TV With Laura: The Bachelorette Recap

Well, hello there, boys. Whatcha doing? You know how you made me listen to Ranger talk at the Monk yesterday? I don’t like that show. So now I’ve invaded your man blog to talk about my show, The Bachelorette. Jump if you care to read my take on the first, painful, horrifying episode. Spoiler alert: Jillian apparently has even worse taste in men than I do.

This being ABC, the program begins with some fun nostalgia: Jason dumping Jillian after she gave it up in the hot tub (implied, never stated). But Jillian has been making lemons out of lemonade ever since–jumping rope, doing sit ups, watering plants, doing the Risky Business slide, washing a car clad in a bikini and yellow high heels, and taking off her red beret and throwing it like Mary Tyler Moore. It’s almost as if ABC doesn’t know that the audience here is primarily women–because only a boy would think that we would actually water plants.

Anyway, Mike Fleiss, Chris Harrison, and the rest of the gang are ready to “give her the fairy tale she so rightfully deserves.”

Full disclosure: I’m not a fan of Jillian’s. Her voice bothers me–and it’s not her Canadian accent. She always sounds like she’s about to sneeze. But even Jillian does not deserve men like this. Even ABC must have felt bad about the selection, because they ended up bringing in some backups as a twist. As Sarah put it, “These guys all suck. Thank God there are five more.”

So, there’s no way we can go through all 30 candidates–first of all, I do have a “real” job. Second of all, if any of you follow Spider Monkey on twitter, you know that I had about 1,000 Coors Lights last night and attempted to break dance. So, let’s just touch on the real d-bags–most of whom, it is important to note, she chooses to remain in the game.

Let’s start with David, the trucking contractor. When they meet, it’s like magic. He looks into her eyes, and says, “I uh….” and that’s it. She sort of saves the day, talks for the both them–and then, when he bids her adieu, he practically head butts her with his kiss! It. Was. Amazing. You know what’s not amazing? The fact that Jillian gave him the first-impression rose because he was able to form sentences later in the evening. (It should be noted that he is one of my picks. I have that little faith in Jillian.)

It’s worth noting that Jillian says that deciding whom to give the rose was tough. “I thought it would be more black and white,” she said. We sort of thought the same thing about the candidate pool. It was a bit shocking how little racial diversity was happening in that room.

Next up, Wes–just your average guy from Austin, Texas. He boasts a cowboy hat and a guitar. When we meet him, he’s sitting on what may have been the roof of his house, and it seems to me, he had extraordinarily long toes that sort of wrapped around the edge of the building. He claims that people call him “The Rooster.” I’m way over that. David Sedaris’ brother did it first; Matthew McConaughey’s brother seconded it (and named his daughter Miller Lyte, no less); I think we’re done. Anyway, he sings some terrible half-written song to her–claims it’s a work in progress. I guess, the idea being that the song will unfold as their love affair ignites or some such nonsense. Gross. She’s smitten.

We can’t ignore Brian, an IT consultant, who nicknames Jillian “Hot Tub Harris,” presumably due to her steamy tryst with terrible Jason last season. As my friend Allison put it, “That should have happened exactly once. I would have taken him in the corner, and said, ‘Shut the f*** up, or I will have the producers and bodyguards beat the sh** out of you.'” Alas, that didn’t happen. He called out “Hot Tub” about 100 more times, and then she rewarded him with a rose.

Oh, yes, then there’s Greg. He’s a fitness model who stands at maybe 5 feet tall? He considers himself a “perfect 10,” and refers to himself as “Bilbro.” I think that’s his last name, but he made it sound slightly dirty and menacing. Aside from that, I like people who use third person when referring to themselves. LK has a hurt tummy from the madcap combination of break dancing, Scoops, and Coors Lights. Speaking of break dancing (again), Bilbro engages in a dance-off challenge with Michael, a pop & lock instructor. Here’s the funny part: Bilbro was much better than Michael. It was kind of embarrassing, which might be why Jillian gifted Michael with a rose, and she chose to show Greg the door.

Let’s just get the show on the road. Is Jesse the winemaker missing a tooth? Sasha claims to be from Tikki Island, Texas. What is that? Did I choose Simon just because he’s from England. Sure did! Chimchiminee! Can you be a lifeguard at 45? Sure can. Ask Josh. He claims to be 25, but that can’t be right. Mike, nice move throwing her a ball, and saying “You’re a great catch.” Really smooth. Mathue, personal trainer from Wichita, I don’t believe that’s how your name is spelled.

Cute guys that were our top picks, but that she will never, ever, ever, ever end up with: Juan, Kiptyn, Sasha, and Ed.

This being a reality show, Dallas is, of course, represented. Jake is a commercial pilot who lives in Denton. He seems nice enough. “I’m looking for a wife,” he says. I guess he’s too busy for eHarmony or It’s Just Lunch. The other guy… Can I just tell you that I can’t wait to meet this guy? Tanner P. is a “financial analyst” who convinces Jillian to take off her shoes so he can study her feet. He says things like, “I need to get some foot action.” and when he describes his hobbies, it goes like this, “Cookin’…fishin’…chicken.” One can only assume he means the water sport favored by fraternity men and topless coeds at Lake Havasu. Both advanced to the next round, so we’ll see what happens.

Let’s hope I make it. In the words of Jillian, “You have to slay a few dragons to find the prince.” I feel you, girl. I have to slay about a 12-pack of beer to find the strength to watch the show.

Okay, boys. You can have your blog back.

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