Now that Zeke Elliott is officially, finally, probably suspended for real, there is a hole in the Cowboys’ lineup. Wait, wait, hold up — the team already has Darren McFadden and Alfred Morris, you say. (Sorry, I can’t do your voice. I’m sorry! I know it sounds kind of dumb.) ANYWAY, yeah, they do, but you know what they don’t have?
A 43-year-old man who hasn’t played organized football since he had emergency surgery on his throat when he was a freshman in high school.
Am I fast? Ask former D Magazine staffer Mike Mooney. I smoked him in two 40-yard races on Elm Street after he called me out one night at Twilite Lounge. The second time, I turned around and ran backwards across the finish line. I also once outran an owl. Barely, but still. So, OK, yeah. I have the wheels for it.
Can I take contact? Well, I’ve been punched a few times. So, sure. More important, having not played football in a really long time, and having never played running back, my body doesn’t have the wear and tear of the other guys. I mean, yeah, my ankle is shredded and I have arthritis in my neck. Also my vision is kind of bad. And I have, like, 70 percent range of motion in my shoulder.
But I’m ready.
