Friday, August 12, 2022 Aug 12, 2022
94° F Dallas, TX


By Chris Tucker |

Dear Bob:

In a word, fabuloso, baby! You took that PrimeTime Live report and stuffed it back down their golden throats! Lots of backs being patted down here at Damnation Central (including yours truly’s), but 1 keep telling them that all we can do is send you the material. You’re the one who’s got to work the magic on those needy hearts and troubled minds. And, baby, nobody in the organization does it better than you. Needless to say, the Boss is ecstatic. He’s talking awards, promotions, giving you torture privileges over your enemies, the works. Here’s a copy of what’s going in your file:

1. The Persona: Year in and year out, youare the supreme master of what our scholarscall The Divine Idiot Paradox. Your TV persona (which is all that matters) is so goofy,so trite, so utterly devoid of learning,sophistication or thoughtfulness, that yousimply must be for real! That’s the beauty ofthe Divine Idiot con. A real fake would takepains not to let his takery show, but you havemade a career out of being unabashedlygreedy, superficial and smarmy. So you mustbe the real thing.

The human intellectuals love to cluck and fret over your success. Oh, they simply cannot understand how what they call a free, educated, enlightened society can swallow your nonsense. They think that because they are modern, they are immune to the idiocy and errors of their ancestors. But we know there’s always a market for what you’re peddling. We are driven back by the apostles of Reason in one century, but we retreat to the shadows and wait. The wheel turns round, and our time comes again. Today, their supposedly “enlightened” society is riddled with every type of superstition, from voodoo to horoscopes to auras to race worship to belief in universal human goodness. Amid this army of charlatans, you seem almost respectable.

2. The Facts: Who cares? Okay, Prime-Time Live scored some hits. But I almost feelsorry for them. Their story, like the dozensof other attacks on you over the years,pointed out that you live in obscene luxury,you overstate the money you give the lessfortunate, blah blah blah.

So what else is new? All that’s been obvious for years. Anyone who could be turned against you by facts and photographs of your posh homes wouldn’t be following you in the first place. You thrive because, in order to evaluate evidence, humans must set aside their emotions and use their minds. But after a generation of TV (praise it!), most can’t or won’t. That’s why the sheep don’t object when your unfortunates reenact their alleged suffering on television. You don’t just tell people about suffering; you show us the impoverished couple picking up cans by the highway! It makes for good TV, and that’s what they understand. They have lost the capacity for irony, Bob. That’s why they don’t even blink when they hear you, the telegenic star of a slickly produced TV series, say, “In a moment, I’m going into my prayer chapel and humble myself.” Humble yourself-on TV? Great stuff!

Above all, Bob, your rebuttal worked because you followed the cardinal rule of our political consultants: Always attack the messenger. Most of your followers already hate those arrogant windbags in the press, and these exposes only fuel a backlash that helps you. So sock it to ’em. And hey-we loved your bit about Satan infiltrating the atheistic media, etc. As if we could stand those schmucks long enough to infiltrate!

3. The Envelopes: Bob, socko stuff onthose prayer requests they found in thedumpster. That was their magic bullet, theirbest visual, and your damage control was excellent. You came right back with the equally powerful image of you not just prayingover those requests, but lying, physically lying on the piles of letters, and writhingaround on them until the ink rubbed off andgot into your bloodstream and gave you adisease! That’s genius. Bob! Even soundssort of scientific. The Lord of the Flieshimself couldn’t have topped that.

4. The Legal Threat: Ooooh, I’m trembling! We can get affidavits from 10,000people who’ll swear on a stack of Bibles thatthey love you and would never dream ofquestioning your integrity. But beyond the legal eagling, Bob, the spirit of the age is on our side. We will talk rights, Bob, because that is what people understand today. People have a right to comfort, a right to hope, a right to joy, and you are merely the vehicle by which they exercise that right! Will the godless bureaucracy deprive the people of hope? Not while Bob Tilton is on the air!

5. Tongues: One of the best parts of theact, Bob. As long as I’ve been watching, Ican never quite guess just when you’ll be”possessed” (no pun intended) and startbabbling away. Some of the younger devilswould love it if you could work in some rock’n’roll sounds now and then. They suggest”boom-shakka-wakka-wakka,” “a-wap-bappa-lubop,” and maybe “sha-na-na-na,sha-na-na-na-na.” Go for it.

6. The Purpose: Unlike some of ourfailures. Bob, you have never forgotten thePrime Directive of our enterprise: to spreaddoubt and division everywhere, to temptthe humans into error, and, above all, tokeep them from thinking clearly about theirown spiritual lives. That’s why all of hell rejoiced when Pat Robertson denounced you. Nothing produces skeptics and atheists faster than a nasty fraternal squabble between religious leaders. Praise confusion and discord! The Boss is not called the Father of Lies and the Old Deluder for nothing.

We have worked for centuries to develop the most efficient, foolproof plan for inflicting maximum misery on humankind. We always have an opportunity because of their naive belief in leaders; they simply must have some adored figure up there on the podium to make it ail simple and clear for them. Yes, some few will tune you out while the media mosquitoes buzz around your smiling face. But things will get back to normal after these investigations fizzle. People will continue to buy hope from TV, where they buy everything else. And best of all. Bob, there’s a new freshman class every year.

Eternally Yours,

B. L. Zebub, director of media outreach

Related Articles



Where Have You Gone, Johnny Madigan? Remembering the Mythical Blue Sox
By Chris Tucker


Campaign ’88: Who can win? Who can govern?
By Chris Tucker