Best & Worst

You’ve been through this a dozen times. You and a friend breeze into Fajitaville the newest must-do eatery, ready to chow down on your favorite Tei-Mex specialties. After you’ve spent 15 minutes staring at a glass of water and a salt shaker, a maddeningly haughty waitress saunters over to your table Her expression, body language and tone all send a clear message: She is not really a waitress. She’s an actress or a model or a future neurosurgeon who is just tolerating slobs like you until her real life can begin, and waiting on you is just taking her away from something much more important. You peer at the chalkboard across the room, which bears indecipherable squiggles that may be daily specials. You order. The waitress, who has been staring out the window, looks at you as if you were a bug, then curtly informs you that they’re out of shrimp fajitas. You’re getting a bit hot now, wondering why you weren’t told this 20 minutes ago, but you choke back your frustration and order, then sit back and listen to an endless Muzak version of Neil Diamond’s “Forever in Blue leans. ” The hot sauce is hot, your water glass is empty, but your waitress is gone presumably to call her stockbroker or make last-minute revisions on her novel. But wait. She’s back to ask your companion what he wanted to drink and whether you wanted the large or small Knockout Nachos. Apparently, she considers those little order pads a badge of subservience.

The food finally arrives, cold, and of course it’s awful, and you wonder why you came… why this place exists… why genetic engineering couldn’t be used to… Anyway, the lunch hour is shot. You and your friend walk out snarling. “Arrrggghh!” he says. You agree “That’s got to be the worst restaurant in Dallas. “

Believe us, we’ve been there. For nine years we’ve been scouring Dallas for the saints and sinners, losers and winners, pleasures and perils, rarities and rip-offs that make up our annual Best and Worst issue Once again, it’s time to analyze, criticize and categorize You’ll probably see some of your personal bests and worsts here, and plenty more to amuse and appall.

You cheered and jeered during the past year. Enjoyed and endured. So did we And we remembered.

ADDITION TO THE SKYLINE

Best: InterFirst Plaza by night. The green argon piping is two miles of dazzling, distinct, futuristic, controversial green. We like it.

Worst: InterFirst Plaza by day. Seventy-two stories of uninterrupted yawn.

WEDDING BELL BLUES

Best: For those of you who haven’t caught wind of this rapidly circulating rumor, the scene was a formal wedding ceremony in a certain Highland Park church. Just before she was to say “I do. ” the bride turned to the large congregation to thank her friends for coming, to thank her out-of-town guests for coming, to thank her mother and father for all they had done for her and so on. She then turned toward her long line of bridesmaids and thanked her maid of honor-for sleeping with her fiance the night before. The only sound heard as she calmly walked out of the church was the rustle of her dress.

Worst: Herb Gilles, a groom-to-be, and 14 other friends ate chicken fajitas at On the Border the night before his wedding. Eleven got sick, including two of his groomsmen. Despite the fever and chills, he got married as scheduled-but said his honeymoon wasn’t as eventful as he had hoped.

MARGARITA

Best: Rio Grande Grill. 5111 Greenville Avenue. And they’re easy to get to thanks to the free valet parking, which is actually less a luxury than a necessity given Rio Grande’s proximity to the overflowing Acapulco Bar and Grill and its own rude parking lot guards.

Second best: Juanita’s in Sundance Square, Fort Worth.

Worst: Snuffer’s, 3526 Greenville Avenue. Sorry, because we love this place. But the margaritas taste watery, like grocery-store mixes,

CHEESECAKE

Best: Praline cheesecake at Le Panier, 3404 Rankin. Who cares about cavities? It’s sweet, it’s delicious, it melts in your mouth.



SCALPING

Bad: Greedy scalpers paid an army of street people to await the sale of Springsteen tickets.

Worse: Two men with scissors grabbed a Lancaster woman outside her apartment and restrained her while they cut her hair off. According to the police report, one of the men told the 24-year-old woman, “You don’t deserve to have any hair. “



USED BOOK DEALER

Best, quality: Booked Up, 2611 Worthington.

Best, quantity: Half Price Books, multiple locations. Main store at 5526 E. Mockingbird Lane.

PROPOSITION

Bad: A former Southern California mortgage banker who says he is a reincarnation of a pharoah came to Fort Worth to develop financing for a full-service pyramid community, “Valley of the Kings, ” where people would live and work in a Utopian environment. He sees 25. 000 people living in condos in one pyramid and working in offices in another.

Worse: More than a half-dozen Dallas men can attest to the effectiveness of the age-old Mickey Finn-a cocktail spiked with a knockout drug. Each succumbed to drinks doctored by female companions they took home (or somewhere) from local high-class bars. When the men awoke, their lust objects were missing-along with their money, jewelry and other valuables.



SUNSET WATCHING

Best: Mockingbird Lane at Buckner Boulevard.

Second Best: Willow Bend Polo and Hunt Club, 5801 West Park Blvd.

GESTURE OF GRATITUDE

Bad: Upon her retirement. Merle, _ Wallace, a 20-year employee of RepublicBank Carrollton, was given the typewriter and calculator she had used every day of her two-decade tenure with the bank. C’mon guys, what about her coffee cup?

Worse: On a hot day last summer, a grocery clerk, Phillip Wool-ridge, smashed a car window to rescue a five-month-old baby locked in a car with its windows rolled up. The mother, Deborah Gorney. returned 25 minutes later with an extra set of keys and demanded that the clerk either pay for the damages to the car or she’d sue.

SESQUI SECOND

Best: Don Dorsey. executive director of the Greater Dallas Sesquicentennial Committee, announced that he had planned a New Year’s part) in downtown Dallas to celebrate the very first second of the Sesquicentennial year. The remaining 31. 535, 999 seconds may be anticlimactic.

