Episode 6 of Big Rich Texas begins on the golf course where Bonnie is at the wheel. Leslie is riding shotgun when she sees AJ the golf pro and asks Bonnie to pull over behind a tree so they can stalk him. At first I thought she felt the need to hide because she had a school girl crush and was embarrassed. But then I remembered how the women sexually harassed him in episode 2 and I realized, she’s hiding so he doesn’t run away, busting through the chain-link thug prevention fence.
Bon, sweetie, you have a PhD. And surgically enhanced size triple Gs. You know he can see ya’ll around that tree trunk, right?
When it was time to golf, Leslie unbuttoned her conservative shirt and suddenly, she was ready for the stripper pole her lesson. Quick, take us somewhere wholesome.
Like the soda fountain at Highland Park Pharmacy. That’s where we find Maddie announcing to Grace that her mother, Melissa, is finally letting her “date” in group date settings. So it looks like Grace has a job to do but she immediately notes a flaw: where is her typical $10 per hour babysitting fee?
Cut to the couch where Mel is…wait a minute. Melissa, I think you ripped your shirt. What did you say? I won’t even provide a photo. Go fix your top and we’ll catch up later, K?
Speaking of shirts, I’ve noticed something that disturbs me- mainly because it highlights the fact that I know way to much about this show. I just realized that every time we’ve seen Leslie on the golf course, she’s been wearing the same plaid shorts, switching back and forth between a yellow and blue top that she shares with Kalyn. You’d think that since the production company has been out buying throw pillows to jazz up Woodhaven, they’d have grabbed a few more things for Les to wear.
Next we take a head-spinning ride on one of those Style Network tricky transitions from stately mansions on Beverly Drive to Bonnie’s house with the garage in front, somewhere in the Lewisville/Flower Mound area. Whitney is studying for a test because if she gets straight As in community college this semester, her mom will buy her a pair of size Fs. I don’t know about you, but when I was 23 years old, if I had the c-word tattooed on my foot, was still in an undergrad program, and had a tendency to dump beverages on people at restaurants, my parents wouldn’t be rewarding me with plastic surgery.
Bonnie tells us, “Whitney and I are more best friends than mother and daughter so when I get bored, I turn to her.” If this were true, Bon would have the word VAGINA printed across her forehead by now but we get the idea, they’re super close.
Anyway, Bon wants Whitney to go on a walk instead of burying her head in a chemistry text book so she pinky swears, “We’ll only be gone 30 minutes.” This is where it becomes abundantly clear that Bonnie has zero respect for pinky laws and Whit needs some geography lessons. Because next thing you know they’re walking the Katy Trail. It takes 30 minutes to get there from your house, ladies. Then add on the time you spent walking and stopping for beers along the way and you’ve lost half a day, easy. Word- never trust a professor who pinky swears.
Cut to Woodhaven Country Club where the rented furniture and table linens leave us asking one question: Pam, you’re feeling right at home, aren’t you?
Connie is chillin’ with Melissa and Pamela so she takes the opportunity to invite them to her big family Bar-B-Q. Melissa is gracious and (maybe a bit too overzealously) says, “Absolooootely, I love Bar-B-Qs.” Duarte takes a stab at the kindness thing and says, “Me too, that’s my favorite thing.” Pam, you must’ve misunderstood, she said “I love Bar-B-Qs,” not “I want a coat made of puppies.”
It confused Melissa too so she immediately refocused the conversation, bringing it back to a comfortable level of negativity, commenting on how unfortunate it is that she’ll still be on that insane hormone injection starvation diet during the Bar-B-Q. Melissa shares that she’s getting back into modeling with Leslie’s help and weight loss is part of the gig.
Pamela didn’t like the feeling she got when she tried the nice thing a minute ago so she has to make up for it with a slam on Leslie, “I don’t like her body.” Really Pam? You don’t like her body? I’m a heterosexual wife and mother of 4 but this picture makes me understand Ellen DeGeneres a little better.
