Maybe it was the holiday weekend. Could have been the beers. Perhaps it’s just a bad show. Whatever the case, the guhls and I had a tough viewing experience. At one point, Mike (the break dancing instructor) tells Bachelorette Jillian Harris, “You smell unbelievable.” She replies, “It’s Eau de Harris.” Sarah begins laughing and asks, “Wait, what? Harrah’s?” And then we laughed about the idea of Jillian smelling like some terrible casino and missed whatever came next. All this to warn you that you’re in for a punch-drunk recap. If you don’t mind, jump.
Jillian doesn’t seem to mind strutting her stuff in a bikini, which is lucky. The first date is–surprise!–a pool party. Cut to the requisite shot of the water volleyball match, with Jillian on some fool’s shoulders. Regarding the whole shirtless thing: a lot of these guys have great bodies. But we immediately like Ed, the only gentleman who refuses to take off his shirt. (One guhl in particular really likes him, observing, “Ed likes water! I like water!” and so forth.) Alas, we don’t feel as warmly about Brad, who didn’t bother to get in the pool. In fact, I actually just looked up his real name–we called him as “Clay Aiken” and “cold sore,” but more on the latter later.
So Jillian is discussing her scent with Break Dancing Mike when she suddenly excuses herself to find her hat. She picks up the first impression rose (or whatever it’s called) and her chapeau–pants are overrated–and then jumps into a Mini Cooper. She’s apparently being kidnapped by John Reoch! (That joke only works if you know that Reoch likes hats and drives a Mini Cooper.) Anyway, the guys are teamed up and dispatched into Mini Coopers to find her. I’m not going to go too much into that–but a few observations: Mike and Tanner F. scream and carry on like total girls. Wes and Clay Aiken are oblivious to the back windshield wiper swinging back and forth even though it appears to be a beautiful day. Somehow, the color of Ed’s bow tie changes.
Jillian is awaiting the lucky team at a bank vault–the idea being that she and one lucky gent will be locked into a windowless, airless vault for a romantic dinner. I can’t think of anything less appetizing…except having to carry on a conversation with either Wes or Clay Aiken. Seriously, if I were Jillian, I would spend my free time praying, “Please God. Anyone other than these jokers. Even the dude who calls me ‘Hot Tub’ is fine.” But, alas, Wes and Clay Aiken win and Jillian must choose which one gets to get locked up with her. Clay Aiken may be the kind of person who breaks into hives when he gets nervous, because I didn’t notice the sore on his lip and nose until this very moment. One can only assume Jillian notices them, too, and considers the idea of sharing a dessert because she chooses Wes.
Let me just say that I hate Wes. I don’t believe he’s from Austin–I don’t even think he’s from Texas. He behaves like someone he thinks should come from Austin. He’s got this absurd drawl and speaks in platitudes. Whatever. They talk about past relationships, and he says, “I’m probably the most easiest guys you’ll ever meet.” or some such nonsense. They kiss, she gives him a rose, which means he gets to move into her house. The very idea of listening to him strum, strum, strum his guitar into the wee hours is enough to make me want to kill myself, but whatevs. I guess in these economic times, that’s less daunting than having to invest in lip balm anytime a stressful situation comes up.
Next up: one on one date. She chooses Jake, our fly-boy from Dallas. When Jillian comes to get him, she’s clad in a fringe dress and red Wonder Woman boots. He’s wearing Dockers and a (possibly denim) shirt–kinda nerdy. But no worries; Jillian has big plans. Knowing that he’s from Texas, she intuits how much he must love western wear. (This is probably something that Wes shared with her during dinner.) Cut to fun montage of Jake trying on absolutely ridiculous shirts, boots, jeans, etc. At one point, Jillian, while wearing an Eric Celeste-type straw hat, flirtatiously buckles his belt. Disturbing on so many levels!
Once inappropriately dressed, the duo heads to House of Blues. Jake immediately demands a drink, which she makes! Then he asks her to prepare dinner, iron his shirt, and wax his car. Okay, not really, but he is kind of bossy. And so not smooth. At one point, Jillian is talking about finding the one, and he jerks forward and kisses her hard. It’s so awkward and horrible that we have to watch it maybe five times, a few times in slow motion. Jillian even laughs during the kiss. The producers must take pity, too, because suddenly the bar moves and out comes Martina McBride, clearly the victim of some terrible extortion scheme by an ABC executive. Poor Martina is forced to sing while they dance. Finally, Jillian gives Jake a rose. Best line of the night comes from our modest Jake, “This was one of the most special moments that SHE’S ever had.”
Now it’s time for Group Date 2, a basketball game with the Harlem Globetrotters. It’s obvious that this is the producers solution to the lack of diversity on the show, but it’s totally lame. Long story, short: Jillian wears shorts that expose her bottom; the mute guy from last week–David–has serious anger issues; and everyone hates my pick, Juan, who appears to have borrowed his shorts from Jillian. After the game, the gang is doing shots, and I guess Juan only pretends to drink his. This is apparently “disrespectful” in David’s eyes. He reasons, “There’s no reason we shouldn’t tie him to a tree and beat him up.” Seriously.
Let’s just go to elimination night, shall we? Wes opines, “This is no time to hit the breaks. It’s time to pump the gas.” Save it for your songs, buddy. Tanner P. cradles Jillian’s feet. Robby, the bartender from Spring, does an amazing trick where he throws a cherry in the air and catches it on a toothpick in his mouth. ( I love him.) Brian (“Hot Tub”) gets a crowd together so that he can show them how awesome he is by stripping and jumping in the pool. (Also, he says something like, “Jillian, will you accept this butt __?” and it sounded like “bucket”–or worse–but we couldn’t figure it out, even after rewinding many times. Anyone?) Juan gets voted least popular, but Jillian remains undeterred and rewards him with a rose anyway. In the end, Brian’s naked tricks don’t work. Simon (“Chimchiminee”), Matthue, and Julian are also given the boot. Our Dallas boys remain to fight another day. As does Clay Aiken.
Poor Jillian.
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