SERVICE

Best: Marty’s, 3316 Oak Lawn. Efficient and friendly. Given the potential for attitude at this trendy and popular gourmet carry-out and wine seller, Marty’s manners are exemplary.

Worst It’s tie: For spacey and rude: Prospect Grill. 2100 Greenville Avenue. Unless you have orange hair and black clothes, most of the waiters and waitresses treat you as if you are an unexpected inconvenience, and for just plain rude: Di Palma, 1520 Lower Greenville Avenue. Most everyone here treats you as if you are an undeserving inconvenience.



NEW ORLEANS IMPORT

Best: Muf’faletta sandwich-a circular wonder stacked with ham. Genoa salami, mozzarella. provolone. Swiss cheese and olive salad dressing. Crescent City Coffee Shop. 10819 Garland Rd.

Worst: Blackened everything. Paul Prudhomme’s famous redfish is wonderful, and many of Dallas’ own variations are too. but enough already. We know food is often fashion, but basic black doesn’t go with everything.

DISAPPEARING ACT

Best: Harry Eugene “Oilcan” Harrison, upon being found guilty of auto theft, fled from a Dallas County courtroom, jumped on a city bus and “disappeared. Authorities caught up with him in an Amarillo condominium, where he eluded them again by jumping out of a second-story window.

Worse: Joanne Przyborowski was tooling along Lakeland Drive when what looked like a plain old pothole turned out to be a six-foot-deep hole in the street, caused by a broken water main. The gaping crevice swallowed most of her car.

Worst: A man facing 15 criminal charges tried to find his shortcut to freedom by climbing into a false ceiling at the downtown Dallas police station. He took a wrong turn and wound up dangling above a roomful of detectives.



POWER BREAKFASTS

Best: The Garden Court at the Melrose. Café Chablis at the Registry and the Mansion.

EXCUSES, EXCUSES

Good: A man stopped for speeding told an Arlington police officer that his wife was about to get pregnant and he wanted to be there.

Almost as good: A Houston man who was accused of passing more than $1 million in counterfeit checks claimed in an insanity defense before a Dallas federal jury that he was a Confederate general who committed the acts because voices in his head told him to.

Best: A San Antonio man stopped by Dallas police in a $45, 000 truck and trailer rig that had been reported as stolen claimed that he had traded a bicycle for it. Sure, and he swapped three Mickey Mantles for his Rolex.

MAMMOTH

Best: While excavating for a downtown construction site at 2700 Ross Avenue, worker Slick Sell’ unearthed the remains of a woolly mammoth that had occupied the site some 10. 000 to 200, 000 years ago.

Bad: lnfomart. Come on, guys. Architecture can’t be handled like theme restaurants. These things last.

Wont: James Michener’s latest trillion-seller, Texas. It’s sad to think how many forests died to give us this boring 1,096 page behemoth.

MILLER TIME?

Worst: A six-year veteran paramedic was fired in February after stopping tor a shift change while en route with a heart patient to Parkland Hospital. After the stop, the 57-year-old patient suffered cardiac arrest and was later comatose at Parkland.



FLY TIME DJ

Best: Tom Joyner of K104, who does his show in the morning, then flies to Chicago for his evening show on WGCI.

YOU’LL KNOW THEM BY THEIR BIG LOOP EARRINGS

Best: Two alleged gypsies were arrested in a burglary attempt in Highland Park, where police cautioned residents to keep their doors locked to gypsies who might wander by and ask to use the phone or for a drink of water. Gypsies, warned one cop, “prey on old people who might have trouble identifying them. “

ETHICAL BEHAVIOR

Best: In January, SMU hired William F. May, a nationally distinguished commentator on moral behavior, as a full-time ethicist. No word yet of special classes for SMU football players and alumni.

Worst: While involved in a lengthy trial that could have cost him and his company thousands of dollars in civil damages. Robert Blake McCallum and an associate happened upon one of the jurors at TGI Friday’s. McCallum and his friend invited the female juror and her companions to a local private club, where he bought the women several bottles of Dom Perignon champagne.



GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

The 50-year-old Esquire Theatre on Oak Lawn Avenue Kip’s Big Boy on Mockingbird Lane

Buddy Bell

THE CHECKS IN THE MAIL

Bad: Merchants along lower Greenville Avenue used the second-oldest trick in the book by sending the city a worthless payment for city services during the past year’s Mayfest. Now Mayfest and the St. Patrick’s Day celebration along Lower Greenville may be no more. Pity.

Worse: Dallas businessman Jim R. Green was convicted on charges of theft for a $3. 2 million check-kiting scheme between Lincoln Center Bank and MBank (which later acquired Lincoln). Green told the judge. “I don’t believe I broke the law knowingly. “

OOPS

While placing a suspect under arrest. Arlington police officer Tom Remediz. accidentally shot himself in the rear with the suspect’s gun. Talk about grace under fire. Remediz continued to read the guy his rights until help arrived.



Rumor has it that after construction of the gargantuan Crescent complex near downtown had begun, one of its architects admitted that even he didn’t realize it would be that big.



On May 20, 1985, the Times Herald ran a full-page story chronicling horse-racing’s middle leg of the Triple Crown, the Preakness. A chart was offered alongside detailing the odds and payoffs. The only problem was, the chart showed statistics from the year before.



“Dallas City” magazine published a lengthy profile of ex-Rangers manager Doug Rader- four days after he got canned. On November 30, The Dallas Morning News ran a long frontpage story, “Merchants jolly as buying season gets brisk start. ” The identical story ran in the business section, this time titled, “Shoppers imbued with holiday spirit. “



In the heat of a Fort Worth shootout, undercover officer D. D. Cortez made his way to a pay phone to call police headquarters for help. His SOS was met with a recorded message asking him to please wait. He did. for 12 minutes.



TV BROADCASTER

Best, news: Byron Harris. WFAA-TV. Channel 8. Year in. year (tut. Harris is one of those rare TV reporters whose investigations are dependable and detailed.