Shut up, Leslie is coming. She sits down with the women letting them know she just finished a golf lesson. They want to know who her instructor was and Les responds, “My little stud muffin.”
And since Leslie looks happy, Pam starts researching ways to cut her to the core, “Leslie’s really been bugging me since she’s shown up here, she says she’s a million-heiress and she’s always bragging about her homes and her golf lessons and her [using air quotes] beige Ferrari, but I don’t see anything that backs up her claim to wealth.” And she turns to Hannah, “Something stinks in Denmark, do you smell it?”
Pam, as we say at my house, “The smeller is the feller.” And to be fair, we’re still waiting on some indication of your [see my air quotes] wealth.
Back at the table Pam is telling the women about a book she co-wrote. And rather than bust a gut laughing at the thought, the ladies act interested and ask questions like they care. Duarte tells them, “It’s a, uh, political thriller, and I’m always fascinated with conspiracy theory.”
Conspiracy theory like the one where you plot the demise of Dallas’ global image by yip-yappin’ it up on television about being the most elite thing our city has to offer? Yeah, I’m always fascinated by that kind of thing too.
Then, after making the road trip to Plano, we see Leslie and AJ get out of the car and stretch their legs before heading into Pamela’s house where she’s only invited mean people that have agreed in advance to sit and watch while Duarte and her husband circle Leslie and snarl with their fangs hanging out.
But first, a little more from Pam on how she feels about Les dating AJ, “The cougar has killed the cub, she’s dragging in the meat, blood still drippin’ from her mouth.” Pam, I heard Ignacio was darn near a decade your junior so let’s shush, shall we?
But no way is Pam letting up. She approaches the dining room where the small number of guests are standing awkwardly while they eat in what is clearly a collision of inadequate seating and evil spirits. In her super-classy signature style, Pam asks Leslie and AJ, “So just friends? Friends with benefits?”
And no one knows the answer because we were too busy processing the feelings of pity, hysteria and bewilderment that overwhelmed viewers as Pam’s dress came into focus. This has to be a double-dog dare of some sort.
Pam starts in on Leslie about how many homes she doubts Leslie really owns, while a nameless friend counts them on her fingers. While Leslie is responding to their questions, Pam whispers in the corner giving her cast-mate that 7th grade cafeteria vibe.
Pamela pounds Les about commercial properties she owns and tells us, “Something’s up with this woman, I have reason to be concerned about Leslie. Everything she’s doing around here, all things are pointing to not legit and imposter.”
Pam, I believe in the psychology world, this is called projection.
What did you say, Ignacio? Oh he’s piling on too, “Leslie, the math doesn’t add up.”
What math, Iggy? She didn’t give you any numbers. You must be talking about this equation:
Pam is jealous + Leslie is richer – Pam is looking more evil than usual = Iggy better step up or move out.
He’s still at it, “Everyone that I know who has been in that business for the last 3 years is bankrupt so it doesn’t make sense unless you have a portfolio of about $100 million you cannot afford a lifestyle of 3 homes in 3 different states.”
Iggy, a) If you’re basing your expertise on your broke pals, I’d say that’s weak at best, b) I’m not in real estate but I think you have to have some rough numbers before you can determine the dollar amount necessary to maintain properties, c) Where’s your portfolio?, and d) Who asked you?
After the commercial break Pam is telling her guests, “Ignacio is skeptical, he’s skeptical.” Maybe he noticed that Leslie only has one pair of golf shorts? Anyway, he’s still pelting her with his thick accent, periodically launching into Spanish while everyone in the room pretends to comprehend except Leslie and AJ.
Suddenly Pam’s dress starts to make sense, this is some sort of Collin County Spanish Inquisition. Duarte is waving her tacky ruffled sleeves telling the woman next to her, “Something’s not right, she said she has a beige Ferrari.”
