As I’m sure you know, GCB has created a bit of a furor. According to Newt Gingrich, the show is just another example of how anti-Christian Hollywood is. With all due respect to Newt, he’s missing the point. To paraphrase a Seinfeld episode, this shouldn’t offend him as a Christian person. It should offend him as a comedian. (He’s a comedian, yes?) I think the main problem I’m still having with this show is that, from all accounts, Amanda was a psychopath in high school. She was beyond cruel. She terrorized her classmates—and those women are still clearly scarred from the nasty things she did to them. So Amanda’s transformation makes little to no sense. Wouldn’t it be a more interesting show if Amanda were still a sociopath—maybe the devil? She arrives in Dallas, set on destroying these women once and for all, and they have to use God to fight her evil ways? Or maybe they kill her with kindness? I don’t know. I’m still workshopping.
So onto the recap. Wee Carlene has taken to her bed. Clad in sunglasses, nightgown, and matching headband, she’s beyond humiliated. For last week at church, Amanda outed her as the owner of the questionable establishment Boobylicious. Carlene’s very, very, very tan husband wants her to get out of bed and get ready for church—he even quotes Proverbs!—but she refuses. (My friend Jason asks, “Why are all the men so tan on this show?”) Instead she gets on the phone and tries to enlist her friends to come over, but they all refuse to miss church. As if that’s not bad enough, a friend offers to take her choir solo. “Where are my rubies?” Carlene asks as she rushes to get ready. “The show must go on!”
After all the characters run by the old Dynasty set and pick out some Nolan Miller frocks, they head to church where we get another song from Carlene. (Is Chenoweth going to sing in every episode?) This time she’s singing “Jesus Take the Wheel,” which, in addition to being a horrible song, is also a dig at Amanda, whose husband died in a car crash. So it’s offensive on lots of levels. After the show, the mean girls confront Amanda in the vestibule. “The message of the song is all about how Jesus is in charge of our destiny,” Carlene informs Amanda. “Just go. With God,” Crickett adds.
Amanda fends them off with talk of Carrie Underwood.
Later, Crickett, Heather, Sharon, and Carlene are working on their fitness with a powerwalk. Unfortunately, they have clad Sharon in a terrible orange outfit. (This reminds me. In last week’s New York Magazine Approval Matrix, on the lowbrow/despicable side, they list “GCB revisits the trope of ‘ex fattie who can’t stop eating when stressed.'” That pretty much nails it.) The girls are talking about changing the image of Boobylicious. While devising their evil plan, they run into some older women wearing too much jewelry. Talk turns to the luncheon Amanda’s mother, Gigi, is planning. The youngs manage to out Amanda as an alcoholic even as they manage to let it be known that no one will be attending the lunch. Poor Gigi!
Meanwhile, Amanda is getting ready for work. She’s telling Gigi about some of the women she works with. “Rowanda?” Gigi asks in disbelief. “With an ‘O'” Amanda says. Suddenly, Amanda’s purse breaks! If you think the writers weren’t going to introduce some gun humor, well, you’re watching the wrong show, folks. Of course Gigi offers her a replacement purse. Of course there’s a gun in it. Of course there’s some witty repartee.
Did you know that all women in Texas get boob jobs when they’re in high school? Me neither. I think I was shortchanged. Anyway, Carlene, Sharon, and Crickett are hanging out when Alexandra walks in. Alexandra is Crickett’s daughter. “Alexandra! Look at those pretty new pillows!” Carlene says while molesting the girl’s boobs. Talk turns to Amanda’s daughter, Laura, who the women say is “unattractively smart and eats.” (As unrealistic as this show is, it sucks that they nail just how sadistic moms can be about their kids’ classmates.) The three women encourage Alexandra and her friends to be mean to Laura because they are still reeling from the time Amanda branded them “javelinas,” a charming high school ritual that also included dumping buckets of mud on them. “Go for it, girls. Just desserts,” Crickett says as she serves cake. (Get it!?! Get it!?!)