Best, sports: Vern Lundquist. Paired with Terry Bradshaw for CBS pro football. Lundquist makes even Bradshaw look good under sometimes trying circumstances.



SOUP

Best: Tortilla soup at the Mansion on Turtle Creek.

Worst: The insufferable shrimp soup at La Pagode. 4302 Bryan St. Made with small frozen shrimp, too much red pepper and pineapple.

TAKEOUT CHICKEN

Best: The roast chicken with fennel and oregano at Rich Chicks, Preston Royal Shopping Center.

A BIRD IN THE HAND

Worst: On a bleak February morning, Nancy Prather of Grand Prairie opened her front door to find one of her two plastic flamingos, with its beak taped shut, bearing a ransom note demanding $1. 50 to be left in a specified dumpster “if you ever want to sec your other flamingo again. ” Prather carried out the ransom demand, but in vain. No word on the bird.



THEATER SEATS

Best: At Prestonwood 5 at the Prestonwood Town Center, one of the five theaters, the “Bijou. ” which runs art films, has cup holders on the arms of the chairs.

Worst: Any in the back half of the balcony at the Fair Park Music Hall. Even shows as big as La Cage aux Folles are but lively blurs. Add the notoriously poor acoustics and you’ve got a faint echo of the original cast album. at about twice the cost.



BLUFF JOB

Bad: In an apparent contract dispute, Channel 8 ex-news anchor Iola Johnson hinted that she was being courted by the national networks. Well. Maria Shriver is still on the air, and where’s Iola? Last we heard, she planned to open a clothing boutique in Denton.

Worse: On April Fool’s Day. a woman called police after seeing (she thought) a man attack another man in the bushes next to her apartment. The battle turned out to be faked for April Foot’s, but police weren’t laughing. One of the men was arrested and charged with false report, a third-degree felony.

GIMMICK

Best: George Kipriotis dances with a table between his teeth at Kosta’s Restaurant and Taverna, 2755 Bachman Drive.

Worst: A fun-loving waiter at Bennigan’s restaurant in Addison livened things up one night by throwing a cream pie in the face of a patron. The woman, who said she received a broken nose and developed allergies to the nasal tract, is suing. “If they’re going to throw pies, ” said the woman’s attorney, “then they ought to know how to do it. “



TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR

Best: In case you missed it, Channel 4 News anchor Steve Bosh landed his first acting job. playing, guess what, a news anchor in Desperately Seeking Susan. (And we thought he was acting all along.

Worst: We know you missed this one. Realtor-socialite Twinkle Bayoud took up acting, or at least took acting lessons. And last fall. Twinkle sent the casting director of True Stories-David (Talking Heads) Byrne’s film- an extravagant flora! arrangement with a note saying she hoped to be working on the movie. She didn’t make it.

EXAMPLE OF “MANSTER” SALARY

Best: When Randy White has smashed his last quarterback for the Cowboys, he won’t have to work as a security guard to make ends meet. He’s on the payroll into the second decade of the next century. His current five-year contract will pay him close to $9 million, covering the years until 1993. The Cowboys will pay White $6. 4 million from 1993 to 2012. We think he’s overpaid and we’ll tell him to his face-as long as the rest of him is sealed in concrete.



SLICE OF LIFE

Worst: From the Mixed Metaphor department, this headline ran in the Dallas Times Herald: “NBA Hopeful Hones his Dream. ” Hope the guy doesn’t cut himself.

ANSWERS TO HOW BAD WERE THE RANGERS THIS SEASON? JOKES

Strike one: So bad that they lost to their own Class AA farm club.

Strike two: So bad that former manager Doug Rader, fired early in the season, suggested that a psychiatrist/hypnotist work with the players to improve their hitting.

Strike three: So bad that Dallas City Councilman Bill Milkie proposed that the city build a domed stadium south of downtown for a brand new major league team.

MULTIPLE REINCARNATION

Worst: 4515 Travis Street, just south of Knox Street, in the past year housed Nostromo, then Joe’s and now- wait, we’ll call and check-yeah, it’s the River Cafe. At least at press time. Is the building jinxed?

PASTA TO-GO

Best: Tommaso’s. If you’ve been enjoying this local pasta purveyor’s array of fresh delights in the supermarkets, you’ll love the three new stores where the basic pastas (such as linguini, fettuccine and angel hair pasta) are cut from large sheets of dough while you wait. In addition to the wide selection of you-cook-it pastas, the store offers other delicious, inventive Italian options that are ready to eat. 5365 Spring Valley Rd.. 3034 Mockingbird Lane and LTV Center, ground floor.



SPORT

Bad: Berkner High School’s baseball coach. Dwaine Benedict, was suspended for the season by the University Interscholastic League after testimony revealed that the coach and many of the players on his team attacked an umpire, knocked him to the ground, broke his leg and pounded him with their fists.

Worse: Ex-Rangers pitcher Dave Stewart was busted in Los Angeles on a misdemeanor sex charge after he picked up a “girl” who turned out to be a transvestite. (Stewart always had trouble with switch hitters. ) A few days later. Stewart was given the Rangers’ annual Good Guy award.

PARKING

Best: You want a best parking in this city? Okay, try Best Parking at Love Field, $5 a day with continuous free shuttle service to the terminals.

Worst: Pick ’em: The San Francisco Rose, 3024 Greenville, or Caulfield’s. 2900 Greenville, or, for that matter, almost anywhere on Lower Greenville.



REASON FOR A TRAFFIC JAM

Best: During rush hour one fine spring morning on LBJ Freeway, a 24-year-old Houston woman ran nude through the east-bound lanes.

Almost as good: Just before last spring’s elections, Max Goldblatt slowed traffic on Central from a crawl to a stop by waving a campaign sign touting his ridiculous obsession, the monorail. The sign read: “Max says you could be home by now. ” Max is home now.

