Dear Mark Cuban, It is Time for the “Homer Broadcast”

In defending Bob Ortegal in the comments of this morning’s Leading Off, I brought up this idea:

I still think Cuban would be the ideal team owner to try my version of “freshening things up”: Have a regular broadcast, with Mark, Skin, and whomever – I don’t think [Brad] Davis or [Derek Harper] bring much, but they’d do, I guess. THEN, on HDNet or wherever, the Homer Broadcast. Completely biased coverage: calling out the refs, indulging long-held grudges and minor gripes, occasionally questioning shot selection, cursing, going wildly off-topic if the situation calls for it.

I’m not doing anything else, so let’s explore this a little more.

Obviously, this idea wouldn’t work as any team’s main broadcast. For one thing, it has to be on cable — at least one of the hosts will be drinking, nothing crazy, you know, a few beers or bourbons, and both, ideally, will be decently acquainted with grown-up language — and you can’t shut out your audience that way. The Mavs are perfectly set up for this, since Cuban has HDNet, and could probably set up (or sell rights to) another basic cable station if need be, depending on interest and so on.

Here is the key though: the hosts of the Homer Broadcast — I guess you could have a play-by-play guy and an analyst, but I don’t see why you’d need to break it down to traditional roles — would have to be able, and this is crucial, they would have to be able to call out the coach or the players or even Cuban. I mean, no, we’re not looking for a solely negative broadcast. Of course not. But if — and this is just an example — JJ Barea fires up a GD contested three-pointer with 20 seconds left on the shot clock in a tie game with two minutes left, well, yeah, I want my Homer Broadcast team to be guys who would (and would have to freedom to) go apoplectic on air.

The flipside is true: I want my team to absolutely revel in a Dirk Nowitzki rush of points. If he gets on a run where everything he throws up is going in — like turnaround, wrong foot, 20-foot fadeaways with two guys hanging off him and Kevin Garnett trying to put his foot under him while he surreptitiously knocks him in the junk — I want my guys to be losing their minds. (Would they use my — and I’m going ahead and claiming it as mine, even though it originates from Kobe Bryant — catchphrase, “I SEE YOU BIG GERMAN”? I hope so, but I don’t want to dictate to them.)

This would work. I swear to you. It would be like watching a game at a bar with your friends except you wake up without a hangover and you don’t smell like garbage. Assuming you don’t generally smell like garbage and are not a functional alcoholic, with bottles of vodka and mouthwash hidden everywhere. Not bottles of vodka with mouthwash, like a mixed drink. That would be weird. But wait — I don’t know. Kind of minty and refreshing. Like on a summer day? Would that be the WORST thing? Sort of like a really, really strong mint julep but with vodka instead of whatever. Anyway.

I guess what I’m saying with all this is: I AM AVAILABLE.

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