BEST & WORST

GENERAL WEIRDNESS

Impostors

BEST: James Kenneth Bailey pleaded guilty to posing as a physician’s assistant in the emergency room for several months at Parkland Memorial Hospital. Though doctors said he performed well and no one was injured by his charade, he was sentenced to four years in prison.

WORST: City Councilman Don Hicks continued masquerading as a leader, but degraded himself and his office with outbursts of profanity.

Chicken Little Story

WORST: Duong Huynh, an eighthgrader in Garland, was admitted to Parkland Memorial Hospital with a head injury after a professional sky-diver, hired to promote Red Ribbon Week, landed on top of him. The accident happened while the 15-year-old stood outside with a group of students at Webb Middle School to watch a program on substance abuse.

Guardian of the Past

BEST: Amateur archaeologist Alex Troup decided to give it up after 25 years of preserving pieces of the past that few oti-ers might consider valuable: huge pieces of rock, pieces of old buildings, tree trunks, buffalo bones, and more,

Nom De Bar A

WORST: When expert house guest Kato Kaelin was coming to Dallas, the popular nightspot 8.0 considered changing its name to Kate-O for an evening in hopes of luring the aspiring actor to their bar. But managers were so dismayed at Kaelin’s performance on the witness stand that they abandoned die gimmick.

Reversal of Roles

BEST: In a great gesture of pro bono goodwill, local lawyers rolled up their sleeves and gave blood during the Dallas Bar Association’s Halloween Blood Drive.

Surprise Welcome

WORST: Signing his book Take It Like a Man in Oak Lawn, pop singer Boy George was served a lawsuit filed by Village Station, a local dance club. The bar claims the famous cross-dresser and former Culture Club frontman broke a contract when be ended a show only two songs into the set. An irate George reportedly ripped up the documents outside the bookstore.

After-Dinner Habit

BEST: Tomima Edmark, the Dallas entrepreneur who made millions off her Topsy-Tail gadget, released a new book called Cigar Chic: A Woman’s Perspective. about the feminine joys of smoking stogies.

WORST: Instead of giving away rnatchbooks emblazoned with their names, hotels, restaurants, and bars can now offer customers Promo-Piks, “rnatchbooks” containing thin wooden toothpicks created fay Dallas-based Trism Innovations, Inc.

Bond-ed Success Story

BEST: Neiman Marcus unveiled its 1995 Christmas catalogue on Sept. 11 featuring a $35,000 “James Bond” BMW Z3 roaclsrer, By that afternoon, Neiman’s had sold all 20 of the initial special edition cars it had ordered and had start-ed a waiting list.

Innard Secrets

WORST: Larry Ragman’s gallstone ring. If the former J.R.’s not needing a new liver, he’s showing oft his ring set with, yes, one of his own gallstones. The fancy body jewelry cost him $350,000 to have made, despite the good deal he got on the rock itself. Be glad he didn’t have hemorrhoids.

Legal Loophole

BEST: The Awwwwwwwww Award goes to the Lewisvilie City Council, which amended an ordinance to allow 12-year-old Kevin Simmons to keep his 22 prize-winning rabbits. The old law limited household pets to six, but the council, not eager to face re-election labeled as bunny bashers, approved an exemption for special cases like Kevin’s.

Deion Song

BEST: Brad Young, amateur songwriter, put pen to paper after Deion Sanders signed a seven-year, $35 million contract. His lyrics, set to the Elton John tune “Levon,” aired on local radio stations:

“Deion wears his jewelry like a crown.

He calls his new team Dallas

Because he likes the fame

Of playing on the richest team around.

Deion, Deion likes his money

He makes a lot they say

Spends his off days counting

All the millions that Jerry had to pay.”

SPORTS

Texas Ranger Pitch

WORST: Rangers pitcher Ed Vosberg doesn’t have a multimillion-dollar contract. He only makes a couple hundred thousand. So, with the baseball strike and Congress cutting welfare, we can understand why he tried to scalp his complimentary tickets to the All-Star game in Arlington. Vosberg was issued a citation for trying to sell the $55 tickets for $100.

Moving Announcement

BEST: SMU’s TV spots on the team’s move from Ownby Stadium to the Cotton Bowl-a forlorn Peruna sitting in Ownby’s empty stands, and the team charging the wrong way out of the Cotton Bowl locker room.

Human Flash

BEST: Local hero Michael Johnson, competing in the World Championships in Sweden, became the first man ever to win both the 200m and 400m at that event. He’s the odds-on favorite for the Olympic gold in Atlanta.

Sports Talk Show

STRANGEST: The “Snapper and Pineapple Show,” on KLIF-AM 570 on Monday nights. Hosts Wally Lynn and Leon Simon teasingly exploit the amusing dullness of the Cowboys’ long snapper, Dale Hellestrae, and equally colorless lineman Mark (“Pineapple”) Tuinei. These guys make faceless former ’Boys like Blain Nye and Larry Cole seem positively vibrant.

Loss of HeritageWORST: The Southwest Conference. An 81-year tradition has ended in college athletics, and we’ll miss it all: the players, the rivalries, the illegal alumni support, the recruiting violations, the scandals, Grant Teaff, and everything else that made the Southwest Conference what it was.

Best Gifts to the Dallas Mavericks (besides, of course, Roy Tarpley’s exit) SOMETHING OLD: Dick Motta. He’s the only real coach the Mavericks have ever had, and we’re glad the team’s original old man came back for a second honeymoon at Reunion Arena, Credit the veteran coach for resurrecting one of the worst teams ever.

SOMETHING NEW: Jason Kidd. The Mavericks’ first-ever Rookie of the Year was a virtual human highlight film-acrobatic passing, clutch shooting, scrappy hustling, and amazing court awareness. In April, as the Mavericks fought for a playoff spot, Kidd turned in four triple-doubles, matching the total number put up by the team in its 14-year history.

Haircut

BEST: Juan Gonzalez finally got the pine tar out of his hair, shaving off that goofy goatee and those loopy Latin-lover curls.

Way to Meet Dennis Rodman

WORST: Giving him the bird. When Danet Arango learned that the macaw she found belonged to the NBAs leading ’c rebounder and favorite weirdo, she didn’t want a custody battle, but she did want some cash from the tattooed millionaire. When Rodman and his entourage came to pick up the escaped pet from Arnago’s Far North Dallas home, he refused to pay the $1,000 she demanded. In the end, the surly Worm got his bird; the woman got about $50.

