The Bachelor revolutionized television by gamifying love, but why should neurotic real estate agents and twentysomething pharmaceutical reps have all the fun?
One D staffer opened up about her own experiences in using quotes from ABC’s reality TV mainstay on her unsuspecting dates. Now you can give her game a go.
• NUMBER OF PLAYERS: 1 to 5 players. The game is simple and designed to be played against any number of friends — or purely solitaire, if you prefer.
• OBJECT: To use as many quotes as possible from The Bachelor TV series during the course of a date or a predetermined number of dates.
• GAME PLAY: Below we’ve rounded up some of the most memorable sayings — ranging from the innocent to the lunatic — of the show’s 20 seasons and assigned each a point values. For each quote successfully deployed during a date, award yourself the corresponding point value. Scoring is on the honor system, excepting in the case of playing doubles during a double-date or group-date scenario. The player with the greatest number of points at the end of the date — or over the course of an agreed-upon number of dates — wins.
• STIPULATION: A player may no longer award herself or himself points if (or once) her or his date catches on. At that point, the game is ended for that player, and that player can no longer earn points.
• VARIATION: For an additional challenge, the assistance of alcohol (or any other drugs) may be banned, or all point values may be doubled for any player who refrains from their use for the entirety of the date.
These quotes are some of the more mild assertions made on the show. Therefore, you must recite them verbatim in order to gain the full point value.
- “Can I steal you for a minute?”
- “I’m kind of [a] goody two-shoes. I’m a big ol’ prude.”
- “I’m deserving, and I’m really humble.”
- “Perfection is so lame.”
- “I’m so much more complicated than anyone else here.”
- “I had to find out if you were the onesie for me.”
- “I just didn’t realize it would be this hard.”
- “We’re in Dallas, the most romantic city in the world.”
- “My/Your walls are really starting to come down.”
LETTING THEM DOWN EASY (+3 points)
Perhaps, at this point, you’ve realized that this social experiment isn’t going anywhere.
- “I think you are amazing. I’m mad at myself for the way I’ve acted since I’ve been here. This has been really rough for me. I have a lot of work to do on myself and I want to be able to offer you more. I just feel like going home might be easier, and maybe just continue working on myself, and bettering myself. Because like my tattoo says, ‘You can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself.’ And I don’t know if I truly love myself just yet. So I think it’s better that I go.” [Players are allowed to use specific sentences from this quote without using it in its entirety. Add +3 to the point value if the player uses the quote verbatim.]
- “You’re just too nice, so let’s leave you out of the picture.”
THE AWKWARD (+4 points each)
Players must recite the following quotes verbatim to gain the full point value.
- “I’m [your age]. This is my last chance to fall in love.”
- “I’ve realized I’m ready to fall in love.”
- “This process works.”
- “I’m really starting to feel something.”
- “I didn’t realize I could be in love with two things at the same time.”
- “I’m at an unfair advantage because I’ve stalked you online for the last two months.”
- “You’re the best date on the planet of history.”
- “I have zero ball-handling skills… That sounded really terrible.”
- “I’m shaking, I wish everyone could feel my insides right now.”
- “Nice to meet you. Wanna hug? Wanna make out?”
- “You don’t find me attractive? I’m too short? I have small boobs? What?”
TO SCARE THEM OFF IMMEDIATELY (+6 points each)
- “Hi, my name is ____, and I’m blonde, and I like ponies, and I am bats—t crazy.”
- “So unicorns do exist. I think I’m yours.”
- “I really don’t like group dates.”
- “People are mean to me, you know, sometimes, when, because of the way I look. You know and I mean it sounds, like, so stupid, but like, like people hate me because I’m beautiful. I mean like, no matter what, like, there is a huge prejudice and racist.” [Players are allowed to use specific sentences from this quote without using it in its entirety. Add +3 to the point value if the player uses the quote verbatim.]
- “I just love you, ____. I, like, really love you, ____. I love everything about you. It’s crazy at this point in time, but I actually do really, really love you. And I hope this resonates in your mind tonight . . . you don’t have to say anything in regards to that.” [Players are allowed to use specific sentences from this quote without using it in its entirety. Add +3 to the point value if the player uses the quote verbatim.]
THE UGLY (+8 points each)
- “Everybody here is really into, like, painting their nails. And doing each other’s hair. And that’s great, but, like, I’m just different. Like, I like reading books in my room and, you know, thinking. That’s what I do. I wanna talk… smart… things.”
- “You could plow my field any day.”
- “Do you believe in aliens?”
- “I’m just here to suck on some toes.”
- “Maybe if things go well tonight, you can pollinate it later.”
- “That girl is floating on twinkle-toes. I think she might dream in cartoons. I’m just saying, I think it’s possible.”
- “I can tell everything about a girl with her feet. I think I could find a girl that I could marry within 10 seconds just by looking at her feet.”
- “I’m more of an introvert. I’m very grounded. I’m very in tune with my body. I’m really strong, I’m really confident. I like news and politics and religion, deep intellectual things are just my jam…. From the moment I met you I knew that it was right and I’m like, I’m in love with you.” [Players are allowed to use specific sentences from this quote without using it in its entirety. Add +3 to the point value if the player uses the quote verbatim.]
FOR THE DATES GONE WRONG (+10 points each)
- “I can’t look you in the eye and tell you that I love you.”
- “You are like a toxic disease to me on this journey.”
- “I don’t think I can reciprocate those feelings. It’s just not a place I can get to … Today, I can’t give you this rose.”
- “As [your] words flow over my head I begin to think of unicorns and dancing fairies.”
- “I didn’t know it could be this hard.”
BONUS – DEEP MEDITATION ON THE MEANING OF LIFE ITSELF (+12 points each, and take a drink)
- “My lesson from this is don’t ever expect anything from humans. Just start adopting cats now.”
- “Every person you meet is like an onion. You cut them, but when you cut them… You peel them back. And what you do is you peel them back layer by layer… Seriously. Take a look at this freakin’ onion.”
(BONUS: +2 extra points for continuing the onion rant)
- “Look at this onion. Seriously, I’m not even kidding. That’s a freakin’ onion. I swear it’s an onion. Can I just please just pick it? If it’s a pomegranate, then God bless it. It is a pomegranate. It is. Wow! I feel powerful!”
DOUBLE BONUS: A Song (+50 points)
*NOTE: If you manage to pull off this song (much like this one from Season 6) with a straight face, you win everything. Double the points if you make up your own lyrics and film it.
- “When I was flying / In the helicopter / Over this amazing city / I looked to my left and never saw something / So pretty… / At the end of tonight / I’m not just your average Joe / But I hope in my hindsight / I’ll seek and find a rose. *laughs* Yeah, that’s pretty intense stuff.”
D Magazine interns Elle Carnley and Lena Ohanian contributed to this game.
