By now you’re surely aware of Pizza Hut’s hot dog bites monstrosity. For those of you not in the pop culture food loop, let me fill you in: as of today, the nation can call up their corner Pizza Hut location and dial in an order for pizza with cocktail weenies wrapped in the crust. My inner 7-year-old was jumping off the walls at the notion of hot dogs and pizza combined into the same food item, so I ordered a couple of pies to the office.
Overall I was underwhelmed by the pizza. It wasn’t weird. There were no fireworks when I sunk my teeth into the tiny, dough-wrapped weenies. I didn’t hate it, but I also wouldn’t order it again.
A handful of D Magazine staff tasted the pizza and jotted down their opinions (it was shockingly more difficult to coax my co-workers into eating the pie than I thought it would be). Here’s what they thought.
“This pizza has me feeling deeply conflicted. On the one hand, it demonstrates why America is 2-0 in world wars. Do you think the Japanese have the ingenuity and wherewithal to create such a crust, stuffed as it is with tiny hotdogs? Of course not. On the OTHER hand, there was never a clearer sign that we are now living in an idiocracy. Good God, in the name of all that is right and holy, please stop this pizza. There is no way you could eat two slices of this and not be ashamed of yourself.”
“The concept of hot dog pizza initially seemed like fast food nihilism, a step too far in an arms race that had already begun spiraling out of control after Taco Bell started wrapping beef product in Dorito shells. In the flesh, though, the hot dog pizza is a little more reasonable. It’s a standard Pizza Hut pie with pigs-in-a-blanket sewn on like little stubby fingers sticking out of a greasy cheese and pepperoni palm. A bite doesn’t even need to involve both discrete parts, so you’re really just eating pizza and hot dogs in quick succession. If you like Vienna sausage, pizza, and gimmick fast food packaging, you’ll be OK with hot dog pizza. I had two slices. I am not a proud man.”
“It’s really two different items cooked together. It’s difficult to eat one of the pigs in a blanket in the same bit as the pepperoni pizza. It’s not nearly as disgusting as many other fast-food offerings. It’s not even as disgusting as a Pizza Hut stuffed-crust pizza. I would never order it, but it seems less of an abomination than I might have thought.”
“My first thoughts on appearances: disgusting and perfect. It smells like it’s heavy on the sodium. My tastebuds agree. The container of mustard on the side makes me feel extra enthusiastic about getting to the hot dog crust. but I want to savor every bite, so I am going to take my time getting there. Now my fingers smell like mustard, processed meat, greasy pizza crust. I am a satisfied customer!”
So, what do you think of Pizza Hut’s hot dog bite pie? Would you order it? Let’s discuss.
