Did you know that 90 percent of the Texas population carries a handgun? According to noted statistician (and lover of pink and crystals—but never both at the same time!) Tara Harper, it’s a scientific fact. Perhaps the plethora of armed and dangerous (and eligible) folks inspired Bravo to call this episode of Most Eligible Dallas “Make Love Not War.” Who can say? All I know is they are once again wrong. This particular chapter of the greatest story ever told should be called “Charity Cases.” Last week, the gang took time away from the gun range and took part in a charity auction. This week, the gang actually participated in some legitimate philanthropy. Tara threw a party for Paws in the City to raise money to save and care for abandoned and abused animals. Nothing funny about animals in need. And Drew is very involved with DIFFA—a charity notable for its efforts to care for those living with HIV/AIDS, as well as AIDS prevention. No laughs there. So maybe check out those organizations—write a check if you so feel moved—and let’s catalog the more laughable almsgiving from the episode, shall we?
Tara’s Gentlemen Callers. Not only does Tara care for wayward dogs, she also dates them. Remember Jesse? The elderly charmer who threatened to take out a cop car, insulted her attire, and had the nerve to call Sambuca a “little jazz club”? You’d think she’d never speak to him again. But no. Sure, his immature aside about asparagus and stinky pee still annoys (“That’s like one of the comments when it goes from dating potential to friend,” Tara says), but friends are friends forever apparently.
This also applies to ex-fiance John, an elderly man who smokes brown cigarettes and uses his finger to trace his nipple in public. It’s impossible to know exactly what John looks like–he’s wearing a wig and fake sideburns for the 1970s-themed party–but if I have to guess, he looks exactly like Jody Dean and Jesse. Based on the fact that she seems to date solely from the geriatric ward and her favorite song is “Like a Rolling Stone,” we might think Tara lies about her age. Sweet, caring, sensitive, and very, very, very drunk John gives up another possibility. “You totally smoked a cigarette, didn’t you?” he asks on camera. Tara gets visibly upset and at one point even says, “I’m going to kill you later, by the way.” Her vehemence is a little strong for a nonsmoker. But when he replies, “Baby, it’s all good,” we get it. If we were there, we might offer to abet her crime off camera.
Let’s not forget the biggest dog of them all: Jody Dean. The elderly gentleman also attends the 1970s-themed benefit. While he’s wearing a faux mustache and sunglasses, the clothes he’s rocking appear to be all too real. As Courtney says, he’s “such a dork” with a “soul patch and Jesus sandals.” But for some reason, Tara is smitten. While the duo drinks from paper cups and enjoys tacos, Jody decides to take the room down for a minute. The smooth talker stammers, “I know we’re, like, friends and all. I know you just got out of a relationship, and I know I did, too. But I’m tempted to get into another one.” That’s right. He’s ready to “like, date.” (This “like” thing needs to be contained.) I don’t know if his fourth divorce is final. I don’t know if Tara is blind or compassionate or mean or confused or suffering from terrible self-esteem or doing penance or working undercover for one of Jody’s ex-wives. Whatever the case, she agrees. And she keeps her philanthropic streak alive.
Brett. Listen, it’s never a good sign if the producers are forced to use subtitles for a person whose first language is English. Poor, dumb Brett is a business acquaintance of Glenn’s—”he’s kind of like my mentor,” Brett says. Glenn has decided to bring Brett along to the Lemon Bar to meet up with Neill and Bree. Now you’d think Bree and Brett would get along swimmingly, what with the alliteration. You’d be wrong. Bree and Glenn tear up the dance floor for a spell before returning to the table, all hot and bothered. “They kicked us off,” Glenn explains. “There’s too much chemistry.”
Meanwhile, Neill is left with Brett, who is rambling things like, “He probably gave you a hard time…Or Bree a hard time…He’s probably like…A good time…” Presumably he’s talking about his mentor, but who can tell? “A lot of it didn’t make any sense,” Neill says. And we agree.
You’d think a gentleman like Glenn might note how awkward things are and cut the night short. Nope. He wants the gang to retire to his attic apartment. Earlier in the episode he says, “I’m not going bald; I’m just getting more head.” I mention this because by the time they arrive at the apartment, Bree is wasted. She’s wearing a hat sideways. She’s skateboarding in the attic. She’s destroying a box of Cheez-Its. And she makes out with Glenn on the rooftop deck. (“I can honestly say that the rooftop has been, by far, my best wing man,” he asserts.)
While things are heating up outside, inside Neill has to withstand torture. She must continue hanging out with Brett. She yawns. She complains about being tired. Brett thinks he feels what she’s throwing out. “I’ve been searching for that BMX bike for a while now. Can you believe that? It’s crazy,” he says.
