Big Rich Texas Season 3, Episode 5 Recap (11/4/12)

Daylight savings gave us an extra hour yesterday, but that just meant it was one more hour before our Big Rich fix. It was a tough Sunday to say the least.

Last night’s episode picked up with Leslie and Kalyn fleeing the scene from last week’s ice bucket showdown. They hop into a town car and Kalyn reveals to Leslie that yes, she was fired, but it was for flirting, not sleeping, with the male help.

Tyler chimes in: “Hopefully it was just flirting.”

I guess the ex-boy would know best.

Kalyn is so over the situation and doesn’t want to talk about it, but Leslie has come up with her own form of punishment — Kalyn is to work at Life’s A Pageant. Cue horror music.

Meanwhile, we find out that Bonnie’s sixth (!) book is about to hit stands and she is having a launch party to celebrate the fete. It’s Bonnie, so of course it has to have a theme, and this one will be a vampire shindig. Blood sucking? How appropriate for this bunch.

Bonnie and Whitney discuss Whit and Booger’s relationship, and Bonnie agrees with Booger: maybe they are moving too fast.

“I just have a hard time seeing what you see in him,” she says.

Word, Bonnie.

Out for lunch, Melissa is meeting with Vera Wang 2.0 (no, not that one) to discuss some designs for a swimsuit cover-up line she wants to launch. The knock-off Vera gives her the green light for the designs, but Melissa frets that it might take away time from Maddie.

Back at her place, Bonnie is doing some online stalking and finds a video of Booger beating up a cop. Way to pick a winner, Whit. How is this guy even on the streets? She then comes across pictures of Booger’s tattoos that burned my retinas. Interested? He has “Don’t Mess with Texas” across his chest, a “peek-a-boo” tramp stamp, and “YAY!” above his man parts.

Guess we know what Whitney sees in him.

Elsewhere, Leslie takes a pageant client shopping for dresses and runs into Nikki, who also has her own pageant business. Nikki’s “assistant” (AKA little brother) Austin is there and is my favorite part of the season thus far. His 10-second cameo had more personality than all the ladies combined.

Evidently I wasn’t his only fan.

“Austin is 14 years old and shows up to work…why can’t Kalyn?” Leslie wonders.

Unfortunately we are torn away from Austin when Leslie gets a call from Tyler that Kalyn is in the hospital. There are even IV’s involved so you know it’s a big deal.

While Leslie frantically makes her way to the ER in the back of a town car, Cindy, DeAynni, and Melissa are poolside. Cindy apologizes for confronting D at her party, but D isn’t up for the discussion.

“We agree to disagree on parenting, don’t we?” DeAynni says. “You know I’m hands on and you’re hands off.”

Hands on? That’s one way to put it.

Melissa then breaks up the banter and reveals that she is designing cover-ups and awkwardly hints for investors. DeAynni shares her enthusiasm for a career, but doesn’t want any part of the investment stuff.

“Let’s juggle some balls girls,” she says.

How did we get to balls from cover-ups?

Back at the hospital, Kalyn has been released and makes her way out to the car in a wheelchair. Godmother Leslie was legally not able to see her, so she is in the dark about her condition, but it sounds serious.

“The doctors ran some tests and started talking about surgeries- it was awful,” Kalyn says.

At least she wasn’t vague.

Back in Kalyn’s bed, Leslie needs to know what happened.

Drum roll….

Kalyn has a kidney infection that developed from a UTI. But get your heads out of the gutter; it’s not what you think. This was a special UTI that developed because of Whitney.

Yes, you read that right. Kalyn says Whitney gave her the UTI.

She’s been extra stressed with the Whitney drama. After all, stress in the main cause of an UTI, right? Her condition has absolutely nothing to do with the reason she was fired. Nothing at all.

Cut to Bonnie who has hit a wall as an Internet stalker and instead goes straight to the source, sandwich in tow.

And then the unthinkable happens. I kind of warm up to Booger.

Bonnie puts Booger through a rigorous test about Whitney’s favorite color and his thoughts on plastic surgery. (He’s okay with it so obviously Bonnie takes to him)

She then asks him the question every young couple must face before committing to one another.

“What about a tapeworm coming out of her anus?” she says.

But nothing is shaking this guy; he will still love her, tapeworm and all.

The icing on the cake? Booger assures Bonnie that he will dress up as an elf on Christmas. All he had to do was mention costumes and Bonnie is now the captain of Team Booger.

Across town, Cindy and Leslie hit up the golf course. They each hit a ball to make the trip seem legit and then convene on the green to trade gossip. They talk about Bonnie ignoring Leslie’s calls. Cindy’s advice? Confront her in the most inappropriate place. But enough talking. Cindy hasn’t had a drink since they left the clubhouse 10 minutes ago so it’s high time for a trip to the bar.

Over at Bonnie’s, Whitney comes flying in like a bat out of hell and bitches Bonnie out for making friendly with her man.

Bonnie plays dumb with her puppy dog eyes and insists her motives were pure.

“I brought him a sandwich, he looks hungry,” she says.

From the couch, Whitney digs deep when Bonnie invites Booger to her launch party.

“I know you want to be J.K. Rowling, but you’re not there quite yet,” she says.

Don’t worry Bonnie; aside from her mega million-dollar fame, English accent, boy wizard creation, and rags to riches story, you have almost broke even with J.K. Rowling. Perseverance is key.

Now it’s the last ten minutes so we know there’s time for a party, and this is a Big Rich party so shit is bound to hit the fan.

Everyone has turned out in their best vampire attire as the room fills with middle-aged women donning lingerie and fangs. Because obviously vampires would wear bustier and garter belts.

Botox Bonnie flaunts that PhD and lets us know how Kalyn really got sick.

“As a biologist, I know that kidney infections are not caused by stress,” she says. “Given Kalyn’s lifestyle, we know how she got it…it’s from being dirty.”

Leslie walks in dressed as a nun and I feel like I am watching the adult version of Twilight. She confronts Bonnie for ignoring her calls, and .3 seconds pass before Cindy butts her head in the situation.

Bonnie asks them to leave and take their drama elsewhere, and as they retreat starts the drama on her own.

The mother-daughter duo let Leslie know that there might be another way in which Kalyn got a UTI.

“Bacteria does not spontaneously generate, K?” Bonnie says.

Leslie makes what I can only assume is a face of shock (her Botox really is a liquid game-face) and let’s us know she has some googling to do.

I’d say so.

Next week, Kalyn gets baptized and white doves fly in an attempt to rid her of her questionable ways. I’m sure that will be an instant success.

My thoughts? Bring Austin back!


  • Paulette Miller

    I miss Pam!!! Please bring her back.

  • Kat Moscow

    I actually got pierced by booger the other day, he’s super nice and awesome