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Big Rich Texas, Episode 8 Recap (09/18/11)

Episode 8 of Style Network’s Big Rich Texas begins with an admirable dedication to consistency with Pamela Martin Duarte still wearing old lady clothes and awkwardly laughing at her own jokes. This week Duarte finds out that a computer has matched her with Bonnie for a golf tournament. This must be the computer at production headquarters that computes which scenario will generate the biggest catfight.

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Episode 8 of Style Network’s Big Rich Texas begins with an admirable dedication to consistency with Pamela Martin Duarte still wearing old lady clothes and awkwardly laughing at her own jokes.

This week Duarte finds out that a computer has matched her with Bonnie for a golf tournament. This must be the computer at production headquarters that computes which scenario will generate the biggest catfight.

Pamela gives us the news, “I’ve been paired with Dr. Drunk for golf.” And after she trashes Bonnie a little more for being such a lush, she tells us, “Now I need a drink.”

Cut to the tennis court where Hannah is encouraging Whitney to keep her dating options open, mainly because she feels Tyler isn’t super sharp. Hannah, you’re talking to a 23 year old community college student who lives with her mom and has the c-word tattooed on her foot, I don’t think she’s shopping for a Harvard grad.

As Hannah continues her campaign to have Whit consider someone with a higher IQ, Tyler can be seen in the background working vigorously to bounce the tennis ball on his racket without letting it fall to the ground. At least he has goals, Hannah.

Then an abrupt scene change lands us at Pam’s house where Connie, as evidenced by the road trip she just took to Collin County, is demonstrating her desperation for inventory at the consignment shop. And as if Connie weren’t already humiliated enough, Pam chunks a pair of Jimmy Choo sandals and a few funk-a-licious dresses into a resale pile while she tells Connie how exhausted she looks. Connie is annoyed, “I’m a single mom trying to make a living so I can support my kids, so sue me if I look a little tired.”

Connie, I’m not the spokeswoman for single moms or anything but I don’t think you get to play that card unless you have multiple jobs or are on food stamps or something. Owning a couture boutique and living in the Park Cities while raising a well-adjusted teen doesn’t count. But I’m sure they appreciate the nod.

Next we join Kalyn. She must’ve watched Rocky IV last night because she’s doing this sad jog in the rain down the middle of the street, only instead of preparing to fight a 7 foot tall Russian, she’s getting ready for the Darling Dolls of America Pageant at the Hotel Intercontinental. She knows if she doesn’t step it up a notch and start winning some serious beauty competitions, Leslie will ship her home to the trailer park with her real mom.

Kalyn, now 18, gives us her most compelling reason for not wanting to go back to California, “My mom started leaving me alone to take care of myself around [age] 9.” OK, you’re old enough to vote, Kalyn, nothing from age 9 is of interest to anyone other than your therapist.

Across town at Bonnie’s plastic surgeon’s office, Connie is in the chair ready for injections, a decision based solely on Pam’s comments about Connie looking tired. Good to see she isn’t rushing into anything. As the doc mixes a concoction in the syringe, Connie has only one concern, “This is our secret, nobody finds out about this.” And with the cameras rolling, he promises his lips are sealed. So are ours, Connie, we totally won’t tell anyone.

Connie makes one last safety inquiry and Doc assures her, “The main side effects is looking more beautiful.” That wasn’t a typo, it was a quote. By an MD.

Next we find ourselves with Leslie, Kalyn, and Kalyn’s mom Terry in a dress store that looks like an age-progression photo of Jon Benet’s closet. Terry compliments the salesgirl on what a fabulous pageant store it is and throws out her qualifications for making such an endorsement, “I am the National Route 66 Ambassador and I shop for a lot of pageant dresses.”

The ladies are searching for the perfect pageant gown for Kalyn, something that Leslie feels should be just standard pageant ugly and Terry feels should be more Disney princess. They settle on one that looks like a mermaid costume then Terry starts tryin’ on because [SPOILER ALERT], “You just never know when I might be in another pageant.”

Back at Whitney’s house with the garage in front, Hannah is continuing to push the Tyler analysis, “You haven’t had the define-this-relationship talk? No DTR?” Since Whit isn’t able to answer Hannah’s basic questions about the exclusivity of their relationship, she makes plans to set Whit up with one of her guy-pals.

