The Bachelor VI: Melissa is Oliver Twist

I’ve all but given up on Deanna. As a certain boy remarked about my draft pick: “You would have been better off picking yourself to win.” And he’s right. According to Us Weekly, Deanna is seeing Ace from the Real World. So, it’s official: I lose. But that won’t stop me from celebrating the greatness of last night’s episode. If you feel the need to overanalyze the events of last night, jump.

When the episode begins, Ty is helping Jason pack his bags. I think one of the guhls said it best when she said, “Oh my God. I’m over this kid.”Luckily, there are four women in this world who are not because it’s time for the “See How Much/Little Money I Come From” aka “Meet My Family” date.

First up, Jason meets Jillian at a Canadian winery, wherein he remarks, “The winery is beautiful, but not nealy as beautiful as Jillian.” Clearly, Jason is not a drinker. Anyway, Jillian is nervous. She says “like” about every three seconds and tells a story that includes the line “this is the funniest part of the story”—and it’s not even close to being funny. Turns out there’s a reason for her anxiety. Her mother has struggled with—wait for it—this thing called “depression.” Umm…who hasn’t? And nice work spilling the beans about your mom’s mental health on television.

There are more troubling things about these Canadians than depression. Jillian’s generous use of the word “babe” should give pause. Her father’s choice of the garage (What are all those chemicals? I don’t think they even have meth labs in Canada.) for a heart to heart is odd. Her sister is way hotter than she is. (As someone with a much prettier sister, I know it stings, Jilly.) Her grandmother shows up wearing a black sequin tie and gives Jason underpants. And then there’s her mother, a gifted poet, whose toast includes these lines, “In my heart, I hope you find love; You deserve to fly like a dove.” Funny she should mention doves, right? Anyway, Jason pretends to be charmed by it all, but you know he told the driver to step on it on the way out of there.

Now it’s off to Molly’s house. I’ll go ahead and tell you that this was my favorite date. Yes, Molly is rocking a skort, her mom collects Precious Moments, and Jason has to draw a picture in the craft room, but this is one family who doesn’t over-share. (See: Jillian.) In fact, after her dad tells Molly, “You’re a winner,” he follows it up with, “Should you not go all the way, get in the limo, and don’t cry.” As someone who fears emotion on every level, I respect and appreciate that.

Naomi’s house is just silly. I’m praying that ABC hired people to play her parents. I mean, I know it’s California and there are all those goofy stereotypes, but this is absurd. Dead doves, hula hoops, talk of reincarnation, and a born-again dad. It was just a circus. But here’s the thing: even if Naomi’s family were the greatest people ever, the woman can’t even properly pronounce the word “important.” She never had a chance. Or as my foul-mood friend (the one who is over Ty) remarked, “You’ll cry yourself to sleep with that gigantic tongue, Naomi. It’ll be like your pillow.”

Okay, now it’s our girl Melissa. Jason comes to Dallas and apparently, her parents aren’t comfortable being on television, so we’re subjected to a super boring night at some house in Pleasant Grove. We were hoping to at least recognize some Dallas scenery, but there was none. Where was that park? How come they didn’t go to her apartment? Does she even live in Dallas? Why aren’t her friends all Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders? Why did the owners of the house scrimp on the fake flowers but invest in a pool table? Anyway, the guhls and I grew bored and starting talking about boys until the rose ceremony.

And no surprises during the rose ceremony. (Aside from Jason’s terrible tie/shirt combo and Melissa’s refusal to cease wearing shirts as dresses. Will the good people at Cache talk to her about this?). Everyone—except Naomi—knew that she was going home. Melissa received Rose No. 3. She’s so going to win, isn’t she? Next week: My girl Deanna shows up. Hopefully, she’ll bring a nice pair of pants for Melissa.

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