First slurp: Detective Mike Walton has had a bad run of luck lately. While trying to close the case on a string of high-profile Uptown burglaries, Walton first spit the bit on a search warrant request, cutting-and-pasting from an unrelated sexual assault investigation. Now he accidentally included the words “of a homicide” in a subpoena relating to phone records. Somewhere in there, he also wrote another warrant request that didn’t show enough probable cause for a search.
“These are mistakes of the mind, but not of the heart,” said Dallas police Capt. Jack Bragg, who probably has tried to write a crime novel in his spare time at some point. I’d assume it’s about a hard-as-nails ex-police captain, booted off the force for a crime he didn’t commit, scratching out a living as a small-time private investigator. Only now, the case he’s working on and the case that ended his career as a cop have converged, giving him one last chance at redemption — or one more chance to be in the wrong place at the wrong time! Again, that’s just a guess.
Second slurp: Man, the Morning News just can’t get enough of raccoons lately. First, there was the raccoon that staged a home invasion in Kessler Park. You could call him a bandit. Now comes video of a “friendly neighborhood raccoon” that likes playing with dogs. This raccoon is actually called Bandit.
Which reminds me of the time Tim Rogers killed a squirrel. Only because Matt Pulle was talking about that yesterday and kept referring to the varmint T-Roge popped as a “raccoon.” Potato, potahto.
Tiny spill on shirt: Steve Blow checks in from Sunnyvale in a celebratory mood, since his nemesis, one Martin “Marty” Cortland, has been vanquished. Keeping it street for the kids, Steve drops both a Richie Rich and a Master of the Universe reference. (What what!) What Steve doesn’t realize is that, once again, he has played right into our hands. What he also doesn’t realize is that the true identity of Marty Cortland was none other than — drum roll, please — James Ragland! That’s right, his black friend! The column was calling from inside the house!
Third slurp: Speaking of Matt Pulle, which I recently was: right after the squirrel/raccoon mix-up, he made a much deadlier error in judgment, trying to convince Eric Celeste that “Fantasy Girl” was recorded by Survivor and not, in fact, by .38 Special. He continued to press his case even after Eric looked at him with pure murder in his eyes. I think this video from the Wisconsin State Fair in West Allis, Wisconsin, should settle the score once and for all.
Fourth slurp: Oh, and since I’m already on YouTube, here’s the first thing that popped up when I typed in “Dallas.” This was the first result for “D Magazine.” “FrontBurner” gets you this. “Steve Blow” actually points you to something about Fox News. Nothing really comes up for “Matt Pulle,” but here is BMXer Mat Hoffman doing a 180 backflip.
Second, larger spill; first serious check of the integrity of coffee cup: Since there is a free preview of the NBA League Pass happening, I spent a fair amount of time (read: from when I got home until I fell asleep) watching basketball last night. Since the Mavs kick off their season tonight against the Houston Rockets, I took in the bulk of Grizzlies v. Rockets.
Here’s my breakdown: Tracy McGrady is already kind of banged up, Yao Ming runs like Greg Oden does right now, and Ron Artest couldn’t be any more of a chucker if he were Tim spotting up on the wing at the Premier Club. That said, they look pretty frisky on defense, especially Artest, who was stalking around like a werewolf who had been bitten by a vampire.
But don’t forget the Mavs now have Gerald Green, of whom I said this at one point in time:
Brief scouting report: he’s taller than I am, he’s from Houston, this will be his fourth team in four seasons, he can dunk, he can’t do much else, he looks good in shorts, and his name, thankfully, can’t really be shortened to a letter-and-a-syllable nickname (A-Rod, T-Mac, et al.) Instant opinion: can you say, “dynasty?”
So, yeah.
Fifth slurp: The Philadelphia Phillies won their first World Series since 1980. Expect tons of gloating and more than his fair share of ellipses from former Observer writer and current Philadelphia Inquirer sports columnist John Gonzalez possibly as soon as right now. Almost all of it will sound like this.
Sixth slurp: Nothing to report. Just checking my e-mail.
Seventh slurp: Facebook status update time. Thinking about going with a song lyric. Or — oooh! — a play on words.
Eighth slurp: Probably should change my Gmail status while I’m at it.
Ninth slurp: Anyone else excited about 30 Rock‘s premiere tonight? I hear Oprah’s in it!
Tenth slurp: Guess who doesn’t like Tim Rogers? Okay, let me narrow it down. Guess who doesn’t like Tim Rogers and works at the Observer? Okay, I’ll try to narrow it down further. Did you guess?
Cup turned over, last dregs spilling out: Oh, did everyone else know Boomer Esiason and Troy Aikman were feuding? Well, I guess they aren’t anymore. Since he no longer has that weighing on his mind, Troy will have more time to hang around Mi Cocina and practice agreeing with Joe Buck.
