AT&T: Hi, I’m AT&T’s automated virtual assistant. How can I help you today?
PGA TOUR: Hey, great. Hi. I’m having a bit of a problem. Yes, some help would be great. Um, it’s about this golf tournament in the Trinity Forest.
AT&T: One moment please.
AT&T: One moment please.
AT&T: Hmm … Looks like your AT&T gateway isn’t connected to the internet. Let’s get this fixed for you.
PGA TOUR: No. No, that’s not it. My gateway is fine. I’m using that connection to send you this message. All set there! Been streaming Westworld and Los Espookys and even got pretty into Cheer, which I didn’t expect. It’s the golf tournament. That’s what I need to talk about.
AT&T: Hmm … Looks like your AT&T gateway isn’t connected to the internet. Let’s get this fixed for you.
PGA TOUR: I’m connected.
AT&T: Hmm … Looks like your AT&T gateway isn’t connected to the internet. Let’s get this fixed for you.
PGA TOUR: Damn robot! It’s the AT&T Byron Nelson! First there was the problem with the course. I get that TPC Four Seasons Las Colinas was kinda boring. I mean, just say those words out loud. Four Seasons. Las Colinas. LOL. Anyway, I also get the whole Trinity Forest idea. Free land. Use that landfill remediation excuse and tell folks it’s still a public course. Brilliant! But no trees? In May? In Dallas? Look. Never mind. It doesn’t matter. That’s all beside the point, honestly. I don’t know why I even brought it up. Because now we’ve got this coronavirus thing. Total disaster.
AT&T: Let’s check the power light on the front of your gateway. Is it solid green?
PGA TOUR: Please monitor and record my chat for quality purposes, because I don’t feel like I’m getting quality service.
AT&T: One moment please.
AT&T: One moment please.
AT&T: Next up, we’ll restart your gateway. To do this just reset button on your gateway for three seconds.
PGA TOUR: Is “reset” a verb or an adjective? It feels like an adjective. In which case, what do you want me to do with the reset button? Press it? Give it a stern talking to?
AT&T: Thank you for chatting with us today. The agent has left this conversation. Please continue to browse our website and use our self-service options.
AT&T: Hi, I’m AT&T’s automated virtual assistant. How can I help you today?
PGA TOUR: Stupid robot idiot! I HATE YOU! And John Cornyn is a twit. There, I said it. We might have all done spring break over here in Florida, but at least we weren’t running around like your senator, saying we should call it the China virus because they eat bats and snakes. Has he ever heard of the rattlesnake roundup in Sweetwater, TEXAS? Huh?! Oh, why bother? Listen. The tournament is canceled. No more golf. The world is over. We are all in self-quarantine. Even ol’ FIGJAM himself, Phil Mickelson.
AT&T: Hey there! I’m here for you. Tell me what you’d like help with or ask me a question. Happy holidays!
PGA TOUR: What do you want for Christmas?
AT&T: Hmmm. Could you rephrase your question? Virtual Assistants understand simple questions best.
PGA TOUR: When will this end?
AT&T: Please wait as you are assigned to the next available specialist who will assist you. … We are now transferring you.
AT&T: We are currently experiencing very high chat volumes which may cause long delays. An agent will be with you as soon as possible.
AT&T: Thank you for your patience. Please continue to wait.
PGA TOUR: I’ll continue to wait, with patience. You need a comma before “which.”