BEST: Given some of Rodman’s moods, there may not be a best.

Marathon

Man

BEST: Dallas’ John Wallace, a 51-year-old manager, completed the Hoosier Marathon in about three hours, making him the first person to compete in a marathon in each of the 50 states.

Insult to Jerry Jones

WORST: Blasting the Cowboys’ owner for his “win at any cost” attitude, Morning News columnist Randy Galloway suggested Jones hire a certain veteran running back as a sub for Emmitt Smith. The man’s personal life, Galloway wrote, “suggests he’s a perfect fit for Jones’ current philosophy.” The ex-player? O.J. Simpson.

CLOSE SECOND: Harvey Martin, in Jim Dent’s Jones bio King of the Cowboys: “Jerry Jones does not give a shit about the former players. The former players don’t give a shit about him. But we are his legacy. Without us, he doesn’t have America’s Team. We are the reason there is an America’s Team.”

Comeback

BEST: A group of Stars fans likes to chant, “Never leave a hockey game.” The Stars proved why on October 14 against Boston. Down 5-3 with a minute left, the Stars scored three goals in 44 seconds to win, 6-5. The 8,000 or so fans who weren’t already in their cars changed their boos into thundering cheers just as fast.

SMU Team

BEST: The women’s soccer team. They set new marks for most victories, most goals, most consecutive wins (18), and most consecutive shutouts (5) in a season. They entered the NCAA tournament seeded third with a record-setting season of 21-0-1, and as of press time had advanced to the semifinals.

Cowboy Disgrace

WORST: Cowboys lineman Erik Williams, just back from an injury sustained in a DWI car wreck, found himself and a buddy in a lurid menage a trois avec baby oil with a 17-year-old stripper.

Football Venues

BEST: Texas Stadium. She may be ugly on the outside, but this concrete beauty is sitting pretty, thanks to Daddy Jones. She got herself an official soft drink as well as the most coveted deal in sports-a Nike contract. And now Jones is talking about adding real grass, 40,000 seats, dozens of sky boxes, and a retractable roof.

WORST: The Cotton Bowl. It lost its status as a Tier 1 bowl. It lost its sponsor, Mobil. And now it’s about to lose its namesake Cotton Bowl game. Hoping to regain its New Year’s Day significance, the game is likely to abandon Fair Park for Texas Stadium.

New Voices on the Airwaves

BEST: Mike Fisher, KLIF-AM 570. Forget all the cutesy marketing puns- Tune a Fish, Catch the Fish, etc.-the Fort Worth Star-Telegram’s sports-cribe took to the radio with blunt opinions, no-nonsense analysis, and mercifully little patience with call-in yahoos. He’s O-Fish-ally our pick.

WORST: Brad Sham as a Rangers announcer. He was great throughout his 19 years doing the radio broadcasts for the Cowboys, but Sham got off to a shaky start in his first season calling baseball for KRLD-AM 1080. He proved to be a master of out-of-place emotion and untimely anecdotes; the game often seemed to interrupt his storytelling.

ARTS

Building Worty of Renovation

BEST: Republic Towers, designed by legendary architect Wallace K. Harrison in 1954. Harrison designed New York’s Rockefeller Center and the United Nations building, and his work is suddenly trendy. Fortunately, Carmel Property Management is restoring the idiosyncratic office building to its original state.

WORST: The old Employers Insurance Building across from the Convention Center would make a nice hotel, but is it worth $40 million in tax abatements?

Move for the DMA

BEST: The 1750s English toiletry box acquired by the DMA is so ornate and convoluted that it could, single-handedly, define Rococo art. Swirling silver, enameled porcelain, crimson velvet, and shaped mirrors create this fold-out dressing set.

WORST: Losing Dr, Annegreth Nill, associate curator of contemporary art, who brought an international scope to the DMA and a genuine passion for contemporary art.

Single Artist Holdings

BEST: The collection of paintings by Dutch artist Piet Mondrian at the DMA is almost unrivaled in size and quality, and has helped propel the museum to world-class status.

WORST (according to the artist): When Peter Saul lectured at the DMA, die audience was riveted by the artist’s colorful anecdotes of his early days as a 1960s pop artist, and by his graphic, cartoon-like paintings. “I wish art was as exciting as thrill movies, porn, and the National Enquirer,” quipped Saul. “I am not embarrassed to boast my pictures are the ugliest and stupidest of all. “

Works on Paper Exhibition

BEST: “Alice Neel-The Complete Prints” at The Gallery at SMU. Neel’s portraits of artist friends and family members are world-famous for their emotional directness and psychological depth.

Expensive Project

BEST: Saving 1936 Centennial Exposition buildings in Fair Park, which again made the National Trust for Historic Preservation’s list of America’s Eleven Most Endangered Historic Places. The Fair Park buildings are the nation’s last intact collection of Art Deco exposition designs.

WORST: Remodeling Central Expressway. We’ll praise the finished product years from now, but this has been a mess.

Example of Artistic Dedication

BEST: David Marquis gave his last performance after more than a decade of the provocative one-man show I Am a Teacher.

Photography Exhibition

BEST: “Invoking die Spirit,” by Chester Higgins, Jr. at the African American Museum. Higgins’ pictures, a blend of documentary and visual poetry, depict the multi-faceted spiritual lives of peoples of African descent worldwide. Catholic mass, Voodoo rituals, and a Pentecostal Baptism were just a few of the striking images offered in this exhibition.

Public Art

WORST: The murals along the Deep Ellum Tunnel. The worthy idea of dressing up the tunnel resulted in a hodge-podge of mediocre wall paintings, which are also becoming increasingly graffiti-covered. Sure, some people stop to take photos, but at least one dissenter sprayed “wack, very wack” on one of the murals.

FOOD & DRINK

Thing That Joey Did

BEST: Osso Buco. Joey’s, the hot newcomer, gives the peasant favorite a French twist of refinement, even furnishing an authentic marrow spoon to scoop the last rich morsel from the long-simmered veal bone. 4217 Oak Lawn Ave.

WORST: Not content with displacing Gene Street’s long-loved Wine Press, Joey turned his back on Oak Lawn and moved his new restaurant’s front door to the rear, with access from Herschel, thereby creating much puzzlement among eager would-be patrons: At least one determined woman scaled the balcony wall to gain entrance.

