CHASE’S ANNUAL EVENTS

Of the making of many calendars there is no end.”

That’s what the preacher might have said had he seen “The Palish Heritage Calendar,” “The Art of Tibet Calendar,” “The Panda-Monium Calendar,” and the “Hey, Vern! It’s the Official Ernest P. Worrell 1987 Calendar.” But owning that dandy new calendar exposes you to danger: those blank spaces tell the world that you don’t have a lot going on in your life. And so, public-spirited types that we are, we offer some weird, off-the-wall days to remember, courtesy of that fascinating reference book. Chase’s Annual Events. The “holidays” mentioned are real; we’ve added the comments. Plug these into your calendar, and you should look busy and sought-after, at least through January.

January I: New Year’s Dishonor List. Published annually by the Unicorn Hunters of Lake Superior State College, the list is dedicated to banishing overworked, mindless expressions from the language. Examples include bottom line, uniquely unique, let’s do lunch, etc. Really.

January 3: Alaska Admission Day. A day of infamy for all native Texans, a huge block of ice became the 49th and (sob) largest state on this day in 1959.

January 4: Utah Admission Daw. Even worse, Utah became the 45th state on this day in 1896. Osmonds, Mormons, and sand. Also Trivia Day, which celebrates those who hold degrees in uselessology.

January 8: National Joygerm Daw Honors Joygerms Unltd., based in Syracuse, N.Y. They hope to infect “curmudgeons and kill-joys” with joygerm fever. If they’re also responsible for those nauseating “smile” de-cals, may their lungs collapse.

January 9: Sherlock Holmes Birthday Breakfast. Celebrated at the old Algonquin Hotel in New York City and sponsored by the Old Soldiers of Baker Street. Honors Mrs, Hudson, who. as all Holmesophiles know, was the detective’s a) lover, b) faithful housekeeper, c) half sister.

January 18: Pooh Day. Anniversary of the birth of A.A. Milne, author of Winnie the Pooh, The House at Pooh Corner, etc. According to historians, children read these and other books in the old days before television.

January 19: National Clean-Off-Your-Desk Day. Time to dig down through the geological layers of junk on your desk and confirm or dispel the rumor that there is actually a “desk top’ down there somewhere.

January 23: One-Tooth Rhee Landing Day. Observed in the vicinity of all government offices to celebrate America’s “confusion-ist bureaucracy. According to Korean myth, Rhee started the custom of having all government officials wear four different hats so that contradictory job instructions could be followed for each job title.

January 25: Most of us won’t be going to Super Bowl XXI in Pasadena. California. We’ll be watching it on TV. But then, so will the Cowboys.