Kevin Marple

Trends

Avocado Froyo Must Die

First it came for our toast. Now this. It’s time to make a stand.

You’ve seen it at yogurtland and yumilicious and every other frozen yogurt shop, hanging out with all the good flavors. It’s right there on the end, smiling at you like it belongs among the strawberry cheesecake and the chocolate milkshake. It is avocado froyo.

There’s enough self-hate as it is that comes from walking into a froyo place instead of going to get actual legitimate ice cream. We’re all doing our best to pretend that the photo of a cinnamon roll is exactly what this cinnamon roll frozen yogurt is going to taste like as it slowly oozes out of the yogurt machine. Don’t fart on my taste buds even more by trying to sell me on the health benefits of using avocado as a base for my gummy bears.

Because here’s the thing: you know what avocado truly is a great base for? Guacamole. It’s actually great for that. You should try it. It’s revolutionary. Wars have ended over people agreeing that guacamole is amazing, and that’s all thanks to avocados. And if you told me I could substitute yogurt for avocado as a base for guacamole, I would be just as angry.

“Avocado is actually a great fat substitute,” they’ll tell you next. “It doesn’t even taste like anything,” they’ll say.

“Oh, so avocado froyo is dairy-free?” you’ll ask.

“Well, no. It’s not completely free of dairy,” they’ll say.

THEN WHAT THE PLAIN TART IS THE POINT, YOU GUYS? If avocado shows up to the froyo party so that a little gluten-free, dairy-free, casein-free vegan kid can get his chopped-fruit fix like the rest of us, fine. But if it’s there to challenge my palate and give me new ways to experience froyo beyond the traditional sweet flavor profile, it feels like we’re grossly underperforming here.

You wanna bring me new flavors? You wanna get creative? Go for it. This is America. But let’s leave the avocados out of it. Let’s go all Frito-Lay on this thing and really mess people up. “Yeah, can I get the Cool Ranch and Chili Cheese Fritos froyo? And then gimme some of that Flamin’ Hot Cheetos dust and I’ll take some Takis crumbles on top, too.”

If Matt McCallister served me a deconstructed BLT for dessert, I’d be just as annoyed. Avocados are for dinner; sweets are for dessert. Don’t mochi around here. I don’t want to think during dessert. I just wanna get twisted on Reese’s Pieces.

Go home, avocado froyo. You’re drunk.

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