Specialty Sandwich

BEST: Cafe 450’s Top Cat creation layers cold-smoked salmon, avocado, purple onion, tomato, sprouts, and capers with cream cheese and lemon mayo on a French bun. Yum’s the word. 1802 Greenville Ave.

Pita Bread

BEST: Hedary’s in Fort Worth- after you’ve tasted hot, crisp, puffed pitas fresh from this West Side restaurant’s stone oven, ordinary versions will never satisfy you again. 3308 Fairfield at Camp Bowie Blvd.

Tortilla Soup

BEST MEATLESS: Monica s Aca Y Alla in Deep Ellum beats all the big names who claim to have invented the genre; the slight bite of her version’s broth zings the brilliant melange of vegetables afloat among skinny tortilla crisps. 2914 Main St.

BEST WITH MEAT: The Pepper Garden’s version (1700 Commerce St.} with ringlets of jalapeno floating like depth charges.

Thing to Do to a Duck

BEST: Blue Mesa Grill’s tequila-roasted duck mates with jack cheese and green onions in fine, thin tortillas grilled to a turn, sided with candied-pepper relish, guacamole, and zippy fresh pico de gallo. Worth going for yam chips here, too. 5100 Belt Line Rd. in the Village on the Parkway.

Eggs Benedict BEST CONVENTIONAL:

Breadwinners, where the signature poached egg and Canadian bacon under silken Hollandaise start any day with a mellow morning glow, further deepened by bracing coffee brews in the prettiest sheltered courtyard in town. 3301 McKinney Ave.

BEST VARIATION: The Wheeler, at Brownie’s, tweaks tradition by topping the English muffin with sliced ham and a thin layer of crisp hash browns under the egg, then submerging the whole affair in homey cheese sauce. Sounds strange, tastes wonderful. 5519 E. Grand Ave.

Breakfast Experience

BEST; Gold Rush Cafe, where East Dallasites find the come-as-you-are ambiance so comfortable (and food and service so down-home pleasant) that bookish retirees and pierced-all-over biker types mingle in amiable accord. 1913 Skillman St.

WORST: Mediocre breakfast buffet for two at the Hyatt Regency, $23.50. Shoot another six bucks for an hour of valet parking (the cheaper self-parking is a block away), toss the guy a tip, and you know the day can only get better.

Killer Desserts

MOST OUTRAGEOUS: Star Canyon’s zillion-calorie Heaven and Hell cake, Stephan Pyles’ signature conclusion to die-happy dining, 3102 Oak Lawn Ave.

HEALTHIEST SIN: Fog City Diner’s orgasmically delightful pineapple-carrot cake, lavished with candied walnuts. 2401 McKinney Ave.

PERENNIAL BEST-OF-CLASS

(UPSCALE): The Riviera’s wickedly rich creme brulee. 7709 Inwoocl Rd.

PERENNIAL BEST-OF-CLASS

(CHEAPO): Gloria’s satiny chocolate flan. 4140 Lemmon Ave.

Chicken-Fried Steak

MOST REFINED: Deep Ellum Cafe’s melt-in-your-mouth version certainly should-it’s tenderloin. 2706 Elm St.

BEST HOME-STYLE: Gennie’s Bishop Grill adds a classic dusting of seasoned flour-no batter, thanks. 321 N. Bishop Ave.

BEST CHAIN: Gene Streets Good Eats-the beefs hand-cut and the batter’s crisp clear through, at least at the 3888 Oak Lawn location,

Sandwich

BEST: The blackened tuna sandwich at Piano’s Sea Grill. The chive mayonnaise mixes into the tuna’s juices, and becomes liquid gold dripping down your chin. 2205 N. Central Expy.

Burger

BEST: Houston’s, where they’re served with great, skinny fries. 8141 Walnut Hill Ln.

ALSO GOOD: Champps Americana. where they come with homemade potato chips. 4951 Belt Line Rd., Addison.

Bargain in a Box

BEST: Sumo Sushi’s Grand Champion Lunch is hardly to be believed-$5.99 gets you a traditional Bento box crammed to the brim with soup, salad, seafood, chicken, vegetables, and sauces, all beautifully prepared. 7402 Greenville Ave.

Steamed Clams

BEST: Daddy Jack’s plump little Manilas, coaxed open in a lemony bath awash with crunchy minced garlic, rival any produced in the Pacific Northwest. And with DJ’s sourdough loaves to soak up the broth, you’re in Blissville. 1916 Greenville Ave.

Late-Night Bar Food

BEST: The Loon, Cliff Gonzales’ clubby hangout where Joe Miller’s used to be, grills a fine strip steak or pork cutlet, served open-sandwich style with tomato and onion to starving midnight masses. 3531 McKinney Ave.

Guacamole

BEST: Cuquita’s greets all comers with its just-made classic of pristine avocado-hand-pureed and chunky, lightly seasoned, and served in individual stone mortars. 2326 N. Henderson Ave.

Salsa

BEST: Rothschild Fiery Raspberry at Goodies from Goodman.

Hot Thai Dish

BEST: The Gang Dang at Thai Thai. Some Thai places “Chinese” up the food with sweet-and-sour touches, hoping not to offend tender-tongued roundeyes. Not here. Try the Gang Dang “extra hot,” if you dare, and you’ll find yourself either gasping or suffused with a pleasant, almost drug-like glow as the capsaicin released by the peppers plays with your endorphins. A sweaty, legal bliss. 1731 Greenville Ave.

Reason to Have Bad Breath

BEST: The Grape’s earthy garlic soup. 2808 Greenville Ave.

ALSO GOOD: California Pizza Kitchen’s dazzling roasted garlic chicken pizza. 8411 Preston Rd.

Chocolate

BEST: Hawaiian Vintage Chocolate Company makes the kind that sends your tastebuds to heaven. Star Canyon uses it in many of their desserts, but you can buy your own supply of the bittersweet and semi-sweet disks at Marty’s, 3316 Oak Lawn Ave.

Steak Secrets

BEST: It’s not exactly highlighted on the menu, but Campisi’s, the Italian joint that bills itself as an Egyptian joint, serves a slice of cow that might please the gods of both nations. 5610 E. Mockingbird Ln.