Carlene has been thinking hard about the Boobylicious issue and finally devises a solution. She decides to rebrand and make the restaurant “an instrument for something good.” She says her mission is to help the “wayward and wanton women.” As part of the rebrand, the uniforms have been replaced. Now all the women must dress like Kelly McGillis in Witness. Amanda points out that Carlene is a huge hypocrite—the woman dresses provocatively all the time. But it’s no use, and all the waitresses are mad because they know no one except Harrison Ford pays attention to women dressed like that.
Sure enough, business dries up, so Amanda heads home early. Gigi is in a terrible mood. It seems that everyone has canceled for her grand luncheon and she’s had to call it off. Amanda is also angry at Gigi because it’s all her fault that she was a psychopath in high school. “No one ever told me no,” she whines. The argument is interrupted when Laura comes home from school and Amanda spots a scarlet pig on her kid’s jacket. She’s been branded a javelina.
Amanda calls Carlene—who is sexing up her tan husband—and confronts her. She accuses her of plotting against her daughter and taking money out of waitresses’ pockets. “I do pray every day for leadership abilities,” Carlene responds. She is presumably doing dirty things to her husband’s body parts (“I’ve got my hands full at the moment”) but agrees to go to lunch to discuss matters.
Once she’s taken care of her husband’s needs, Carlene jumps into her fancy red Audi convertible and picks up Amanda and takes her to Marfa for lunch. Not really. But it’s far away. And in the desert. It might be Scottsdale. Anyway, they’re eating pulled pork and Carlene is once again reminding Amanda of what a monster she was in high school. “You know, 20 years ago, when you offered me a ride, and you had your friends throw mud on me and call me a nasty pig?” she says. “But I fixed all of it. And I love you for that … Because of your unspeakable cruelty, I transformed myself.” (Typing that made me really sad. I wish this show weren’t such a cartoon because that’s some sad, awful, interesting material.) Anyway, Carlene pops a roasted pork in the backseat and abandons Amanda in Scottsdale or wherever they are.
Finally, it’s time for the big pep rally, starring Alexandra and her new pillows. The gym boasts a chandelier, a guest list, and a bouncer. The fire marshal makes an appearance because a fire exit is blocked, but that problem is solved with a name drop (“Laura Bush”) and a mixed drink. (I want to go to that high school.) Crickett, sad about the fact that her husband is gay, lashes out at Sharon and tells her that her husband has kissed Amanda. Because Sharon is an eater who is always eating, she throws cotton candy at her husband and storms out.
Meanwhile, Amanda shows up at the pep rally and finds girls covered in mud in the parking lot. “I’m sorry you’re a javelina. It’s not your fault!” she yells. Pretty comforting, yes? Luckily, her daughter is not among them. Instead Laura is covered in glitter—Crickett has told her daughter to befriend her so that they can find out more scoop. “I had no idea I could be popular so fast,” Laura gushes. Amanda tries to talk her out of being friends with those girls to no avail. “Who says I’m going to be snobby and cruel? Laura counters. “I’m not you.”
Alexandra’s shirt pops open and her new pillows are exposed during the pep rally.
But that’s not it for boobs. Ripp Cockburn—Carlene’s husband—is not pleased with the drop in profits over at Boobylicious. He reinstates the original uniforms. Carlene is against it, of course, but Ripp quotes Proverbs 31, something about the man being the head of the household. Instead of rolling her eyes and telling him to get bent, she backs down. Amanda has added her own touch to the uniforms: the back of the t-shirts are adorned with “My cup runneth over.” So yay! Everybody wins. Amanda gets to work her crap job. Gigi gets to have her luncheon at Boobylicious (to show support for Amanda since she was a bad mom and made her daughter a sociopath). Carlene and Ripp get to make lots of money. And they all live happily ever after.
Until next week!
Photo via ABC
