Like the American bison before him, the Dallas man thrives in great herds, dominating his landscape and happily grazing among the tall grasses of the prairie. Unlike the bison, the Dallas man has learned not to congregate on railroad tracks. He has also adapted to the concrete highways, towering office buildings, and swanky watering holes that now cover the plains. Today, more than 2,300 subspecies of the Dallas man roam North Texas, but we have time and space to tell you about only five.
Young Jet-setter
Trustfundeus magnus
DESCRIPTION
Heir head and/or blue blood. He refers to himself as a member of “The Fickle 500,” a rarified group that frequents only the newest/hottest clubs in town. He determines what is “hot” and who is “not.” Owen and Luke are personal friends.
MARKINGS
Stanley Korshak power suits, Neiman Marcus sporty threads, Octane’s pricey jeans, Prada loafers. Spotted 24/7 with “Crackberry.”
DIET
Fuse, Tei Tei, Nobu. (The more they pay for sushi, the better it must be.)
HABITAT
Medici, Candle Room, Obar. Condo in Uptown or downtown.
JOB
Commercial real estate (in name only)
MATING CALL
“Don’t you know who my father is?”
Hipster
Snooteosa iPodimus
DESCRIPTION
His music taste is better than yours, unless you, like him, read back issues of Brit mags. Witty but not prone to laugh. He struggles to conceal his contempt for the “red states,” even though he lives in one. Likes comic books. Or rather, appreciates them.
MARKINGS
Shaggy hair, vintage pearl-snap shirts, Puma sneakers
DIET
AllGood Cafe, Bangkok City, Meridian Room
HABITAT
Art galleries, Lee Harvey’s, Inwood Lounge. Bungalow on the M Streets.
JOB
Ad agency, freelance designer by day, painter or musician by night
MATING CALL
“It’s like I said on my blog, Jon Stewart is the Walter Cronkite of the aughts.”
Tight Shirt
Narcissus airheadata
DESCRIPTION
Preternaturally tan in February. He likes action movies and drives a leased 3-series BMW. Weightlifting consumes at least 10 hours of his week, not including work on chin-up bar at home while waiting for food to reheat in microwave. Drinks protein shakes.
MARKINGS
Urban Outfitters tight logo tees, ripped Diesel jeans, “mandals,” possible piercings
DIET
Blue Goose on Sundays, Primo’s on Tuesdays, Cool River
HABITAT
Strip clubs, Addison Circle, Seven, 24-Hour Fitness, Darque Tan. Apartment in Las Colinas or Addison.
JOB
Sales, personal trainer
MATING CALL
“Nice rack.”
Geek
Jedi wannabeum
DESCRIPTION
He did not sleep in line to see Revenge of the Sith. That would be silly. Rather, he downloaded a pirated copy a month before it hit theaters. Prefers I.M. over face-to-face interaction. Gets to work at 7:30 a.m. so that he can leave at 4:30 for free-appetizer happy hours. Likely owns a reptile or ferret.
MARKINGS
Old Navy shorts, Dockers, glasses, brown braided belt, ill-advised goatee
DIET
Flying Fish or Nate’s when he’s in a mood to splurge, any Schlotzsky’s when he’s not
HABITAT
Flying Saucer, Sherlock’s in Addison. 3-2 in Plano or Richardson.
JOB
Software designer, I.T. consultant
MATING CALL
“You must be Jamaican because Jamaican me crazy.” (He saw it on a t-shirt once.)
Silver Fox
Viagra slacksblossum
DESCRIPTION
Over 50 and between marriages. Similar to the Young Jet-setter and at times competes for the same mate but distinguished by deeper pockets and different drug habit (less cocaine, more Lipitor). He has offspring and, as a result, will sometimes hold forth on latest release of band that is not age-appropriate.
MARKINGS
Pockets Menswear suits, Ralph Lauren Polo shirts, shark-tooth or turquoise necklace
DIET
Hibiscus, Bob’s Steak & Chop House, Mi Cocina (Highland Park Village)
HABITAT
Nick & Sam’s, Sense, the bar at Nana. Park Cities manse.
JOB
Managing his wealth manager
MATING CALL
“Would you mind if I introduce you as my niece?”