Chili Dog

BEST: The big, fat specimen served up at the Lakewood Bar and Grill hits the spot when you’re in the mood for something so bad for you and yet so, so good. Chili, cheese, onions, and potato chips kick the grease factor into triple digits. 6340 Gaston Ave.

Bar Makeover

BEST: Stan’s Blue Note, one of the grungiest, dustiest little beer joints in town, quadrupled its size when All That Jazz next door went belly up and Caulfield and Co. decided to expand into the vacant space. Regulars were astonished when the proprietors added attractive waitresses, a huge horseshoe bar, and myriad new beers. 2908 Greenville Ave.

Bartender Makeover

BEST: The change seems to have affected Stan’s irascible beer server and pan owner Steve Beitzelberger. Recently, several witnesses even heard him say hello, “We’re not expecting Christmas cards,” said one Blue Note denizen, “but he may stop for us at crosswalks.”

Meat Market

BEST: Hirsch’s Specialty Meats in Piano, an old-fashioned butcher shop that specializes in top-quality prime and choice cuts. 1929 W. Parker Rd. #109.

ALSO GOOD: Sambuca’s new Addison location, where the bar is hip ’n’ happening, and one woman’s outfit of white leather hot pants, a leather bustier, and high, high heels raised no eye-brows on a recent Friday night. 15207 Addison Rd.

Appetizers

BEST:

Mediterraneo- from the sweet corn pancake with lump crab meat to the lobster ravioli with shiitake mushrooms, there’s plenty of reason to make an entire meal of appetizers.

New Tropical Punch

BEST: Cane Country Vodka (Cane Juice Caribbean Vodka)

Restaurant Trend

BEST: Waiters seem to have stopped saying, ” Hi, I’m Sean, and I’ll be your waiter.”

WORST: Fruit-flavored ice tea. It’s like drinking perfume.

New Condiment

BEST: The jalapeno ketchup invented and marketed by Richardson resident Ben Drum. This stuff will wake the taste buds or the dead.

Pizza

BEST: Nicola’s at The Galleria, where the dough and cheese are homemade, and the quatro stagioni comes loaded with mushrooms, prosciutto, artichokes, tomatoes, and basil.

Fried Okra

BEST: Not just the best, but the only definitive fried okra in Dallas-Fort Worth is found at Zeke’s in West Fort Worth; nowhere else even comes close. 5920 Curzon, off Camp Bowie Blvd.

Mashed Potatoes

BEST: Lawry’s. They’re smoothly sinful, ready to be accented with a scoop of jus, but unbeatable on their own. 3008 Maple Ave.

Cheap Italian

BEST: Sal’s on Wycliff just west of the Tollway may not be in the best neighborhood, but you’ll feel safe while eating the best garlic pizza this side of North Beach because so many cops eat there. The spaghetti with garlic and olive oil and the spaghetti with meatballs are to die for and cost less than $10 with salad, bread, and a non-alcoholic beverage, 2525 Wycliff Ave.

New Cheap Sushi

BEST: The new mega-Tom Thumb on Lovers Lane east of Greenville Avenue has sushi chefs at work in the deli section. The cucumber roll and spicy (una roll are our personal favorites.

Cheap East Dallas Thai

BEST: The original Bangkok Inn behind Mother Nature Landscape Design and Installation has a traditional Pad Thai that tops all the rest. Fish dishes are also a specialty, and lunch specials are still an ultra-bargain at $3,45. 6033 Oram St.

New Brew Pub

BEST: Routh Street Brewery. The feel is comfortable-funky-pretty, the food is great, (German favorites and Texas traditions like fried quail), and so is the beer and wine selection. You’ll also find live entertainment every weekend-a great mix of folk, R&B, and German oom-pah-pah artists. 3011 Routh St.

CRIME

Good News, Bad News Story

GOOD NEWS: A federal drug study reported that the number of people booked into the Dallas County Jail who tested positive for illegal drug use was down 12 percent from 1988.

BAD NEWS: Despite the drop, more than half the people-booked into the jail test positive for illegal drug use.

Way to Celebrate

WORST: Dallas police launched a three-month campaign aimed at reducing random gunfire by asking revelers not to fire their guns into the air during celebrations of Cinco de Mayo, Juneteenth, and the Fourth of July.

Disguise

BEST: Police arrested Christopher Lynn Lee, 27, and accused him of being the “ZZ Top” Bandit who robbed three banks, a supermarket, and a paint store while wearing a long beard like members of the rock band.

Backhanded Compliment

BEST: After Dallas city officials threatened to prosecute anyone exhibiting adult videos at the Video Software Dealers Association convention, comedian Robert Wuhl offered this comment: “Nobody wants adult videos in Dallas. Why should they? They have a (topless) bar on every comer.”

Advice to O.J. from One Who Has Been There

BEST: Alter O.J. Simpson was declared not guilty, Cullen Davis, acquitted of the murders of his step-daughter and his estranged wife’s lover, offered these words of wisdom; “O.J. should just try to get on with his life,” Davis said. “I just went back to work. He won’t be doing more commercials or football broadcasts on television. Maybe he has some kind of business.”

Jury Award

WORST: A Grand Prairie man who sued Irving weight-loss doctor Robert Y. Fong was awarded $200,700 in damages after a jury found Pong liable for the man’s addiction to diet pills and cocaine. Charles David Smith, Jr. said the pills not only-caused him to suffer from depression, hallucinations, and other symptoms of psychosis, but he also gained 50 pounds.

Example of Parental Involvement

BAD: Lou Gomez threatened to sue the Lewisville school board after it passed a ban on student pagers, which are often used for illegal activity. Gomez claimed the devices helped him keep up with his two sons, but he had another reason to fight the ban: He had invested in a pager store.

WORST: A man was charged with misdemeanor assault tor attacking his son’s elementary school principal in North Richland Hills. The two were meeting when Gerald Poston, 30, became enraged that his son’s teacher was not present. During the struggle, the 50-year-old principal fell to the floor and suffered a cut on the forehead and bruised ribs.

