with a guy named Doc.
• Lasting relationships are never begun on charter flights.
• Never drink a martini because it’s there.
• Those who stick to the old-fashioned way usually dress badly.
• People don’t alternate between being smart and dumb.
• There are certain things worth not knowing.
• Never sue deadbeats.
• The difference between minor and major surgery is that minor surgery is on someone else.
• Never explain jokes.
