THE MIDDLE-AGED BAR TOUR

The Dallas bar scene is vast and varied. There are DART driver bars (off duty, naturally), Serbo-Croat ion bars, and Love Field baggage-handler bars. Also, there’s the Elm Street Point, downtown, which is Dallas’s only crossword puzzle freak bar.

But with the aging of the baby boomers, the real cutting-edge places belong to what we call the Middle-Aged Bar Tour. And what, precisely, do we mean by middle-aged? In this case, simply anyone who appears foolish when he or she attempts to dance. So, commandeering a cab for our aged bones, we set out on this itinerary:

Stop 1: Dunston’s Steak House on Lovers Lane. From the front, this appears to be the mild-mannered steak house that it actually is, but the regulars come through the alley and use the back entrance. The same regulars have been gathering in Dunston’s back room since they were mustered out of service following V-J Day. This is a gentlemen’s club, and the senior membership amuses itself with games of dominoes and gin rummy.

The conversation is dynamically philosophical, with just the right touch of fogey-ism. “Even if oil was at $78 a barrel, this town would still be broke, ” says Lucky Kinnick, a refugee from the old Easy Way who is now ser-geant-at-arms for the backroom gang at Dun-ston’s. “None of these young turkeys knows the first thing about the real estate market. “

Stop 2: The Lion’s Den at the Stoneleigh. Admittedly, the Den has lost some of the grandeur of its glory days in the Seventies, when literally every successful businessman in Dallas was in there with his secretary. But the Den still qualifies as a dark and intimate New York-style drinking establishment.

Stop 3: Joe Miller’s. When Joe died in Decembet of 1986, there wasn’t a dry eye in the place. Not necessarily from sadness over Joe’s passing, but from the ever-present heavy cloud of cigarette smoke and methane swamp gas seeping out of the fish tank.

Joe’s is a politician’s bar. It is here that you can hear legislative candidate Tony Garrett make such declarations as, “Any guy who gets his fingers chopped off on the job isn’t entitled to a nickel. He should have known the job was dangerous to begin with. “

Stop 4: Louie’s. Yes, this is the same bartender supreme, Louie Canelakes of Joe Miller’s fame, now reincarnated as the boss of all bosses at his own joint. It is here that you will meet the crème de la crème, such as it is, of the journalism community, and you’ll witness that bizarre symbiosis that exists between news people and trial lawyers. Typical dialogue: “Hot damn, Stevie. I’ve got a scoop for you. You won’t believe this continuance motion I filed in an easement case this morning. “

Stop 5: Adair’s. This near-downtown beer and burger joint serves as a relaxing alternative to the throngs of the West End and the Mickey Finn action out farther to the north.

Adair’s has the Lysoly fragrance of a rest-room in an old Gloco service station, and a juke box that includes such all-time favorites as “Great Speckled Bird” and “She Ran Off With Buck. ” For Dallas visitors in search of authentic Texana, this place is a must.

Stop 6: Idle Rich. Originally known as the After Hours Club, but in 1954 the Texas Alcohol Control Board suggested a name change might be in order. The Idle Rich is a major hangout for retired Dallas police officers. If only these walls could talk.

By now, the old liver is saying it’s time to call it a night. But the car is back out at Dunston’s Steak House, so the cab ride back is convenient to:

Stop 7: The Doll House. The Doll House is one of the few surviving establishments where the regulars stand around the piano and sing old show tunes. And it’s the only bar in Dallas where the Ethel Merman impersonator is actually female. And with that, to all a good night.