Case of Life Imitating Art WORST: Dallas police charged 24-year-old rapper Robert Magee with murder after he allegedly doused his wife with gasoline and set her on fire. Magee had recently recorded a demo CD, on the Killer Instinct Label, called “Sex, Drugs, and Guns the American Way. “

Quote from a Thief

MOST HONEST: When asked why he robbed grocery stores, Dennis Hope, sentenced to 80 years for the crimes, admitted: “The money helps me to live the kind of lifestyle I want to live. “

Mayoral Moxie

BEST: While he was being driven to a meeting by an undercover policeman, Dallas Mayor Ron Kirk’s car was hit by another car. Kirk and his cop gave chase and eventually apprehended the uninsured suspect on Travis Street. Said Kirk: “We hunted him down. I was directing. I was helping. I was enjoying the ride.”

Teenage Criminals

BAD: National Merit Scholar Peter Koh, 18, was sentenced to 24 months in prison for plotting a truck-bomb hoax in the wake of the Oklahoma City tragedy. Distraught that his study materi- als were lost, Koh parked a Ryder truck, packed with 40 bags of concrete soaked with diesel fuel, outside a school building on the day he was scheduled to take an advanced college calculus test.

WORST: When a Fort Worth detective talked to Courtney Dunkin about the murder of her mother, the teen told him, “We talked, and then I shot her.” When the shocked detective asked if she was admitting that she killed her mother, a bored Dunkin replied, “Yeah. Where do I sign?”

Proof That We Take the Cowboys Seriously

BEST: Aaron Gersh, a 37-year-old Carrollton photographer, was sentenced to 10 years in prison for forging the signatures of Dallas Cowboys on publicity photos and memorabilia.

Proof That Some Cowboys Aren’t Above the Law

BEST: After former Dallas Cowboy Alvin Harper failed to show up for a trial in a civil lawsuit accusing him of beating up a Dallas man and woman during a melee at the Iguana Mirage, District Judge John Marshall

BUSINESS

Self-Help Book

BEST: Dallas resident Leisa Hart released The Bum of Steel Cookbook. It worked for her- but will it work for us?

WORST: In God Wants You to Be Rich, Dallas author/investor Paul Zane Piker offered this insight: “Virtually every book of the Bible, from Genesis through Revelation, is filled with references to the pursuit of personal economic sustenance (production, trade, property acquisition) by individuals relatively unfettered by state interference.” And you thought it was J all a bunch of I religious stuff.

Import

WORST: The Dallas County jail, now undercrowded, took in 300 prisoners from Massachusetts. slapped Harper with a $2 million default judgment.

The 1995 Robert Tilton Award

WINNER: After at least 10 people filed complaints, police arrested 33-year-old Dwayne Moffitt, minister at Mount Rose Baptist Church in South Dallas, and charged him with taking money from bereaved families for tombstones for their deceased loved ones’ graves, then not delivering.

Business With a Social Conscience

BEST: Smokey Mountain Chew of Dallas began promoting a new tobacco-free spit kit, a 12-step program to help longtime munchers get up to snuff.

Deal We Wish We’d Gotten In On

BEST: Blockbuster Video celebrated its 10th anniversary. From one lone store in Medallion Center, the chain has grown to 4,200 stores nationwide. According to the company’s vice chairman, the stock rose more than 4,000 percent between January 1987 and January 1994. Sigh.

Proof That Not Even Slurpees Last Forever

BEST: The 7-Eleven store located on the site of the original 7-Eleven, which opened in 1927, is gone. Southland Corp. shut the doors at the birthplace of the convenience store, located at the corner of 12th Street and Edgefield Avenue in Oak Cliff, because it didn’t produce the revenue necessary to justify remodeling it.

MEDIA AND ENTERTAINMENT

Example of Image Polishing

WORST: After a study showed that the Dallas school district needed more help in getting out a positive message (for this, we needed a study?), Channel 4 reporter Shaun Rabb signed on as a special assistant in charge of PR, hauling down some $90 K per year. Five weeks later Rabb decided that the job wasn’t for him and returned to Channel 4, leaving school district officials with one more problem to explain.

Secret Place

BEST: The Dallas Nature Center. Admit it. You don’t know about this splendid, educational preserve at 7171 Mountain Creek Parkway. So go and have a look,

Outbreak of Cinematus Giganticus

WORST: Apparently, Hollywood USA {16 screens), the Cinemark 17, and the AMC Grand (24 screens, 5,000 seats) weren’t enough. Now AMC, clinging to the outdated Texas notion that bigger is better, is building a mega-mega, 30-screen wonder in Piano.

Generous Move

BEST: KDFW-TV Channel 4 donated some 160 hours of videotapes, film, and audio recordings from its coverage of the Kennedy assassination to the Sixth Floor Museum. Among other tidbits, the Channel 4 footage twice shows Jack Ruby haunting police headquarters while Lee Harvey Oswald is in custody.

KERA Happening

GOOD: Glen Mitchell took over 90. Is “Evening Talk Show,” bringing an instant upgrade in breadth and intelligence.

BEST: The station won an Emmy for “After Goodbye: An AIDS Story,” a documentary chronicling the Turtle Creek Chorale, a men’s choir that has lost more than 90 of its 200 members to AIDS.

WORST: A cloud of suspicion hung over KERA bigwigs following Dallas Observer and Morning News stories of mismanagement and a “Travelgate” of their own.

Editorial Lapse of Judgment

BEST: Our July cover featuring Kay Bailey Hutchison’s head and a local model’s body.

BAD: Lamenting the loss of “that old-time Halloween mischief,” a Dallas Morning News writer opined: “For one thing, in recent years Halloween pranks have sometimes turned lethal. In 1974, an 8-year-old Houston boy died after eating poisoned Halloween candy. His father was later convicted of murder.” (Note to editors: Check the meaning of “prank.”)

WORST: In an April story on the mayor’s race, we sent former city councilman Max Goldblatt to an early grave. As his lengthy response proved, Max is very much alive, and we hope he stays that way.

CD-ROM for the Age of O.J.

BEST: Addison-based Museworthy, Inc., makers of “Paparazzi! Tales of Tinseltown,” plans a 1996 release of “Shyster,” a parody of the American legal system. And we thought you couldn’t parody a parody.

1995 Cybercliche

WORST: Any reference to the Information Superhighway.

Way to Avoid the Looming Threat of Cybersmut

BEST: Go about your normal business on the ’Net and forget the media hype.

ALSO GOOD: Subscribe to Eons (Enterprise On-Line Network System), a service provided by a Carrollton-based company that offers G-rated access to the Information Superhighway.