Pam, I too feel like something’s not right. For instance, why’d you wear that dress? You say you have a style team but we’ve seen nothing to back that up. Frankly, we’re skeptical.
Leslie and AJ had had enough and they graciously excused themselves for the evening. Pam can’t wait to debrief with us, “I think when they decided to take off it was because we were asking Leslie some hard and fast questions that normal legitimate people would be able to answer with ease.”
What like, let me see me your bank statements and tell me how much your house is worth- those kinds of questions? Yeah, legitimate people rattle that stuff off by request at parties all the time.
And they also say goodbye to guests like you did, shouting down the front walk, “Wear a condom.”
Back to the front facing garage where Whitney tells her mom that she made a B on her test, “It’s your fault.” Bonnie tells her the beer walk shouldn’t be looked upon with regret because, “That’s what people do in life, they have fun.”
Bon, you just don’t want to pay for her new boobs, right?
But Bonnie comes around and offers Whitney some help. Whitney looks closely at her mother and asks, “Are you being serious? It’s hard to tell from all that Botox.” Whitney, listen to me. If you have a daughter one day, you are so screwed. All you dished out and more will be thrust upon you. And think, she’ll have so much more material because your tattoos will be sagging.
Back in Fort Worth at the club, Kalyn appears to be paying tribute to Amy Winehouse via dramatic eye makeup that has no place at Woodhaven or in America for that matter. She tells Maddie how Leslie threatened to call her mom and refers to Leslie as a cougar, all while managing to hang on to her false eyelashes. Kudos, Kay-devil.
Cut to the couch where Kalyn is doing the Eddie Haskell with Leslie, “Ever since we met five years ago when you started coaching me, I’ve always thought of you as a godmother.”
Um, what was that? Five years ago? I thought Leslie grew up with your mom? What was all that a few episodes back about not having seen Tyler since you were little? You didn’t meet Leslie til you were 13? She’s not your godmother, she’s your reality TV fairy.
Next up, Grace and Maddie. They’re bowling with Zakk until Melissa shows up to embarrass her kid with an early departure, leaving Grace and Zakk sitting awkwardly. This is when we see sweet Zakk morph into Austin Powers, telling Grace what he really wants in a girlfriend, basically someone a lot like Grace.
Then an oddly romantic dinner for two as in, Bonnie and Leslie with no one else. Wine, candlelight, soft dialogue, and Leslie using her napkin to show what she’d look like as a nun. They tell each other how much they value the friendship they’ve developed and then exchange apologies for the way each of their punk kids acted when the drink throwing thing went down in episode 5. Leslie tells Bon all about the nightmare “dinner party” at Pam’s house and they toast to what sounded like an evil curse on Iggy and Duarte. This is getting really good.
Back at the golf course, Leslie is taking another lesson from AJ- same shorts, alternating shirt. She’s clearly not worried about the can’t-date-club-employees rule but he shouldn’t be either since in reality, he doesn’t work there. But we’ll play along. Leslie is hanging on him and plants a big kiss just in time for the club’s owner, Louis Scoma to zoom up on a golf cart and tell AJ to come to his office after the lesson.
Next, the Bar-B-Q. Connie is dressed like a pirate cowgirl and Pamela is heard referring to Leslie as a “goober.” Connie’s ex, John, is at the party too and Pam thinks since Leslie is talking to him that she’s flirting. Connie is clearly jealous irritated.
Pam heads over to mess with Leslie and is there when Kay-devil admits to being the one who told Scoma about the AJ/Leslie showmance. But you can’t blame Kalyn, “I was just trying to be proper and tell the truth.” And she keeps on flappin‘ her lips, “I was trying to protect you from making a fool of yourself.”
Send her back, Leslie. Send. Her. Back.
Who’s at Leslie’s door? Kalyn, look, it’s your mom! Tune in next Sunday to watch the pageant girl squirm.
Image: Pam and Hannah of Big Rich Texas!