PARTING SHOT

Hey, you’re a lively group tonight! (applause, whistles) I want you to meet a remarkable guy right now. You’ve seen the statues and bought the T-shirts. You’ve probably gone to a party dressed in one of those hot Egyptian costumes that everybody’s wearing. But now it’s time to meet The Man himself. He was a military leader, a great visionary, and a god. And hey, he had his own house and his own harem while he was still a teenager! (giggles, whoops) Anyway, the Great Gatsby and the Great Gretzky better look out, ’cause here’s the real Great One. Please welcome your favorite Pharaoh and mine, Ramses the Great!

(Ramses enters as band strikes up theme from Exodus. Ramses scowls at Doc. Music dies away.)

Johnny Carson: Welcome. Gee, you look so much younger than your mummy. I’ve seen it when we were in Egypt, and I swear you look about the same age as Ed. (Ed guffaws) Of course, he uses a different kind of embalming fluid! (crowd breaks up) Anyway, I’ve been looking over your bio here, and you’ve had an incredible career. I mean, you were commanding armies when most of our kids are watching Porky’s V. And those monuments! Let’s see, we’ve got a clip to watch here, don’t we? Yeah. Now that’s a tomb. You won’t see one of those over at Perpetual Acres, I’ll guarantee you.

Ramses: Thanks, Johnny. It’s a good feeling to know you’ve left something behind you, something that will last. But I couldn’t have done it, and I mean this, without a lot of little people, the folks who don’t get twenty-seven-foot statues and cities named after them. I’m talking about all those great slaves who were out there pulling for me all those years, (blows kiss to camera) Guys, wherever you are, I love ya.

Carson: I know you’ve got to get back to Fair Park. You’re doing, uh, six months out in Dallas, huh? Super gig. And don’t take anything off Big Tex, okay? Listen, I have to ask you one more thing. We had King Tut on the show recently-nice young man-and of course, the rumors always come up. You were really the top Pharaoh before they dug him up back in ’22. Any problems, any jealousy between you two?

Ramses: Johnny, I have nothing but respect for Tut. We’re both incredibly busy these days since the whole Egyptian thing took off. But say we’re in Paris, say his exhibit closes a day before mine opens? You bet I’m coming in a day early to catch the show and al least get out for a drink. In my book the guy defines class. Every inch a Pharaoh.

Ted Koppel: Forgive me, Mr Ramses, but you’ve had some relatively easy cream puffs tossed your way this evening. If I may, I’d like to probe more deeply into some areas you may not be so comfortable discussing. Granted, you had your military successes, though as we’ll hear later, scholars are deeply divided over your strategy at the Battle of Kadesh, and there are those who believe that only a massive public relations campaign converted that one into a victory. But what about-

Ramses: Ted, I’m really glad you brought this up-

Koppel: If I may, just let me finish my question and you’ll have your say. I’d like you to address the questions of human rights abuse and anti-Semitism raised by your sixty-seven-year reign. If you loved those Hebrew slaves so much, why didn’t you, as the saying goes, set them free?

Ramses: Ted, I could have you covered with scorpions! (takes deep breath) You Americans are so insensitive to other cultures’ values. Why must everyone follow your narrow notions of freedom and dignity? Our building projects-and I was definitely the public works Pharaoh-gave our slaves a sense of worth and purpose that their miserable, ephemeral lives would never have had without me. I tell you. when people are putting in a solid twenty-hour day hauling five-ton blocks of stone, you don’t have drugs and crime in the streets!

Geraldo Rivera: It’s been said that the Egyptians were absolutely obsessed with preserving the body against the ravages of time with their massive mortuaries and their obscenely expensive tombs. But for him, it worked! He is back! I want to warn America’s young people not to watch our next sexy, scary show, Tuesday at 4 on CBS, because we are going to share unholy communion with the real King of the Dead, Ramses! Next on Geraldo!

Oprah Winfrey: I’m dying to talk about your family. A hundred children! What about quality time? What about diapers? But first, what about Moses? He came to you one day, out of the blue, talking about Yahweh. the Hebrew God. Now you and Moses had been close. Tell us-what were your feelings at that moment? Shock? Betrayal? Rage?

Ramses: Oprah, I don’t want to get into personalities here. Let me say that Yahweh has been a first class deity over the past few millenia. (applause) But let’s see this thing in context. I’m a god too, remember. I’m not chopped liver. So here comes this new god on the block, and he’s talking about taking several thousand very productive, work-oriented slaves off to some wilderness, which is not my idea of a good return on my investment. It’s easy to play the 20-20 hindsight game, but when there’s blood in the Nile and those damned locusts are everywhere, things aren’t always so clear.

Morton Downey Jr.: Hey. stone face, I’m talkin’ to you! Unzip it, you fascist! I know your type and I spit on you! You sit there on your pedestal and refuse to talk to my audience? (Mort! Mort! Mort!) So they named a condom after you! Big deal!

Phil Donahue: Ramses, the British poet Shelley wrote a famous poem called “Ozy-mandias,” the Greek name for you. He took some shots, didn’t he? He describes your broken statue lying in the sand. Then he quotes the words on the pedestal: “Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!” I guess he’s saying even the great conquerors are eventually forgotten. Ironic, or what?

Ramses: Phil, irony is just too subtle for most people, which is why these clever poets don’t have six-month exhibits in Fair Park and people lining up for hours to hear them read their precious little ironic poems. The point is he was wrong, Phil. That was just one statue out of hundreds. The world adores and remembers raw power. When enough time passes, people will stand in line for Hitler exhibits and wear Hitler T-shirts. At-tila and Julius Caesar are remembered, not the legions of nice, ordinary folks. You don’t see statues of leukemia volunteers.

Carson: I really wish we had more time. These are some heavy thoughts-Ed, wake up! Any final words, Pharaoh?

Ramses: I like the line about the Ark in the Indiana Jones movie. The guy says, and don’t quote me, “We’re just passing through History. The Ark is history.” Me too. I’m History, and-

Carson: I’m afraid we’re history too, Ram. Gotta go. Next time, Don Rickles, Don Ho, Don Johnson, Kelly McGillis, and the Amazing Kreskin. Good night!