Place to See the Dallas Stars

BEST: No, it’s not Reunion, it’s Arcodoro, the bar-half of a swank Italian restaurant on Cedar Springs. A few of the icemen are there after most home games. But don’t expect to sit down and talk high sticking with Churla and Modano. You’ll need a power play of your own to break through the swarms of gorgeous women in tight dresses.

Change of Heart

PUZZLING: WFAA-TV Channel 8 decided to start carrying “NYPD Blue” as the police drama entered its third season. “Blue” is as blue as ever, and as violent, so why did the station drop its earlier objections to the series, which recently won an Emmy, and now has a boffo audience share, and…Hmmm. We’re stumped. Somebody get Sipowicz on this.

Collapse of Hype Bubble

BAD: Dallas media, including D Magazine, hyped the Nov. 12 Cowboys-49ers game until it seemed like the battle of Armageddon. By the time the 5-4 Niners limped into Texas Stadium, scalpers were unloading tickets at bargain prices.

WORST: A second hype bubble formed days before the game, with experts certain the Cowboys would savage the wounded 49ers. Score: 38-20, S.F.

POLITICS

Memorable Words

BEST: Leaving the auditorium after Ron Kirk was sworn in as mayor, Gail (Mrs. Steve) Bartlett was heard to say, “Free at last!”

WORST: Mouse Majority Leader Dick Armey of BEST: Westcliff Mall changed its name to Rosa Parks Mall.

WORST: Joe Poole Lake. Let’s honor heroes, not mediocre politicians. How about Fred Cuny Lake?



Flip Sides

BEST: The Rev. Flip Benham of Operation Rescue garnered world-wide publicity when he converted Norma McCorvey- “Jane Roe,” the very symbol of the pro-choice BEST: Westcliff Mall changed its name to Rosa Parks Mall.

WORST: Joe Poole Lake. Let’s honor heroes, not mediocre politicians. How about Fred Cuny Lake?



Flip Sides

BEST: The Rev. Flip Benham of Operation Rescue garnered world-wide publicity when he converted Norma McCorvey- “Jane Roe,” the very symbol of the pro-choice movement-and baptized her in his swimming pool.

WORST: Benham and his cohorts were slapped with an $8.4 million judgment for harassing and invading the privacy of a Dallas abortion clinic operator.

Result of PeavyGate

BEST: He’s gone.

WORST: Assassination-by-wiretap seems to be our latest political fad. Oh, great. That makes it a lot easier to convince people of quality to serve.

Ron Kirk Idea

BEST: After the Charlotte Mayes N-word tapes were released, the Mayor had the guts and good sense to condemn the taping and draw a distinction between the Mayes and Peavy cases.

WORST: The Mayor advocated lengthening the council’s summer vacation from four to six weeks. (Or is that a “Best”?)

SHOPPING

Place to Buy Tires

BEST: NTW (National Tire Warehouse) You know NTW is customer-focused when they invite you onto the workshop floor and provide you with a clean, relaxing waiting room with coffee, magazines, a television, and a phone. The selection of tires, the training of the technicians, the pricing (they match competitors’ prices), and the free or discounted follow-up services make purchasing tires a smooth ride, 7550 N. Central Expy. and nine other Dallas locations.

Place to Buy Party Supplies

BEST: Discount Party Warehouse is the place to stock up for a child’s birthday, a Super Bowl bash, or a baby shower.

Scads of cards, paper goods, balloons, and party favors are priced almost 50 percent less than at many other party stores around town. They also have extended hours on Thursday and Friday, so the working mom and dad can get last-minute goodies for a weekend birthday party. 1002 N. Central Expy. and three other locations.

Humongous Baby Store

BEST: Baby Superstore is like a Home Depot for children. Stroll the aisles and get plenty of gift ideas from the unique insect mesh to put over a baby’s crib to stuffed animals and cute clothes and bibs. Baby Superstore also offers a gift registry, so check with your mom-to-be to see if she has registered there. 3850 Belt Line Rd. and two other locations.

Place to Buy a Keepsake Baby Present

BEST: At 9 Months ’N More, the cozy atmosphere and helpful salespeople make picking out a present a delight. The store has cute gifts-litde spoon sets, picture frames, books-that mom will want to keep. The clothes are so cute, it’s a shame they will be drooled on. 2625 Old Denton Rd.

Place to Buy a Tree

BEST: Whether you’re looking tor a small magnolia or a 15-foot Live Oak, you’ll find what you need at North Haven Gardens. The prices are a little higher than other tree centers, but worth it. After 45 years, this family-owned operation has roots in Dallas and will likely be around to advise you as your tree grows. 7700 Northaven Rd.

Source for Fashionable But Inexpensive Shoes

BEST: Dallas Shoe Warehouse has Bruno Magli, Kenneth Cole, Anne Klein, Calvin Klein, 9 West, and many other designer shoes at 30 to 50 percent off. Men’s and tennis shoes are also a great bargain here. 13548 Preston Rd.

Reptile Selection:

BEST: Animal Kingdom sells more than 20 different species, including corn snakes, geckos, iguanas, and numerous other more exotic creatures. 5706 E. Mockingbird Ln.

Men’s Formal Wear

BEST: Mr. Tuxedo has a great selection of styles and sizes in the store, and they can order what they don’t have, The sales staff is very accommodating and helpful. 6625 Snider Plaza.

Greeting Card Store

BEST: We’ve given them several “Bests,” but nobody beats Ruccus. Two floors of funny, sentimental, and holiday-inspired cards for every occasion. 3024 Mockingbird Ln.

Stationery Store

BEST: Papyrus at both NorthPark and the Galleria features classic and traditional stationery and invitations (wedding, etc.), as well as current holiday collections and patterns for teenagers or young adults (mostly Crane). They also do a nice job of printing and engraving.

Place to Give a Sofa the Slip

BEST: Quatrine’s washable furniture is beautiful and perfect for those of us who live with pets, small children, large children, or, really, anybody. This store specializes in well-made (kiln-dried hardwood), classically styled, unfinished pieces that you complete with your choice of cushion fillings (Dacron or down) and fabrics. This furniture’s not cheap-an all-Dacron, 7-foot couch covered in True Blue Denim was about $1,800- ; but it’s practical and gorgeous. 3120 Knox St.

