You know who deserves a raise? The good people who create the Bachelorette promos. You know why? Every single week, we’re promised the most dramatic episode ever. And we believe it because the previews look that good. Guess what we get instead? A knife in the eye. I am convinced that the producers know they have a loser season on their hands. There haven’t been any promises of an engagement–they haven’t even shown us the requisite footage of a dude on his knee. After last night’s episode, I was done. I swore I was never going to watch again. And then those evil geniuses showed a preview of what looked like the most embarrassing thing that could go down in the boudoir, and now I’m back in. More about that and the ugliness that ensued last night after the jump.
I stand by my assertion that the gang was booted from LA because no one is attired properly for the elements of Canada–not even Jillian. When the remaining 10 (plus Jillian) relocate from Vancouver to Whistler, the guys are all in t-shirts and Jillian has on a hoodie and fingerless gloves. They’re outside in the cold–we’re talking snow–and no one has on a winter coat. The Vancouver Chamber of Commerce must have demanded a set amount of shout-outs because Jillian says, “Vancouver was awesome because it’s my hometown, but I’m glad to be here in Whistler.” And then someone walks on set and gives her a dime in royalties.
She takes the boys to their quarters, and Jesse, both a gentleman and a scholar, remarks “It’s a lot less people now.” Not sure what he thought was going down at the elimination ceremonies, but right. There are fewer people than the day before.
The note for the one-on-one date arrives and it reads, “Michael, come fly with me.” Breakdancer Mike immediately goes into a “Grease Lighting” stance in celebration. He claims to never had any one-on-one time with Jillian. I seem to recall him trying to wear her like a lady suit at the curling challenge, but he may not count that. “I honestly think I kind of like her more than most of all out of the guys,” he says. When the fellas speculate about what the “fly with me” could mean, he says, “I’m stumped. I just don’t know what that means…It doesn’t matter…I could sit in a room and eat spaghetti and have fun.”
While the producers jot that down for next season (“America will go crazy over a Lady and the Tramp date!”), Michael and Jillian instead go zip-lining. The instructor gives them three rules: “Commitment. Hang on nice and low. Drag your knees up to your chest, and put your head back toward the creek.” It looks mildly dangerous, so Michael lets Jillian go first.
I’ve made no secret about not loving any of these dudes, but Breakdancing Mike bugs me. Sadly, the very things I find annoying about him are the traits that Jillian likes. (See also: Wes.) “I definitely feel like I’m a kid when I’m with Michael,” she says. “It’s like I’m 19 again, which is how I want to feel the rest of my life.” and “There’s something about Michael that just reminds me of a puppy. “Well, she’s close. The man is a dog. When the two do a tandem zip, Michael says, “We should try this later tonight in the bedroom.”
So post-zip, it’s time to bring the room down. Jillian is ready to see a more serious side of Michael. She wants to see if they “can sit down and converse like a normal couple.” That’s setting the bar fairly low, which is lucky. Michael shows up at dinner wearing what looks to be a canvas sports coat. They head into a restaurant and are greeted by a waiter who says, “My name is Andre. Au chante.” His task: teach them how to savor. He gives sage advice (in a kind of French accent) such as “You know, Burgundy makes you think silly thoughts; Bordeaux makes you say them; Champagne makes you do them.” From all this I gleaned that they were at a French restaurant. Au contraire because when they cut to Jillian eating, she’s using chopsticks. So confused!
As expected, Jillian is still reeling from the rumor that there may be men here who signed up for this televised game show for the “wrong reasons.” Instead of putting on her Jessica Fletcher hat and telling the producers that she would like the phone numbers of each contestant’s emergency contact to conduct an investigation, she comes up with her own tough questionnaire. Questions like: “Why are you here?” and “Are you here for the right reasons?” and “Where do you see yourself at 35? Go!” Mike assures her, “I am a cheesy a**. I’m a fall-in-love-if-a-girl-kisses-me-on-the-mouth kind of guy.” He also tells her that he broke up with a girl eight months ago and hasn’t been out on a date since then. “I don’t ever care what I look like…and I always make a fool out of myself,” he says. Any one of these things would have prompted me to throw the rose into the fire instead of offering it to him. But this is Jillian, so you know what happens.
Next up, it’s the group date, and Jillian is on the case. “I am going to be looking at each guy on his own, and I’ll be thinking ‘why is he here?’ Is he here for the right reasons?” She chooses Robby to ride with her and the rest of the dudes are forced to double up as they take off on snowmobiles. After a few minutes of slow going, she and Robby steal away. It’s a serious conversation, so he takes off his headgear. Unfortunately, it has left a big red blotch in the middle of his forehead, which momentarily distracts me. I think he’s saying something about how the last rose ceremony was “probably the maddest I’ve been in about a year.” And I don’t think he’s using “mad” in the mentally ill sense, so I’m at a loss. Anyway, she asks him her series of questions and he passes muster with Jillian and her heightened senses. “He looks me in the eye,” she reasons. “I can tell he’s really into me.”
Our boy, Tanner P. interrupts the love fest. This guy. I don’t really know what to say. I’d actually respect him a little if he was a proper snitch. But he’s not. “I wasn’t trying to throw anyone under the bus,” he tells her. “You just need to keep your eyes open.” I’m ready for Wes to beat Tanner to a pulp with the ever-present guitar.
