Real Housewives

Last night, I had some people over to watch Game 7. At 8 o'clock my DVR interrupted the game to accommodate a previously scheduled recording. As my guests and family groaned at the inconvenience, I fumbled with the remote to find out what was going on. Yup, Real Housewives. The reunion show was last night. I can't tell you how great it felt to shut that crap off and get back to the game. So, no, I'm sorry, I'm not going to recap it. If you want to know what happened (something about Brandi nearly getting divorced, LeeAnne asking Mark Deuber if he needed a tampon), go read Elaine Liner over on CultureMap. Let's hope there is not a Season 2.

Yesterday morning I was dropping off my daughter at soccer camp at SMU when one of the young coaches, a bubbly redhead whose name, I would learn, was Kelcey said, "Are you famous? I recognize you! I know that sounds strange, but are you famous?" I looked at the several other coaches standing nearby and said to no one in particular, "What's the prank here? Who is responsible for this?" Kelcey went on and on about how she recognized me but couldn't recall my name. I meekly offered, "If you recognize me, it might be because I work at D Magazine." At which point her face lit up. "That's it!" Kelcey said. "Are you Zac Crain?" No, I am not Zac Crain. Last night at 11:30, Zac was probably fast asleep, fully clothed, on his couch. I, meanwhile, was still watching Episode 9 of The Real Housewives of Dallas, which was titled “Killing Time in Austin.” This, friends, is our penultimate RHOD recap. Let us not tarry any longer with sad tales of misidentification. On to it:

Yesterday, to celebrate Memorial Day, I played golf. I shot a 40 on the front nine at Tenison Highlands. Pretty good little start to the day. But after that, everything went to hell. I shot a 48 on the back nine and then used a digital image of my scorecard to try to pick a Twitter fight with Ed Bark because the day previous he'd declared that Jordan Spieth had finished the Dean & DeLuca Invitational with the best three-hole stretch of his career, which was patently ridiculous. But Bark is a Marine Corps vet. I shouldn't have been hassling him on Twitter. After my round, I went back to the house and threw out my back while cleaning my gutters. Karma. Plus, I had a reaction, I think, to all the catkins in the gutters and started feeling sick. Then, while my wife went to have dinner with a bunch of our friends, I had to stay home and watch The Real Housewives of Dallas. Episode 8 was titled "Hollman Holiday." It did not cheer me up.

For the past week, my family and I haven't been able to live in our house, which was, as you know from my Episode 3 recap, flooded by a burst washing machine supply hose. We moved back in yesterday, and what should I find waiting in the mailbox? Our new property appraisal, up by a shockingly unfair amount. Not your problem! All you want is your recap. A friend of mine gave birth last night. I was texting her husband during her labor, seeing if Mom was doing okay. "She's fine," he said, "and she's anxiously awaiting your Real Housewives of Dallas recap tomorrow." It's more important than childbirth! So let's tackle Episode 4, "Mouth of the South."

Nothing too bad, so far.