Place to Find Educational Toys

BEST: Teach & Play Smart has a nature and science section and sells electronics, arts and crafts, toys, board games, and software. The prices are reasonable, and the store is next door to Chuck E. Cheese, so make a day out of shopping and lunch with the kids. 13127 Montfort Dr.

Hidden Cigar Store

BEST: Wedged between two hair salons in a nondescript spot in North Dallas. Tobacco Club is a surprise, with well over 10,000 cigars, a roomy walk-in humidor, and a solid selection from the Dominican Republic, Honduras, Jamaica, Nicaragua, and Mexico. 4043 Trinity Mills Rd., #112.

CDs-New and Used BEST SELECTION OF CLASSICAL

MUSIC: Blockbuster Music at 3068 Mockingbird Ln., formerly called Sound Warehouse-Classical, has more than 28 racks of classical music CDs, which include full composer sets and operas. They also have a classical video section with mostly operas and musical concerts.

BEST PRICE FOR USED COS: The prices at Half-Price Books are seldom higher than $7.99 and some go for as low as 39 cents.

BEST ATMOSPHERE: Borders Books & Music in the Preston Royal Shopping Center. Music plays softly in the background while the aroma of coffee wafts through the air. Headphones line the walls around the entire music section, giving customers the chance to hear an entire CD before purchasing it. A computer with a touch-response screen is set up to help browsers find their way around the racks of music.

Earth-Friendly Beauty SupplyStore

BEST: Garden Botanika in Highland Park Village has shampoos, bath crystals, mud masks, massage oils, brushes, combs, personal scents, and vats of make-up. All of the products at this bright and airy “Washington state-based chain are beautiful, and they’re free of animal byproducts and that other yucky stuff that purists tell us to avoid.

Return Policy

WORST: Gymboree’s at NorthPark. On two different occasions, we tried to return gifts and were told that they could only be exchanged for store merchandise. No cash back-not even a dime. When the new items we selected turned out to be less than a dollar short of the value of what we returned, we were told to pick out something else to make an even exchange or buy something worth more than what we returned.

Computer Games for Kids

BEST: We have a tie between CompUSA (several locations) and Teach & Play Smart. CompUSA has a better selection of playtime software but T&PS gets the nod in educa- tional software (math, science, music and art, language, encyclopedias, dictionaries, etc.). Thankfully, both have hands-on centers so kids can try out the merchandise before you buy it.

leans for Growing Legs

BEST: Take Gap style, knock about $10 off the price tag of any given item, and you’ve got Old Navy Clothing Company. This subdivision of the Gap makes a line of great-looking basics that may not have die quality of heirloom pieces, but will get your growing child fashionably through die season. Jeans range from S15 for toddlers to $22 for adult sizes. 14902 Preston Rd. and other locations.

Shoes for Growing Feet

BEST SELECTION: Texas Kids arrived this year in NorthPark Mall and knocked the socks off the competition in terms of selection and style. You’ll find everything from the traditional patent Mary Janes to trendy work boots with lug soles to cowboy boots and somewhere-over-the-rainbow ruby slippers. While they’re waiting, kids can crawl on saddles or ride the quarters-only toy horse. Beware though, partner-this isn’t bargain shopping.

Antique Mall

BEST: Lovers Lane Antique Market has the all-around highest quality items, best service, and best reputation in town. Lovers Lane has an exceptional selection of Staffordshire. Majolica, and Imari. All of the booth operators are friendly, informed, and gracious-they even offer refreshments. 5001 W, Lover’s Ln.

Place to Find a Hidden Treasure

BEST: Love Field Antique Mall. Collecting anything from Coca-Cola bottles to dish trays? This is the place to go if you enjoy a challenge, you want to find a good deal, and you want to dig. 6500 Cedar Springs Rd.

Video Games

BEST: FuncoLand sells new and used video games for nine systems and has a store inventory that exceeds 2,000 games. Prices range from 39 cents to $70. FuncoLand also sells the game systems-both new and used. In the Preston Forest Shopping Center and other locations.

Place to Take a Jeune-Fille Shopping

BEST: It’s not the Champs-Elysee, but the Esprit outlet will put you in the right mood for shopping with even the pickiest of little girls. You’ll find sizable discounts on sizes for infants to teens. On a recent visit, very cute sweatshirts and dresses for a 2-year-old were priced at $10 each. Look for the S5- and -under bins, and get on the mailing list tor sales. 2425 McKinney Ave.

Gifts for Avid Hunters and Fishers

BEST FOR FISHERMEN: Orvis has reasonably priced flannel shirts, a huge assortment of 6shing hats, books on “flytying,” waders, gloves, and even a chalkboard at the entrance noting die fishing conditions at different lakes in the area. 10720 Preston Rd.

BEST FOR HUNTERS: Collector’s Covey in the Highland Park Village. There’s an impressive collection of paintings and sculptures commissioned by artists like David Drinkard, plus great gift items for hunters like original picture frames, bar glasses, and John P. Cowan T-shirts.

Place to Buy Conversation–Starting Neckwear

BEST: For tastefully funky ties, try Tie-Coon Trading Company. They carry Vicky Davis, a brand that features “Turned On,” a tie with a giant light bulb. They’ll special order from New York if you don’t find what you’re looking for. 4015 Villanova St.

Place to Buy Jeans

BEST: To find the pair of jeans that fit just like the ones you should’ve stopped wearing three patches ago, try Wearabout. You can’t: miss it- there’s a giant Levi’s logo on the outside. “Recycled” Levis cost only $29 while other new jeans with brand names like Calvin Klein arc also for sale. 5710 W. Lovers Ln.

Inexpensive Wedding Presents

BEST: From S12 vases to silver to dinnerware, The Pottery Bam is full of original ideas for a young couple’s home. (Tip for the newly engaged: Recently, the Pottery Barn installed a computerized registry.) 3228 Knox St.

ALSO GOOD: For those who are bored with giving towels and place settings and butter dishes, the place to shop is The Silver Leopard. An entire rack is devoted to silver gift ideas with surprisingly low prices. Check out the huge selection of Limoges boxes for an extra-spe–cial gift. 4100 Oak Lawn Ave.

SERVICES

Shoe Repair

BEST: Allow a week for service, but at Deno’s in Highland Park Village you won’t have to pay more to restore your shoes than they cost originally, The ever-dependable Deno’s restored a pair of beat-up boots for only $19-a bargain in that neighborhood.