And speaking of Wes, it’s his turn. Why does Jillian like this fool so much? She adores him. First of all, he starts the conversation with, “What’s up, baby?” Sick. Then he brings up the fact that he has a new CD coming out, but he assures her that he’s here for the right reasons. He lets her know that he’s ready for marriage and kids. When it’s all over, she comments, “He’s kind of a bada**.” He’s so not. For the love of God, he’s a minstrel.
Now it’s nighttime, and is it me or is Jillian suddenly drunk? Everyone is doing shots–she’s dancing on an outdoor bar and falls into Ed’s arms. She takes Kiptyn inside and demands, “Feel my butt…It’s wet.” (It’s worth mentioning that Kiptyn is less cute with each passing week. The lady hat he had on last night did not help.) He’s trying to talk to her, but she’s moving in for a kiss. “I like you,” she says is a weird baby voice. “Do you like me?” And then they start making out in a way that caused me to scream, “NOOOOOOOOO!” Between the tongue and the weird mouth angles, Kiptyn is a bad kisser.
Moving on to someone I actually sort of like: Ed. He’s been kind of mopey on the group date. After separating her tongue from Kiptyn’s, Jillian decides to find out why. He tells her that he had a conference call with his boss who basically told him either come back now or don’t bother coming back at all. Now I’m not sure what a “technical consultant” is, but it sounds like a proper job. He tells her that he could “potentially walk away from his career” but he’s just not sure. Jillian, suddenly much, much, much, much more interested in Ed, rewards him with the group-date rose. “I want you to stay and I want you to be here,” she says. She tells him to think about everything and give her an answer in a few days–and if he needs to go, no hard feelings. Then everyone doubles up again (what’s up with all the man-on-man activity on this date?) for sledding! The camera slowly pans on a lone sled in the distance–it’s by the fire–and it’s emblazoned with the word “rosebud.” Okay, I made up the last part.
So, now we know. Even though the previews made it seem like Jillian Harris, PI, finally gets to the bottom of things, calls someone out for shady behavior, and quite possibly kicks that person out of the competition, that’s not what’s going to happen. Ed has a real job, and his company doesn’t dig that he attempted to take short-term disability (or something) to appear on this terrible show. That’s it. That’s the drama. Yawn.
Okay, let’s go to the next one-on-one. Jesse receives his invite, which reads, “It’s time to break the ice.” What comes next is possibly the worst date in the history of the show. Keep in mind, Jake received new (ugly) Western wear and a personal concert by Martina McBride on his date. Jesse gets dropped off on a glacier that resembles the planet Hoth in Empire Strikes Back. He gets to freeze his bottom off; make snow angels and a huge “J+J” in the snow; and listen to Jillian’s screamy laugh. There is no food. No drinks. They’re just running around, tackling one another. Jesse, God bless him, tries to get a little Titanic, “It’s just me and Jillian–on top of the world!”
Finally, Jillian cries, “Mercy,” and the duo is whisked off to dinner. She asks her series of questions. Surprise! By 35, he’d like to have a house, a wife, and kids. Jillian says that she’d like to have kids in the next three years–and she wants three. He asks if the “winner” would have to move to Vancouver, and she surprises him and says that she’d be willing to move. “I want to just put my life in somebody else’s hands,” she says. If this scares Jesse, he doesn’t show it. In fact, I’m not even sure he heard her. “She’s independent,” he remarks. Putting your life in somebody else’s hands is actually the exact opposite of independent, but fine. Â But here’s where Jesse lost me forever: “Her voice is arousing.” Oh Jesse, I had almost gotten over your missing tooth!
The producers step in and tell them that too much time has elapsed since the hot tub has been on camera, so Jesse and Hot Tub Harris strip down. “Now I want to take it to the next level,” Jesse says. So Jillian gulps down her champagne and pins the rose to Jesse’s bare flesh. I wish.
After the commercial break, Ed’s up. He tells her that he has to leave, and suddenly Jillian is even more in love with Ed than she was on the drunken sled date. She fake cries and goes into passive-aggressive mode–and I know passive-aggressive, I assure you. Her rant includes, “I mean, I’m upset…It is what it is…I told you the other day when I gave you the rose, this is your life…” Later, she says, “I think Ed weighs his priorities different than I do.” Okay, really? He has a job. In this economy. Now, it may not bother Jillian that Mike’s not getting anxious calls from customers wondering when the next pop-and-lock class is, but I’m here to tell her that it should.
So, Ed leaves and she’s heartbroken. But Jillian has a job to do. She heads to the rose ceremony, which may I say was absolutely appalling for one reason only: bad clothes. Did you see the tweed safari jacket that Wes was rocking? What about the terrible pink striped shirt and pink tie that Dallas Jake was wearing? Can we talk about Michael’s pink sweater? When did it become okay for the guys to wear jeans? Jillian is in an (ugly) evening gown, for heaven’s sake. Haven’t the men traditionally worn suits?
In the end, poor pizza man Mike gets the boot. Incidentally, his shirt is untucked and his tie is too short.
Before I sign off, I have to mention that terrible preview that resembled a Cialis commercial. Surely, the producers are just toying with us, yes? It couldn’t be that, could it? I will watch–for you–but I want you to know that, every week, I hate myself a little more. Comment here.