CULTIVATION OF POLICE IMAGE

Best: Dallas County Sheriff Jim Bowles, acknowledging that he’s not quite up to the image of, say. John Wayne, began taking horseback riding lessons and bought himself a pair of cowboy boots. Good, Jim. Are they tax-deductible?

Worst: When Dallas Police Chief Billy Prince decided to tone down the cowboy image on his force, he met with some opposition. Said one disgruntled employee. “If I come into work with a snake-head fang hanging off my hat, they should deal with me but not ruin it for the whole force. “



CULTIVATION OF PUBLIC IMAGE

Worst: Dallas Mayor Starke Taylor, answering a questionnaire printed in The Dallas Morning News’ “High Profile” section, listed his favorite magazine as-no, not Commentary; not The American Scholar, but Golf Digest.



ALFRESCO DINING

Best: Dakota’s, 600 N. Akard. Hidden below the urban mayhem, you’re serenaded by cascading water.

Worst: Jake’s Burgers and Beers, 6606 Skillman at Abrams. Deafened by roaring traffic, you’re choked by exhaust fumes.

PROOF THAT ROCK’N’ROLL ADDLES THE BRAIN

Best; Several concert-goers at the Texxas Jam at the Cotton Bowl in August allowed “valets” to park their cars in the shade for S25. Neither the cars nor the cash have been seen since.



CRUSADE TO WIPE OUT IMMORALITY

Most interesting: A Mesquite builder, believing that “people who do not smoke or drink probably are of a higher moral level, ” refuses to sell his condominiums to sinners who might smoke or drink outside the unit. What they do inside, for now. is their own business.

Worst: At a Labor Day rally in Dallas featuring Jerry Falwell, where thousands protested the sale of skin magazines in 7-Eleven’s. protesters carried signs that read, “Pray, Boy, not Playboy. ” and “Who You Gonna Call? Porno Busters. “

CAFFEINE FIX

Best: The iced coffee with condensed milk at Mai’s Vietnamese Restaurant, 4812 Bryan St. Strong enough to wake the dead, sweet enough to be dessert.

Worst :A tie. The house blend a! Coco’s on Mockingbird and the house blend at D magazine.



PLACE TO GET A GODZILLA CIGARETTE LIGHTER

Best: Modern Toys, 4524 Cole, stocks Japanese film monsters in forms never dreamt of by the Western mind. Godzilla reigns here as a 2-foot plastic fiend or a cuddly toy that roars on command. Miniature Godzillas in cheerleader, sailor or Fifties rock ’n” roll costumes breathe fire when rolled briskly across the counter. Ultraman, Rodan and Zoids call this place home, too. Ask to see the complete menu of wind-up sushi. Wonder what happens when the lights go out.

WAY TO WEED OUT THE UNDESIRABLES

Best: A proposal to print “Wildflower State” on Texas auto license plates starting in 1987 was squashed by 57 state lawmakers who complained that the slogan did not accurately portray Texas. “The idea wasn’t macho enough, ” explained one. “The mindset was that cowboys who pick wildflowers arc sissies. “

Worst: Democratic state representative Alex Short Jr. sent 30 workers with tractors and bulldozers to uproot the underbrush at a roadside rest stop near Texarkana where gay rendezvous had been reported. “We’re getting the highway department to weed the pansies out of the place, in a manner of speaking, ” Short said. Of course.

ARGUMENT FOR USING A CALCULATOR

Best: Gib Lewis. Speaker of the Texas House of Representatives, when asked about the future of parimutuel horse racing in Texas, said in 1985, “I’ve been polling my district every year for the last 10 years. And it was a tie the first time in 1973. “

RESTROOMS

Naughty: Dick’s Last Resort. 1701 N. Market. Vending machines in the men’s room transcend the obvious, but it’s the women’s room with the most flavorful surprises. Ladies!

Nice: The restaurant at the University Club, Galleria. Again the girls clean up. Each stall is complete with sink, mirror and toiletries. As in the men’s room, the sinks are marble and the fixtures brass. Pity these privies are private-as in “members only. “

VALET PARKING

Most expensive: Neiman Marcus, downtown, at $8. 50.

Most conciliat: For events at Reunion Arena, valet park at the Hyatt. Close, convenient and $4. 50.

APPETIZER

Best: The artichoke squares at Andrews, four locations.

Worst: Fuddrucker’s display case of sides of beef hanging by meat hooks. Why don’t they have us kill our own cow?

PLAYING TO THE LOCAL BEAT

Best: Mean, lean, androgynous rock star Grace Jones not only performs now and again at the Starck Club, she”s a co-owner. What’s more, Jones’ little brother Randy plays basketball for SMU.

Worst: David Crosby, of Crosby, Stilts and Nash, who was convicted of possessing cocaine and an illegal weapon at a North Dallas nightclub three years ago, spent eight weeks in a Dallas County jail after violating his parole. Complained Crosby about his jail stay, “It’s not as if 1 were someone who didn’t have something to do. I can play music and make people happy. “

SCULPTURE ON THE MOO-VE

Best: The eight wooden cows grazing in front of the Be!o mansion on Ross Avenue. Part of a 3-month around-town display of sculpture (which included a 15-foot pair of Ray Bans in front of San Jacinto Tower), the benign bevos gave our so-sane downtown the slightly mad edge it needed, if only for a while. The urban herd has since been separated; none could be reached for comment.



VIDEO RENTAL STORE

Best: Sound Warehouse. The selection of tapes is large and varied, the rates are reasonable, the mechanics of the rental are easy and Sound Warehouses stay open later than most other video rental stores.

DRIVE-TIME DUO

Best: It always gets us in trouble, but we’ll go out on a limb: We like the drive-time duo of Dennis Anderson and Ken Baker at KRQX. They really know music-an increasingly rare trait in a jovk-and they know when to shut up.

