Rick Perry Comes Back to Texas

"The schedule said 9 a.m., right? Anyone seen him?"

"The schedule said 11 a.m., right? Anyone seen him?"

(sound of Garth Brooks' "The Dance" playing loud enough it is clearly audible outside the bus. The song ends and then immediately starts again, even louder)

"Nope. Griff said he thinks he's still on the bus."

(The song abruptly ends. A voice is heard screaming: "GAME FACE, RICKY! GAME FACE!")

"I ... I'm gonna miss you guys."

(Joe Esposito's "You're the Best Around" -- from The Karate Kid soundtrack -- plays five times)

(muffled) "OK, let's do this. (door opens) "How y'all doin'?"

"Oh, here he is. Governor Perry, um, well, last night you didn't exactly pull out of the campaign, but you did cancel all of your activities in South Carolina. So, what are your pla--"

"Eesh. Jesus pumping a 12-gauge, Jerry. Let a fella get his GD bearings for a sec, huh?"

"Oh, uh, OK."

"I actually prepared something on the bus ride back. Let's see here..."

"JUST BECAUSE WE HAD A SETBACK IN IOWA DOES NOT MEAN ... WE WILL COME BACK AND FIGH ... I AM HERE TO TELL YOU ... "

"JUST BECAUSE WE HAD A SETBACK IN IOWA DOES NOT MEAN ... WE WILL COME BACK AND FIGHT ... I AM HERE TO TELL YOU ... "

"..."

(long sigh)

"Governor? Mr. Perry? ... Rick?"

"Ah, hell. Screw it."

"What in the double GD dang happened, fellas? Where did ol' Ricky go wrong?"

"Well, Governor, there was the speech in New Hampshire. And the debate. And the other debate. And the commercial. And the other commercial. And--"

"I mean, SERIOUSLY! What did I do? We were running this thing like a dang Swiss watch. No bad hair days. I wore my lucky barn jacket. I was on Letterman AND Leno. I mean, did I not shoot my guns enough? Is that it? I told Griffin I needed to shoot my guns more. Griffin. GRIFFIN! Didn't I tell you that?"

"You sure did, Dad."

"Hell, I even figured out what the voting age is ... "

(mutters) "Eventually."

" ... and got Jeffress out of my hair."

"Now, Rick, I don't remember it exactly like--"

"Stow it, padre. Make you mouth like Jesus' tomb and don't roll the stone away from it for a few days."

"Stow it, padre. Make your mouth like Jesus' tomb and don't roll the stone away from it for a few days."

"I HAD THIS THING BY THE GD BISCUITS."

"Ol' Crotch had the ball and he was RUNNING WITH IT, BABY."

"Anyway, I'm done with this horse hockey. You guys have fun kicking Big Love in the chaps. I'm gonna split. You got the corn dogs and Chard in van, Chuck?"

"Anyway, I'm done with this horse hockey. You guys have fun kicking Big Love in the chaps. I'm gonna split. You load all the corn dogs and Chard in the van, Chuck?"

"Ha, you know it, Ricky!"

"Me and Chuck are road-tripping out to Florida. Mr. Herman Cain told me he'd set me up with a job delivering pizzas. And let me tell you, once Chuck and I get to Florida, it is gonna be ON."