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Secret Twin Peaks Expansion Memo Revealed

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A lot of folks are less than enthusiastic about the news that Twin Peaks will open a restaurant in Mockingbird Station. Alice Laussade posed this question on Twitter: “Will Angelika still offer Cry Baby matinees, and if so, will Twin Peaks offer Twin Leaks lunch specials for breastfeeding moms?” It’s a fair question that deserves an answer.

Well, if the breastaurant’s expansion into what we all thought was an urbane setting has you riled, then wait till you read the corporate email that FrontBurner has obtained. I know a guy who knows a guy who has a cousin who, with a combination of SQL injection and social engineering, hacked into the email server of Twin Peaks’ parent company, which happens to be called Front Burner Restaurants. Have a look:

Jan 23, 3:25 PM
From: Coby Brooks
To: All Staff

Dear Colleagues: This is an exciting time for Twin Peaks. As you know, this year will see us execute an aggressive expansion plan for our restaurants. I wanted to share with everyone the thinking that went into evaluating each of the Dallas sites where we will open a restaurant in the next 12 to 24 months. Please do not share this information with any outside contacts. This is for internal purposes only.

— Mockingbird Station: This was a difficult one for us. MBS initially wanted $22 psf. We talked them down to terms we could live with. And our market research convinced us that even men who go to see Silver Linings Playbook like to look at boobs.

— Trinity Groves: Several decision makers on the management team had well-founded reservations about opening a restaurant in West Dallas. Then we realized that the Trinity Groves business plan depends heavily on customers coming from Oak Cliff, and Oak Cliff, save for maybe two editors from D Magazine who live there, is entirely gay, which further bolstered those reservations. Then I met Frank Zaccanelli. This dude has access to an inexhaustible supply of hot Nick & Sam’s waitresses. Plus, it turns out that gay dudes like to look at boobs, too — they just do it in an ironic, campy way. Done deal.

— The lobby of the new First Baptist Church in downtown Dallas: This was actually a no-brainer. Have you seen that fountain? Additionally, our market research clearly indicates that Baptist men enjoy boobs. Though they prefer the term “bosoms.”

— Highland Park Village: Patrizio is great for all special occasions, including birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, and corporate functions. But the space that Patrizio occupies will be even greater for hearty man food, ice cold beer, and boobs. I didn’t even ask for market research on this location. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut — and, if they’re stuffed into a tasteful plaid bikini top, your boobs.