Worst: Stevens and Pruett. KEGL. They don’t even know the meaning of shut up. They do know a host of junior high bathroom jokes and bigoted slurs. Their fans probably read Easy Rider magazine.



BUST

Best: Larry Dwight Williams and Edward James Watson were arrested after they tried to sell four boxes of bricks disguised as vidéocassette recorders. And you thought Ingmar Bergman was heavy.

Worst: In a six-month undercover operation that resulted in 16 arrests, officers of the Dallas Police Department wagered S300. 000 on football games. Let”s get those jaywalkers, too.

DOUBLE TALK

After an attack by Lori Palmer at a Dallas Press Club address, opponent Paul Fielding responded thusly to a reporter who asked whether or not he is gay: “From time to time, I’m happy. This is not one of those times. ’”

When Oak Lawn residents complained about a 90-foot hole left at the corner of Lemmon and Cole after construction of an “indoor country club” was halted mid-dig, developer Larry Lassiter retorted, “It isn’t a hole; it*s a construction site. “



Like any concerned citizen, Rita Smith reported the need for street sign repairs at the intersection of Inwood and Northaven roads to the proper officials at the City of Dallas. She got two responses, both bearing the same date: one advising that a work order had been written, and the other informing her that since traffic technicians found no problem at the location, no action would be taken.



EXAMPLE OF LOOKING FOR A LOST RING UNDER THE STREET LIGHT A BLOCK AWAY FROM WHERE YOU LOST IT “BECAUSE THE LIGHT IS BETTER”

Best: When the Fort Worth Star Telegram ran a story about the possible misuse of electricity customers’ money by the operator of a park in Granbury. the Texas Utilities Electric Co. spent almost two months auditing records. The records it examined, however, were from 1984, nut 1981. when the alleged irregularities occurred. A spokesman for the Public Utilities Commission, which was monitoring the auditing effort, explained that the ’84 records were “in much better shape. “

HOT DOG

Best: Fuddrucker’s. 2614 McKinney and 1520 NorthPark Center. Frankly speaking, the grilled, fresh-baked bun takes Fuddrucker’s oversized dog into the realm of the sublime.



LINGERIE

Best, expensive and tasteful: Victoria’s Secret, Galleria. Prestonwood and Valley View malls.

Best, cheap and trashy: Spotlite Lingerie. 4502 N. Central Expwy.

HOLY ROLLING

Best: Providing a pit stop on the highway to heaven for his fellow truckers. Bob Lauderdale opened up a chapel at the Mesquite Truckstop of America. His service is even broadcast over the CB. Says Lauderdale: “We think that a driver right with the Lord will be a safer driver, a good husband and a better worker. “

Worst: Ward Truman Jones’ private company attempted to win millions of lost souls for Jesus Christ through the use of his motivational tapes. His sales pitch said that while developing spiritually, you could also increase your income. Jones also claimed that Jesus is the elected CEO of his company. Jones’ plan had the earmarks of a classic pyramid scheme: not surprisingly, his operation-or perhaps His operation-was investigated by the state attorney general’s office.

ENLIGHTENED FEMINIST THINKING

So bad it’s good: Jerry Hall, the Mesquite-born model who became Mick Jagger’s live-in partner, said her mother gave her three secrets never to forget. “She said to be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. As long as I have a maid and a cook. I can do the rest myself. You know there is only so much you can do in one day. “

Just plain bad: The female lawyer whose sexual harassment charges led to the indictment of former state Dist. Judge Dee Brown Walker later had a change of heart. She said she didn’t think Walker should have been charged with a criminal offense because “if you put everybody in jail who makes a pass at you, they’d have to build a jail on every corner. “



DIAMOND IN THE…

Worst: A man who stole a $10, 000 gem from Euless Gold and Silver Exchange swallowed it before police could get to him. No problem-doctors hastened its recovery by giving the man a laxative. Police set up a bed pan inside the criminal investigation office and patiently awaited the jewel.



WHAT’S IN A NAME?

Best: The Wyndham Hotel counts among its employees Mike Profit, vice-president of finance. and Ken Belman who… well, you know the rest.



WHILE MILLIONS STARVE…

In case you were worrying. Highland Park officials have a computerized inventory of the town’s estimated 20, 000 trees on public property. Now, at the flick of a switch. HP tree watchers can determine the location and species of any tree in town. ’‧[It’s] ideal to help us keep up with what trees need to be repaired or replaced, ” said the town’s Parks and Recreation director, Ronnie Brown.

Dallas builder L. G. Mosley has built what must be the most expensive home built on speculation in the country-a S4. 9 million European-style mansion, replete with 33 chandeliers and 14 bathrooms.

TOPLESS DANCER

Best: Ashley, a 24-year-old Fort Worth native who dances at The Fare on Greenville Avenue. Good looks, good moves, goodness gracious!



PIZZA

Best new arrival: Piggy Pies. 3611 Greenville Ave. and 205 Josey Square.

Best unnatural: Dallas Upper Crust. Ours had jalapenos on it. (Upper Crust also has one of the best basic pizzas in town. )

Best deluxe: Massimo da Milano. Outre without being out of bounds. 5519 Lovers Lane.

Best take it home and cook it yourself: Pizza Fresh, six locations.



ACT IN A MOMENT OF CRISIS

Best: Every tragedy spawns heroes, and D/FW Maintenance Station Manager Jerry Fenske raced to the scene of the Delta crash and pulled three badly injured victims to safety.

Worst: Every tragedy spawns scoundrels, and several local funeral directors sunk to the occasion by claiming they’d been denied their fair share of the bodies of the crash victims.



