I am going to share some excerpts from an editorial published a few hours ago by the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. I assure you that I am not making this up. This isn’t some Onion-inspired joke. This is actual writing that was actually published by our neighbors to the west, aka “the unexpected city.”
OK. Ready?
The headline of the editorial—again, I’m not making up a joke headline—is the following: “How Did Rangers Rise From the Dead to World Series? With Classic Arlington Toughness.”
I’ve lived in North Texas for only about 47 years, all of that time in Dallas. So maybe I’ve missed this. Is Arlington known for its toughness? Like, to the point where its toughness has become classic? Is Pantego known for a similar quality that I don’t know about? Classic Pantego coquettishness? Maybe some new and improved Hurst impudence?
I could do this for every town in North Texas. But I won’t. I’ll do just one more: vintage Haslet haughtiness.
From the Star-Telegram: “Even when pitcher Jacob DeGrom turned out to be a bust, the Rangers doubled down, acquiring superstar Max Scherzer. He’s battled injuries, too, but he’s the kind of guy you can expect to see gritting his way through a tough win in the World Series. Those are the kinds of investments, even risks, that took Arlington from sleepy suburb to booming economic powerhouse—and continue to pay dividends.”
Remember when Arlington voted to issue bonds for the ill-fated Seven Seas, a ripoff of Sea World? There’s Six Flags, of course. Is Wet n’ Wild still going? Jerry’s stadium. Choctaw Stadium. Globe Life Park. Did the Star-Telegram confuse “classic toughness” with “lots of theme parks and stadiums”?
The paper continues: “All seemed lost when the Rangers let pivotal Game 5 slip away at the hands of designated Astros villain Jose Altuve. But the Rangers rose up again at a moment when any analyst might have declared them dead, pounding the Astros twice in Houston. Like their hometown, the Rangers are a lesson in spirit and indomitable will.”
I can’t help myself. Here’s more: “Arlington, enjoy your moment in the spotlight, even when out-of-town announcers—and, inexplicably, one of our state’s own senators—throw the glory to Dallas as if city and county lines don’t exist. Get ready to celebrate. We won’t jinx it by talking about where and when the big party should be. But there should be one, win or lose. And heck, if the Rangers finally win the World Series after all these years, it’ll be so exciting, even Dallas should come along for the ride.”
By all means, if the thing happens that the Star-Telegram said might happen, then have the parade down North Collins Street, in Arlington, right past the Hooters and the Chik-fil-A, then the Wingstop and the Raising Cane’s and the Buffalo Wild Wings, which is right before the Popeyes. That right there is a classically tough parade route.
But listen. I shouldn’t be taking shots at the Star-Telegram or Arlington or anyone else but the Astros. Like the paper said, this is exciting. We’re all on this ride together. So let’s buckle up and enjoy it. Because there’s no public transportation in Arlington, and when you get there, the good parking spots cost $35.
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