Monday, June 17, 2024 Jun 17, 2024
81° F Dallas, TX

Hostess Is Closing, so Let’s Rank Their Products

Source: Ezra Wolfe

If you click over to right now, you’ll be greeted with a terrible message that begins: “Hostess Brands is Closed.” Straight to the point, no delicious filler.

When I was a kid, there was a Hostess Outlet in Poughkeepsie, New York, where they’d send all of the slightly mangled cakes: orange cupcakes with terrible icing jobs, under-coconutted Snoballs, smashed Suzy Q’s. They were all in a huge grated bin, like t-shirts at a Hanes outlet.  We were allowed to pick out one treat; I always went with the twin-pack of orange cupcakes, since they were so hard to find in regular stores.

Hostess treats were important to me as a kid. We weren’t dirt poor, but Hostess always signified when we were doing alright. They meant things would be good for another week. I’m sad to see them go.

In their honor, let’s rank them. Jump for tasty goodness.

I decided to separate “Hostess Cakes” from “Hostess Brands.” Otherwise, I’m slipping in Drake’s coffee cakes and Yodels right at the top, which wouldn’t be fair to people who’ve never experienced their deliciousness. And we’ll only do a top five, since I got other stuff to do today.

5. SnoBalls– Good, not great. Cake was always too dry. Maybe that’s because I’ve only ever eaten one from an outlet, and it was right on the cusp of expiration.

4. Twinkies- Overrated due to their market saturation. Also, this terrified me as a child:

3. Ho-Hos– Yodels’ weak cousin, the one people always say looks like you, but you just don’t see it. Bizarro Yodels.

2. Suzy Q’s– If the Hostess Outlet lacked the orange cupcakes, they became the go-to. I was not as worried about the grammars then.

1. The aforementioned orange cupcakes– So deliciously fake orangey. So rare.

People may also make a case for the Baseball cupcakes (vanilla on vanilla, with red stitching), which I understand. Probably #6.