Exclusive: A Message From Tom Leppert

"Hey guys. Do you have a minute? I've got something important to talk about."

"Whoa, whoa -- don't worry. Hey, stay here. Come on. It's not about my senate campaign. I've given up on that."

"I mean, seriously. Everyone said, 'Tommy, this is a terrible idea. Stick around as mayor, get your name on something, and live off no-show board positions and maybe a couple of FOX appearances when everyone else calls in sick or just doesn't feel like talking.' But, no. Had to give it a shot. Anyway. I'm still technically in, but I'm not going to bug you guys about that anymore."

"No, what I want to talk to you about today is actually much more exciting to me. What if I were to tell you that you could combine over-the-top patriotism with the adroit comfort of cotton?"

"I know what you're thinking: 'Tom Leppert, you're a smart guy, a true conservative, a proven job creator, and someone who knows a thing a two about fashion. How can you blatantly lie to us like this? NO SUCH GARMENT EXISTS.'"

"It does."

"We've partnered with Ross to provide these AMERICAN-made shirts to all you fine AMERICANS starting on Friday. If you buy four, you get a free pair of Oakleys. If you buy six, you get a hat like the one I'm wearing. If you buy eight, you get a two-night stay at the Omni Dallas Convention Center Hotel."