Cut to the couch interview where Pam gives her opinion of Tyler, “I think he’s a Bim-bro, you know a male bimbo.” Duarte, if you weren’t totally thrashing the intelligence of a good kid I’d knuckle-touch you for that term. But let’s save it for a more appropriate occasion, like the next time your husband whips out one of his paintings in front of a bunch of people.

Next, we’re with Kalyn and Terry at Dickey’s Bar-B-Q where all pageant girls watching their weight go to get finger-lickin’ grub. First on Terry’s agenda, “Have you been watching your diet?”

Kalyn answers from behind a plate of coleslaw and meat covered in sauce, “I’ve been trying.”

Between bites, Terry digs deep in her mothering soul and manages to come up with some inspiration, “You’re going to screw up everything.” And while every good mommy in America gasped for air, Terry suggested to Kalyn that they compete against each other in the upcoming pageant.

And just when it seemed too late to redeem herself, Terry pulls out one final bit of advice for Kalyn, “You need to act like an adult and not like a spoiled brat.”

And viewers across America chanted, “Ter. Ry. Ter. Ry. Ter. Ry.”

Next we’re on the blind date. Hannah introduces Whitney to her super intelligent friend, Craig, who is sportin’ a black eye. To many girls, the fact that Craig didn’t remember how he scored the injury would be a deal-breaker, for Whitney it was the cherry on top of the sundae. It wasn’t until Craig insulted people from Louisiana that Whitney began to question his character. In the end, it was not a love connection and the experience only drove Whit closer to Tyler. I’m Team Tyler. Who’s with me?

What’s that, Duarte? Oh, she’s still yappin’, “I’ve never even seen Bonnie out on the golf course.” Pamela, that’s because Woodhaven is in a sketchy hood and she prefers to remain indoors. She’s smarter than you think. And she’s nicer than you think too because otherwise she’d have hurled that golf club at you when you started heckling her on the green. Instead Bonnie took the high road and yelled, “In your face.”  Yeah, Duarte. In. Your. Face. Good one, Bon. High five, sista.

Surprise. You guessed it. Terry signed up to compete in the pageant at the last minute and Kalyn was upset. I’d have been upset too if my mom brought a sequin red, white and blue patriotic formal to wear in front of people. But Kalyn, this is good if you think about it. Now when you start whining about your mom, you have a recent (and, frankly, much more compelling) argument for why you hate her. This glass is half full, Kay-devil.

If Style had been smart, they’d have turned the next scene into a musical montage of young love in bloom. Instead they let Whit bolt to Tyler’s house for the DTR talk. Guys love that, it just adds to the mood. But it does work for Ty; he declared Whitney his girlfriend and asked for nothing in return, not even respect. ‘Cause next thing we know, Whitney is on the couch telling us, “He might be a box of rocks, but he’s MY box of rocks.” Way to grab a sweet one by the ear, Whit.

Back on the golf course, in the middle of the tourney, Pam teaches Bonnie how to hold the putter with a little sexual innuendo, “You know how to let something dangle in your hand.” Um, Pam, first, that was gross. And second, do you and Ignacio need to visit a professional, like Dr. Ruth, because I don’t think it’s supposed to work that way.

Bonnie was grossed out too, “To hear Pam talk like that is like listening to my mom, no my grandmother, tell dirty jokes.” Another high five Bon, you’re on a roll.

And over at the Hotel Intercontinental, Leslie and Kalyn have agreed that this Terry thing is one of those rare exceptions when quitting is OK. So Kalyn lifts her mermaid tail and flops into the sunset with her pretend mom by her side.

Terry, still in the flag dress, returns to Leslie’s house after winning the “ultimate supreme crown.” And in another missed opportunity for an emotional musical montage, the cab waits at the curb while Terry says goodbye to Kalyn and gives her the ultimate supreme crown as a token of their dysfunctional relationship. Leslie and Kalyn wave from the porch, not the slightest bit sad to see her go.

And once again, Kalyn has dodged the trailer by the skin of her super white teeth.