DOWNTOWN QUICK LUNCH

Best: City Market, LTV Center, mezzanine, 2001 Ross Ave. The array of salads- including marinated beef strips with red, green and golden bell peppers, chicken with cilantro, fruit with mint-keeps changing, but the killer bread pudding with white raisins and chopped apricots is a constant.

HEAR NO EVIL

State Rep. Bill Ceverha of Richardson tried to abolish the Texas Commission for the Deaf after reading in one of its newsletters that a panel discussion during a conference for the deaf was devoted to the problems of gay deaf people.

SEE NO EVIL

Dallas police said that they did not suspect foul play in the death of a woman whose decomposed body was found wrapped in a sheet and stuffed in the trunk of a car at an Oak Cliff apartment complex.

SPEAK NO EVIL

Defeated City Councilman Jim Hart blamed his toss on the media, saying that reporters had “manufactured controversy. ” All they did was report on Hart’s claim that he once shot a robber to death {later proven false), quote him as saying that “illegal aliens with no moral values” were ruining Oak Cliff and print his suggestion that criminals should be hanged on the courthouse steps. Go ahead, Jim. shoot the messenger.

THINGS THAT HAVE BROUGHT US NATIONAL PROMINENCE



Widely respected urban critic William Whyte called the Earl Cabell Federal Building on Commerce Street “the single worst downtown building in the country. “



SMU won its first National Association of College and University Business Officers Cost-Cutting Award for “Ticketrak, ” a hand-carried, computerized traffic ticket machine that, by mid-summer, had saved the university $35, 000.



The Texas public school system’s “no pass, no play” regulations, spearheaded by Dallas’ own Ross Perot, garnered praise in the national media and spawned lawsuits that may go all the way to the U. S. Supreme Court.



Vanity Fair reported that someone buys a Mercedes every three hours in Dallas.



Before it was outlawed last July, the drug of choice in Dallas was Ecstasy. (And you thought we were slow to discover cocaine. ) In fact, the city’s excessive use of the substance led some to name Dallas the Ecstasy Capital of the World.



World-renowned nightclub and furniture designer Phillipe Starck made the following observation about the United States while dining at a local restaurant: “Los Angeles is all right because it is Asia. New York is all right because it is Europe. Everything in between is shit. ” Including, we presume, Mr. Starck’s namesake nightclub downtown,

CENTRAL EXPRESSWAY RAMPS

Best entrance ramp: Southbound Yale. Central turns into three lanes with the entrance lane protected from traffic already on the freeway.

Worst entrance ramp: Southbound Haskell.

Best exit ramp: There isn’t one.

Worst exit ramp: Northwest Highway westbound.



FUN FACT

Worst: Measured by conventional standards. Central Expressway’s official rush hours are 6 a. m. to 9 p. m. seven days a week.

LITTLE-KNOWN BAR

Best: Court Five, in a maze of apartments at 7108 Holly Hill.



ACT OF PRESERVATION

Best: Charlie Hough, the Rangers’ ageless knuckleballer. was again the team’s most dependable pitcher. He’s the only thing about the team that’s getting better with age.

Worst: The following caption accompanied a photograph that ran in the Dallas Times Herald: ’Arthur Temple is shown with his mother, Katherine, who died six months ago. “

ABUSE

Worst: After visiting Dallas in September, Raymond L. Flynn, the mayor of Boston, flew on to San Francisco where he proceeded to lambast our fair city as “the lowest of the low. ” Flynn was quoted in the San Francisco Chronicle as saying, “The only people you see on the streets are the poor blacks cleaning the horrible buildings. “

Even worse: In November, the Cowboys suffered their worst loss in the team’s history. They were clawed to death by the Chicago Bears, 44-zip.



SELECTION OF GOOD. INEXPENSIVE WINE

Best: Bluebonnet Natural Foods Grocery. Greenville and Belmont. Bluebonnet lured Arch Cockerell away from Marty’s to oversee its wine department, and the results are a tightwad Yuppie’s dream.

LOCALLY PRODUCED COMMERCIAL

Best: Tannebring/Rose Associates’ television commercial advertising sportswriter Blackie Sherrod’s move from the Dallas Times Herald to The Dallas Morning News. Busy typing at his desk, tie blowing in the wind, Sherrod was shown whizzing down the streets of Dallas en route to his new post, never missing a stroke.

Second best: The Tracy Locke-produced Tostitos corn chip series that put to clever use old clips from such television classics as “Leave It To Beaver, ” “Dragnet” and “Mr. Ed. “



DIRTY POLITICS

Worst: Councilman Jerry Rucker spent weeks trying to get the City Council to lobby for an end to all federal ozone penalties, which mandate that new industries not be located in Dallas County until the pollution of existing industries is reduced. Just what we need, Jerry: more growth, more traffic and more air pollution.

NO PARTNERS IN CRIME

Best: The Dallas Police Department found a cache of 148 new shoes in a parking lot near Fair Park. In the assortment, which was believed stolen, there was not a single matching pair.

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE

Best: Mrs. Field’s, six locations. Don’t argue: Her bittersweet chocolate/macadamia are the last word in chocolate chip cookies.



SHOE SHINE

Good: The handsome shine from Classic Car Wash; $3 for women. $3. 50 for men. 6815 Preston Road. Your shoes look better than your car.

Most considerate: LTV Corp. offered complimentary shoe shines while the finishing touches of the new LTV Center were being applied and the dust was still flying.

Best: The Melrose Hotel gives a great shine, and it’s free, even to non-guests.

THING TO HAPPEN TO LATE NIGHT BROWSING

Best: Bookstop. 5400 E. Mockingbird and 820 Preston Forest Shopping Center. Just the ticket if you develop a sudden need for a discounted copy of The Golden Bowl at 10: 53 p. m.



MANICURE

Best: Susie at Sima Coiffure, 7517 Campbell Rd. Miraculous results in 30 minutes or less for $10.