Place to Buy a Suit-In a Hurry BEST: One happy customer tells us he was dashing to the airport to go to a relative’s wedding, when he stopped at The Men’s Warehouse to buy a new suit. He had 40 minutes until his flight at DFW Airport. The salesman found him a suit, altered it, and had him out the door in minutes and within his budget. By the way, he made the flight! 8239 Preston Rd. and other locations.

Manicures

BEST: At Nails by Joann, manicures are $18 and pedicures are $30, but it’s worth it! After all the filing and clipping, they rub your hands, arms, and feet with warm lotion and then put your hands in hot: mitts. They have all the new nail polish colors for the season. 4412 Lovers Ln. and 12801 Midway Rd.

Alterations/Tailor

BEST: Amy Robb in the Preston Royal Shopping Center specializes in custom-made wedding. bridesmaid, and debutante dresses. But she does alterations on all types of clothing.

Place to Pamper Pets BEST FOR DOGS; Heading out of town? JD Kennels sends a van to pick up your dog and takes Fido to Royse City where the pooch can catch a Frisbee, swim, and play with other dogs, all for only $10 to $12 a day. Other costs include $8 for pickup and delivery, and a $15 grooming fee. #1 Daniels Rd.

BEST FOR CATS: Cat Connection, a specialty store and spa for cats, offers feline exercise rooms, cat boarding (not like skateboarding), and day of beauty for kitty. 14233 Inwood Rd.

Old-Fashioned Watch Repair

BEST: Prank Mosso, a Brooklyn native with the accent to match, has been repairing watches since 1949. And he’s good at it. But the best part about taking a watch to Mosso is getting to talk to the master craftsman- so much fun that time just flies. At Palazzo’s, 4532 Belt Line Rd., Addison.

Cleaners

BEST: D.D. French, Opened by French himself in 1959, this dry cleaners is now run by his daughter. Prices are moderate to expensive, but they can get out virtually any stain and there won’t be any lingering chemical odors. They not only recycle metal hangers, but the plastic that covers the clothes. 4113 Lomo Alto Dr.

Way to Handle Kid Gloves BEST: When white, over-the-elbow kid gloves became stained with tobacco on a D Magazine photo shoot, we needed expert help. Avon Cleaners brought the gloves back to pristine perfection while keeping them seductively soft. The price? Just $12. 4347 Lovers Ln. and 6301 Hillcrest Ave.

Place to Buy New Carpet BEST: Carpet Mills of America works exclusively with their own contractors and holds an escrow account on each job in case any problems arise. The salesmen are extremely knowledgeable and the stores carry a wide selection. They’re priced slightly higher than other places, but we’d rather go with a reputable company that can back its workers-it’s worth the money in the long run. 5960 Alpha Rd. and other locations.

Perk for Downtown Workers BEST: Neiman Marcus, the Sultan of Service, offers same-da)’ free delivery to your downtown office. Orders must be placed Monday through Friday before 1:30 p.m. and are delivered between 3:30 p.m. and 5 p.m. So if you snag your hose at lunch, but have an after-five cocktail hour, don’t worry-just call 741-6911.

Reweavers

BEST: Highland Park Weave in the Preston Royal Shopping Center, which used to be on Knox Street but recently moved, does a great job on frayed sweaters, cigarette burns, torn pants, etc. You won’t be able to tell where the damage was and the prices won’t burn a hole in your wallet.

Fix-It Place

BEST: Young Kwun, owner of New Asia Art Shop, can repair just about anything-china, lamps, porcelain, even earrings. 5637 Lovers Ln.

Florist

BEST; Ever since “Junior” (Marcelo) Villanueva (formerly of Zen’s) opened Garden Gate early last year, his reputation for creative designs and beautiful presentations has remained intact. A $35 mixed arrangement was delivered in wrapping that was just as lovely as the flowers themselves. 2811 Routh St.

Way to Avoid Central Construction

BEST ON THE EAST SIDE: Homer is a street well known to Dallas cabbies and M-Street inhabitants as being fairly free of stop signs and completely free of speed bumps. It will take you from McCommas Boulevard all the way south to Fitzhugh Avenue.

BEST ON THE WEST SIDE: Boedeker meanders from Park Lane south to the SMU area with only two traffic lights-at Northwest Highway and Lovers Lane. It’s a great bike route, too.

Facial

MOST LUXURIOUS: If you’re in the mood to be pampered, go to the Crescent Spa. After you don a fluffy hotel robe, your face is treated to a full hour of wraps, steaming, and moisturizing. A great way to relax in the classiest of settings. 400 Crescent Court.

BEST ALL-AROUND: Linda Gibbs is gentle and nice; by the end of the hour, you feel completely relaxed. Her botanical products (Pevonia) are worth investing in and are only found in a select number of salons. 5492 La Sierra Dr.

Native Tongue

Hungry for a taste of home? San Antonio-style Tex-Mex hunters are out of luck here, but new Texans from elsewhere may not be-although some fondly deified foods haven’t transplanted without some translation. File these, then, under Availably Authentic.

MAINE LOBSTER: Newport’s, cooked to order plain-steamed, mesquite-grilled, or as you like it. In The Brewery, 703 McKinney Ave.

NEW ORLEANS GUMBO: Plausibly enough, New Orleans Seafood Parlor dishes up a fine, thick version laced with Creole’s restrained piquancy. 3115 Live Oak St.

NEW YORK PIZZA: Carmine’s Pizzeria takes you back to Fourteenth Street with the real, thin thing, served by the slice through a sidewalk window in true Big Apple walkabout style. 1701 N. Market St. in the West End.

CHICAGO PIZZA: Pizzeria Uno does deep-dish magic for Windy City exes in Far North Dallas. 4002 Belt Line Rd., Addison.

PHILLV CHEESE STEAKS: Well, uh, so at Chip’s it’s chicken, not beef-but the rest is classic, from crisped roll to grilled onion and bell pepper bound with a melt of Monterey jack. 4501 Cole St. or 4530 W. Lovers Ln.

LOUISIANA ETOUFFEE: Dodie’s Seafood Cafe has the right, deep-flavored combination-dark roux, light piquancy, simmered-to-paste vegetables for thickening, crawfish added at the fast minute, rice on top. 2129 Greenville Ave.