It wasn’t long ago that Dallas attorney Rachel Lindsay had her heart nominally broken on The Bachelor, where she was denied a rose and the affections of Nick Viall after landing among the show’s final contestants. But sometimes when God closes a door, He opens 31 windows, through which 31 silly, silly men are leering.
So you tell me who’s the real winner here, Nick. Lindsay has already made reality TV history by being named the first black Bachelorette in the show’s history, and starting Monday night on ABC she’ll try to make magic happen with one of 31 suitors, whose names, bios, and mugshots ABC shared Wednesday. Barrett Brown is not among them.
I made a brief attempt to scan through and summarize the stories of each contestant, but my eyes rolled back into my head and I began foaming at the mouth after reading that Jonathan, 31, New Smyrna Beach, FL, listed his occupation as “tickle monster.” For my own safety, I decided to focus instead on the three contestants from Dallas. Surely, I thought, if Lindsay, a poised young lawyer with enough charisma to become a reality TV fan favorite, could do our city proud in front of a national audience, these men could do the same. Let’s take a closer look at the three biggest goobers in Dallas.
The D Magazine Preseason Grade: D–
Adam’s three favorite movies are Transformers, The Pursuit of Happyness, and The Wolf of Wall Street, which marks at least two boxes on the Hare Psychopathy Checklist. His idea of romance seems roughly equivalent with that of a 13-year-old Maxim magazine reader. (Q: “What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why?” A: “A threesome. It was my birthday.”) His description of Jennifer Lawrence as “every girl’s goal” seems awfully presumptuous and awfully sexist. He is, however, scared of snakes and spiders, which are reasonable things to fear. He should also fear shame and embarrassment on national television, but then again, this guy signed up to be on The Bachelorette. Adam knows no shame.
The D Magazine Preseason Grade: B+
Fred’s Q&A actually makes him seem like an OK guy, but again, he is looking for love on reality television, so something isn’t right here. Two graduate degrees. His favorite artist is Jean-Michel Basquiat. He is comfortable with the duality of being both “the party-starter” and “the laid back one.” He is close with his mother and sisters, and likes dancing. He wouldn’t mind being Ellen DeGeneres for a day because she makes other people happy. He is an unselfish lover. Unlike Meat Loaf, he would do anything for love. Even that. Go get ’em, Fred.
The D Magazine Preseason Grade: N/A
This man’s name is Jack Stone, and he is neither a porn star nor action movie hero. I didn’t get past “Jack Stone” in the Q&A. Jack Stone.
Note: For more on Rachel Lindsay’s quest for true love, our own Caitlin Clark will be recapping this season of The Bachelorette at dmagazine.com. Stay tuned.