REASON TO TURN ON THE RADIO ON SATURDAY NIGHT

Best: Niteman on KNON from 9 p. m. to midnight. Offbeat musical fare from the brightest, most knowledgeable DJ in town.

CLASS ACT

Best: When a fire broke out at the Mansion early one February morning, room service didn’t disappoint: Waiters served coffee and pastries on fine china to firefighters and guests in the parking lot. When asked if any of the guests were caught in their pajamas, public relations director Julia Sweeney said, “Oh, no. The hotel provides robes for all the customers. “

Worst: A group of Kimball High students provoked two arrests and the shock and disdain of an Oak Cliff neighborhood last November when they harassed and abused several girls as they were walking to the lunch room. Is the Legion of Doom contagious?

Why Wont This Man Eat An Issue OF D?

KVIL DJ Ron Chapman seems to have it in tor us. When D debuted in 1974, he told his drive-time audience he’d eat a copy of the magazine if we made it to our 12th issue. But that was 132 issues ago and Ron still hasn’t made good on his claim. How do you want it cooked. Ron?



PERFORMANCE BY UNDERGRADS

Best: Wes Morris of Mesquite completed his 12 years of school without missing a day. Once, when his mother wrecked the car while taking him to school, the boy flagged down a ride to get to class on time. Second best Nine students from J. J. Pearce High School in Richardson edged out the students from Beverly Hills High School in Los Angeles to win the national Academic Decathlon for the second consecutive year.

Worst: Two 14-year-old eighth graders at Seagoville Middle School brought a vial of strychnine to school. After being caught, they admitted to police that they planned to use it to poison the principal. The principal, Louis Moore, said. “I did not feel I was under any great threat. They would have a problem getting to my sack lunch. “

MARK OF A REAL TEXAN

Best: A large western belt buckle, won by a Dallas police vice squad sergeant in a rodeo, deflected a. 45 caliber slug and probably saved the officer’s life.

Worst At a stop light on Audelia Road, a BMW driven by Mrs. Pat Snow and bearing New York license plates was shot at by the driver of another car, who, according to police, yelled, “Why don’t you take that damned car back to New York where you came from?”



Today/Entertainment

VISION OF GREEN DEUR

Best: The day the Morning News rati John Anders’ column blasting the green argon-lit InterFirst Plaza, the whole first page of the “Today” section mysteriously carried a faint green tint, apparently seeping from an unrelated photograph.

Worst: Former health inspector Kenneth Chriss may see the inside of the pen for his alleged solicitation of a bribe from the proprietor of Brownie’s Restaurant. Chriss was caught green-handed with two crisp $100 bills, an act preserved for posterity on a police tape recording.

STORIES FROM THE NAKED CITY

A 34-year-old woman was strip-searched by the Richardson Police Department after she was arrested-for failure to license the family dog.



During last spring’s tornado that damaged several buildings on Greenville Avenue and toppled Centennial Liquor’s neon cowboy, the folks at The Fare, a strip joint in the storm’s path, lit candles and held flashlight-Flashdance talent contests on the stage. The girls did put on their clothes when the heat went off.



Mary Crider of Fort Worth, who posed nude for last January’s issue of Playboy, announced at an autograph signing party that she aspired to a career in acting, but that if that didn’t work out, she would sell confetti.



When a would-be hotel guest appeared at the Anatole Hotel sans attire, the desk clerk refused to rent him a room because “he had no baggage. “



Dallas street prostitutes have returned to Harry Hines Boulevard, long known as the premier pick-up strip for streetwalkers-and they’re bolder than ever. According to the manager of Mattress Discounters on Harry Hines, the ladies often approach customers carrying mattresses to their cars, yelling, “Hey, baby, you want to try that out?”

PLACE TO SEE DALLAS

Best: Antares and Top of the Dome. The restaurant and bar atop Reunion Tower have been remodeled, and from behind the frantic lights of “the ball” you get a relaxing view of the city, which has had some remodeling of its own since your last visit to Reunion when you took the ou t-of-towners.

TEXAS WINE

Best: Pheasant Ridge Chardonnay, winner of the 1985 best-of-show prize in the Lone Star State Wine Competition.

Worst: Chateau Texas Muscadine may be a great example of Muscadine, but who would want to drink [he stuff in the first place? The taste is akin to that of fusel oil.

GRILLED CHEESE

Best: Theo’s Diner, 111 S. Hall St. The ultimate grilled cheese thrill, accompanied by peerless fries and plot summaries of “All My Children” by the proprietress.



FREE PUBLICITY

Best: The March 13 edition of The Dallas Morning News featured a photograph and lengthy article on a dental assistant moonlighting as the Tooth Fairy. Carrying a five-foot toothbrush and wearing a blue chiffon crown adorned with feathers and pearls, the Fairy will visit a child who has lost a tooth and present the youngster with a shiny quarter-all for $35. The story even reported the Tooth Fairy’s phone number.

Worst: Unfortunately, the News’ story on the Tooth Fairy mistakenly listed the phone number of a real estate broker, who, besieged with calls, was forced to tape the following message on his recorder: “I am not the Tooth Fairy. If you are looking to buy or sell land, fine, call me. If you are looking for dental work, call 696-6004. “



DOWNTOWN AFTER-WORK BAR

Best: The Palm. Loud and rowdy and a lot of fun, it’s a white-collar Miller time commercial. 701 Ross Ave.

ZONING DECISION

Worst: The one that allowed Fletcher’s Corny Dogs to build a stand on a postage stamp-size piece of property on Greenville south of Park Lane. The line of cars at lunch backs into Greenville and traffic backs up with it. The dogs are great, but this is ridiculous.

DON’T LET YOUR BABIES GROW UP TO BE POLITICIANS

City Council members Jim Richards. Dean Vanderbilt and Craig Holcomb donned plastic beaks after mayoral candidate Max Goldblatt called them “bird brains” for supporting his rival. Starke Taylor.