Finally enough is enough. Brett has asked her to go upstairs for their own turn at seven minutes in heaven (she declines), Bree is so drunk she’s deaf, and Glenn has gotten out the dreaded guitar. The strum, strum, strum is the last straw! Charity begins at home and all, but Neill has extended quite enough beneficence in this attic, thanks very much. She cruises, and to her credit, she takes Bree with her. I would have left her behind.
Amber Venz. After donating $1.5 billion in merchandise to the comely Courtney, the designer finally gets her due. The nature of this “friendship” is a bit of a mystery. Courtney claims on the Bravo website to work “with” Amber Venz. I’ve heard they are acquaintances. Maybe after all the shout-outs, the two are BFFs. Anything is possible. Anyway, Amber gets her first namecheck at brunch at Gloria’s when Courtney brags that the designer is making a dress especially for her for DIFFA.
Later in the episode, Amber shows up in a bathroom. No, really. She apparently makes bathroom calls. “I have a killer dress by my best friend Amber. She designed it. And this dress is so sick,” Courtney notes. It’s really billowy and backless, and Courtney does indeed seem pleased with it. However, her magnanimity is not boundless. Despite wearing 15 to 42 Amber Venz pieces of jewelry in any given scene, she opts to wear “vintage Chanel” jewels to the ball. Can’t have Amber Venz thinking she’s a star now, can we?
The Wanna-Be Reality Stars. Throw a rock in this city. Chances are you will hit someone who wants to be on a reality show. And this episode was chock full of people who have tried and failed. Our first special guest star is Angie Barrett. Perhaps you remember her from the award-winning Grin and Barrett, wherein she went around the city solving crimes a la Jessica Fletcher? I kid, I kid. She just went around town grinning and bearing it. Anyway, she makes her triumphant return to reality television by opening her One Arts Plaza apartment for a hilarious slumber party, complete with a barefoot tarot reader. When he tells Angie that she’s going to meet a lawyer and make more money, she says, “Things are turning around for me.” Poor woman.
Guess who is another special guest star who just happens to be at this very special and hilarious slumber party? Gregg Asher. Gregg is another fellow who is said to be shopping around his own reality show, but for now he is happy to accept the scraps offered by the most eligible people in the universe. When we last saw Gregg, he was wearing something a little plain Jane. Tonight he has busted out the sequins and the lipstick apparently. “What shade of lipstick are you wearing? This is like a pale pink,” says a man holding a mystery wine glass. “Oh, that’s yours.” And he hands it to Gregg.
The final special guest star is Gina Ginsburg. We’ve heard that she was being courted for a Real Housewives of Dallas spinoff, so what a bitter, bitter, bitter pill to have her stepson get cast instead. But out of benevolence, Drew visits his father’s house so that Gina can have her moment. “I am big! It’s the pictures that got small,” she says after emerging from hair and makeup. “Now who’s ready for brunch?” Gina has brought in a staff of thousands to serve bagels and V-8 to Drew’s friend, his two (darling) stepbrothers, his sister Laura, and his dad Scott. (“I think it’s just Gina being excessive,” he says of the commotion.)
You guys, I really like Drew on this episode. I really like how honest he is about the fact that he didn’t grow up in this lavish, over-the-top lifestyle. “When I was born, we were moving to Florida because my dad didn’t have a job,” he explains to his friend. So all this money stuff happened in the last 10 or 15 years, and that’s tough enough. Now imagine if your stepmom was two years older than you. I mean, it’s just absurd. And imagine if you had to watch that lady treat your dad like a monkey. Like maybe you had invited a friend—and a camera crew—over for brunch. And let’s say she wants your dad to throw a grape in the air and catch it with his mouth? And he’s not feeling it. So she gets up and throws it at him. And instead of maybe just refusing to participate—just letting the grape fall or simply walking out of the room like a man with a business and a little dignity to maintain—he catches the grape in his mouth on command. Well, it would be just too sad to bear.
And let’s say you were being honored by a prestigious group like DIFFA. And maybe you’re insecure—you lost 200 pounds, you never graduated from college, and you had to go to rehab. But you’re turning your life around. You’re trying to be humble. (“The alcoholism. The weight. [My dad] had a chance to throw me away, and he didn’t,” Drew says. Come on. That’s heartbreaking!) But it’s your night. Sure, you have to parallel park your own Ferrari, and that stings a little. But then your stepmom shows up wearing something super tight and super short and with epaulets so huge that she may or may not serve as an admiral in the Navy in her spare time. It sucks.
So I won’t make fun of Drew’s smoking this time—even though we finally learned it’s real and not an electronic cigarette! We saw a lighter and an ashtray in his apartment! Drew smokes in his dad’s apartment!
And the fact that I will make no mention of Matt except to say that his bald spot appears to be growing is my charity to you.
