SEX AND THE SINGLE BIRD

Swingles, take note. The eyes of Science are upon you.

Two research specialists from the University of Texas at Austin recently contacted D Magazine. ’’ We’ re writing a book on biopsychology,” the couple explained. “What makes people do what they do. We’re writing Chapter Six right now – sex behavior.” They were in Dallas, they said, to see if the sex behavior they had observed in their furry and feathered laboratory animals applied to humans as well. They wanted to study some Dallas singles bars. They needed tour guides. How could we pass it by? Our big chance to make a significant scientific contribution.

We led them to a popular swinglesville disco where they found what they were looking for. “I don’t believe this,” the female researcher whispered from her biopsychological trance. “Look,” she said breathlessly, “they’re just like the land grouse. See the females ruffling their feathers, preening. And look at the males, assembled in their clusters. Now watch them circle the dance floor, marking their territory.”

The other researcher suddenly pointed across the room. “Look, they’re mating.” In the interest of science, we craned our necks. Somehow our untrained eyes missed these bold birds. Maybe we’ll do better when we get to the bees.