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Politics & Government

Rick Perry Makes His Decision

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"Governor Perry, as you know, people have been wondering these last few days -- "
“Governor Perry, as you know, people have been wondering these last few days — “
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. I got something worked out for you boys, so if you could hold your questions for a GD second."
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. I got something worked out for you boys, so if you could hold your questions for a GD second.”
"Let's see here. Huh. This is just notes for a Smokey and the Bandit reboot."
“Let’s see here. Huh. This is just notes for a Smokey and the Bandit reboot.”
"Well, I think we can all agree on the potential awesomeness of that. But I guess you fellas want to hear about my decision."
“Well, I think we can all agree on the potential awesomeness of that. But I guess you fellas want to hear about my decision.”
(long sigh) "Eh, sure. Why not?"
(long sigh) “Eh, sure. Why not?”
"Now, there's been a lot of talk going around about what ol' Ricky is gonna do. Lot of folks trying to get me to do this or that."
“Now, there’s been a lot of talk going around about what ol’ Ricky is gonna do. Lot of folks trying to get me to do this or that.”
"They all want a piece of the haircut! I feel like the prize hog at the fair. Ain't that right, Chuck?"
“They all want a piece of the haircut! I feel like the prize hog at the fair. Ain’t that right, Chuck?”
"Hahahaha, you better believe it, RP."
“Hahahaha, you better believe it, RP.”
"Anyhell, I spent all day yesterday trying to figure out what to do."
“Anyhell, I spent all day yesterday trying to figure out what to do.”
"Well, not *all* day. Those fireworks ain't gonna shoot themselves, even though I've been trying to get the Lege to draw up a bill to get that done."
“Well, not *all* day. Those fireworks ain’t gonna shoot themselves, even though I’ve been trying to get the Lege to draw up a bill to get that done.”
(silently thinking about some sort of robot firework situation for 45 seconds)
(silently thinking about some sort of robot firework situation for 45 seconds)
"Pretty boss, right?"
“Pretty boss, right?”
"I don't see where any of this is --"
“I don’t see where any of this is –“
"Stuff it, hand. Wrap it in bacon, put it on the grill, and serve it to me with a side of SHUT UP."
“Stuff it, hand. Wrap it in bacon, put it on the grill, and serve it to me with a side of SHUT UP.”
"What was I saying? Oh, lots of options for Slick Rick the Ruler out there. Run for governor again. Did that. Run for president again."
“What was I saying? Oh, lots of options for Slick Rick the Ruler out there. Run for governor again. Did that. Run for president again.”
"..."
“…”
"And I thought about both. And then I was like, RICK. Why retrace your GD dang steps?"
“And I thought about both. And then I was like, RICK. Why retrace your GD dang steps?”
"Governor Perry, what exactly are you -- "
“Governor Perry, what exactly are you — “
"JESUS CHRYSLER 300, GUYS. LET ME DO THIS. SO HELP ME, I WILL AWKWARDLY PUNCH YOU INTO A PULP."
“JESUS CHRYSLER 300, GUYS. LET ME DO THIS. SO HELP ME, I WILL AWKWARDLY PUNCH YOU INTO A PULP.”
(sighs) "I'm sorry, boys. Just gotten pretty torqued up over this whole thing. You understand. I'm sure it's like when you fellas have to decide between Chipotle and Chik-fil-A."
(sighs) “I’m sorry, boys. Just gotten pretty torqued up over this whole thing. You understand. I’m sure it’s like when you fellas have to decide between Chipotle and Chik-fil-A.”
(long sigh)
(long sigh)
"OK, OK. After careful consideration, I have come to a decision."
“OK, OK. After careful consideration, I have come to a decision.”
"Provided we can work out a sign-and-trade, I plan to spend next season with the Golden State Warriors."
“Provided we can work out a sign-and-trade, I plan to take my talents to the Bay Area and spend next season with the Golden State Warriors.”

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