Dallas City Council candidate Jim Tyson called his opponent, John Evans, a “compulsive liar” and a “chicken doctor, ” a reference to Evans’ former poultry feed business. Evans wound up a mechanical kangaroo and watched it do flip-flops as he accused Tyson of waffling on the issues.



Two candidates who failed in their races for city office-mayoral hopeful Max Goldblatt and City Council candidate James Garner-requested that the April elections be invalidated because they said many voters did not know they were to punch the space beside the name of the candidate of their choice. Duhhh…

BREAD

Best: La Madeleine. 3072 Mockingbird and 3906 Lemmon. The pain de campagne-made with half whole wheat and half white flour-is worth braving the disorganized service.



PLACE TO BROWSE

Best: Museum of Historical Documents in the Galleria. Where else can you see a check signed by Orville Wright, a baseball card autographed by Lefty Grove, a threatening letter by Jesse James to the head of Pinkerton’s Inc. (a detective agency that was hunting him down) and hundreds of other fascinating documents’? Most are for sale.

MEDIA HYPE

Worst: Channel 4’s special report, “A Growing Terror. ” gave us one more thing to worry about: “Is Dallas the Next Libya? Is Dallas becoming a center for international terrorist activity?” A large newspaper ad depicting a hooded fanatic ballyhooed the report. Yassar. that’s hype.



PROOF WERE GOING TO THE DOGS

Bad: Two neighbors in West Piano went to court to battle over the ownership of a half-poodle, half-border collie. Gary Shaw said Pumpkin belonged to him, even though the -dog wandered away a year ago to live with John Boosta down the street. The case is scheduled to be heard in small claims court. “If your child were being held some place, ” said Shaw, “I think you would have to do what you had to do to get it back. “

Worse: A Dallas woman cried “rape” on behalf of her American Kennel Club-registered basset hound, Billie, whom she said was violated by her neighbor’s dog. In the subsequent suit, the plaintiffs attorney described the perpetrator as the “neighborhood mutt”-sexually voracious and of unknown parentage.

Worst: In the category of What Can You Say, we offer this: The maximum fine for leaving a dog unattended in a car, a Class A misdemeanor, is $2, 000 and a year in jail. Leaving a child unattended in a car, a Class C charge, will cost you a maximum of $200.

PESKY LITTLE CRITTERS

Who says downtown is dull after dark? Last May, building caretakers were “attacked” by millions of moths attracted to the bright lights of the skyscrapers. Operators of LTV Center even found it necessary to offer escorts to help frightened patrons ward off the swarm. Now that’s street life.



And they play chicken in Richardson too. According to the Dallas Times Herald’s “Police Blotter, ” January 30, one Sondra D. Speake “told Richardson police that two pieces of Kentucky Fried Chicken were taken from her home. No loss estimate was given. Bom pieces were white meat, police said. “



Throngs of grackles that regularly befoul downtown plazas had Dallas Parks and Recreation Department employees Vincent Smith and Dennis Anderson working overtime-donning raincoats, clapping boards together and yelling at the birds to frighten them away. When that didn’t work, city workers dropped a protective halo of large nets over the trees.



In a special pet race at the Lakewood Love Run, which raised $5, 800 for the SPCA, participants were allowed to run with an animal of their choice. The winner, a man who jogged with his goldfish, made one little mistake: He forgot to poke air holes in his plastic baggie. The runner was disqualified; the fish died before the finish line.



On Mother’s Day, mockingbirds attacked worshipers trying to enter Holy Trinity Catholic Church on Oak Lawn Avenue. “Those birds are the sneakiest birds I ever saw, ” said one. “[One] just snuck up behind me and pulled my hair. “

FAST FAJITAS

Best: Border Stop, 3927 Lemmon Avenue. The real thing, and once clocked at 2 minutes, 13 seconds on the drive-through.



TEQUILA

Best: Tres Generaciones, the top-of-the-line tequila by Sauza, which we discovered at Cantina Laredo, 4546 Belt Line.

ITALIAN ICE CREAM

Good: Sweet Scoops, in the lobby of LTV Center. Much of their gelato and sorbetto is delicious-made on the premises, but not entirely with fresh ingredients. Rum raisin, double chocolate chip, Gianuia, cantaloupe, cassis, kiwi-this is the stuff we want, but when is someone going to go the distance? Probably next year.

WEIRD AND UNUSUAL HAPPENINGS

Best: After a pane of tinted glass fell 250 feet from the 20th floor of a downtown building the chief of security for the building blamed the mishap on the weather, saying 100-plus temperatures caused the window to expand and explode. How could they have known it gets hot here in the summertime?

Worst: A heavily intoxicated gentleman was lost in the Parkland Emergency Room tor two and a half days when he wandered into a rarely used doctors’ sleep room instead of the examining room to which he was assigned. After going through withdrawal from alcohol unattended, he emerged to ask the age-old question: “When is someone going to see me?”



WEIRD AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT

Bad: Harry Riley, a 45-year-old Dallas man, was offered a plea bargain sentence of two years in prison on a charge of possessing a half gram of cocaine. Harry decided to go for broke and let the jury decide his fate. They did: 50 years in the pen.

Worse: Charles Edward Bradford. a South Oak Cliff man. was sentenced to 25 years in prison after a jury convicted him of diverting $150 worth of electricity from a Dallas Power & Light Co. pole to his home. “Everyone took it real serious, ” said juror Volker Schiwietz of Dallas. “It was the law. “

BEST WAY TO AVOID TRAFFIC ON CENTRAL

We could up the price of the magazine if we really had an answer to that. But judging from this photo, it seems that someone found a way: Live on Central! In truth, the 77-year-old house was taking a break alongside Central en route from Highland Park to its new home in Old City Park.

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