The city of Dallas faces a host of serious problems: lack of affordable housing, a shaky pension fund for cops and firefighters, a line of inequity drawn roughly along I-30, a permitting office that runs on TRS-80s, an inefficient public transportation system that was built on outmoded ideas, climate change, and Zeke Elliott’s insane contract. But you know what’s more important than all those concerns? Christmas Sweater Day at City Council.
Every year at the last Council meeting before the holiday break, (most of) our elected city officials engage in a sartorial scuffle to determine who has the most Yuletide style. Hanukkah chutzpah and Kwanzaa drip, too. No one was brave enough to cover this event until I came along in 2017 and started dropping bunker-busting fruitcake truth bombs on 1500 Marilla. I am here to serve.
With that preamble, let’s get to everyone’s favorite annual tradition: the big reveal of the Wick Allison Memorial Most Christmasy Christmas Sweater Worn on Dallas City Council Christmas Sweater Day AwardTM.
Chris Caso is the Dallas city attorney. Fun fact: he replaced a guy named Larry Casto. That would be like if the next editor of D Magazine were named Bill Rogerts. Wild, right? What are the chances? As slim as they are, I guess they’d be greater than the chances of getting Caso to wear a dang Christmas sweater on Christmas Sweater Day. The dude sits at the horseshoe. I don’t care if you’re not actually elected to sit there; you still represent Dallas. I plan to file a lawsuit the minute I finish this blog post.
Carolyn King Arnold never participates in Christmas Sweater Day. I don’t know if she’s an atheist or a spoilsport or a vegetarian or what. It’s not my place to judge her, so all I’ll say is that she’s headed straight to hell. (I’m kidding, of course. She’ll probably just be subjected to the cleansing fires of Purgatory.)
When Jehu came to Jezreel, Jezebel heard of it. And she painted her eyes and adorned her head and looked out of the window. And as Jehu entered the gate, she said, “Is it peace, you Zimri, murderer of your master?” And he lifted up his face to the window and said, “Who is on my side? Who?” Two or three eunuchs looked out at him. He said, “Throw her down.” So they threw her down. And some of her blood spattered on the wall and on the horses, and they trampled on her. Then he went in and ate and drank. And he said, “See now to this cursed woman and bury her, for she is a king’s daughter.”
That right there is 2 Kings 9:30-37. From the Bible.
Jaime Resendez served his country by doing a year in Iraq with the U.S. Army. That sign on his chest says “Support our first responders.” Let that be a lesson to councilwomen Willis and Arnold. Go fight in Iraq. Then you’ll have a force field around you that will make it impossible for me to make fun of the strange dog attached to your shirt, which is most definitely not a sweater.
Councilwoman Paula Blackmon has me conflicted. On the one hand, she is my representative, and today she wore a wild getup to draw attention to the desperate need to dredge White Rock Lake, which is a pet cause of mine that I bring up probably too often on this blog. Thanks in part to her efforts, the Council today approved a dredging engineering services contract of just under $1 million. She’s holding a basketball, because that’s an object one is likely to find floating in the lake. Attached to her getup, which is meant to be Bonnie the Beaver from White Rock Lake, are a plastic spoon, plastic bags, a (presumably) empty pack of cigarettes, and other trash. On the other hand, her getup is not only not Christmasy, but it is not a sweater. It’s a onesie from Buc-ee’s. I will say that again. An elected representative in Dallas, a major American city, wore a gas station onesie to work today. Which is dumb. And wonderful. As I say: she has me conflicted. In the end, though, despite her admirable effort, this ain’t Christmas.
Tennell Atkins wore a good, solid, traditional Christmas sweater. There’s a hearth and a stocking, and it fits. Fist bump.
Jaynie Schultz didn’t wear a sweater. That’s a sweatshirt. And it looks like she borrowed it from Ray Felton.
Casey Thomas’ sweatshirt [sigh] says “Let’s get cracking,” and it depicts a nutcracker (obscured by the laptop). Last year, he didn’t even try. So I want to be supportive. Good job, Councilman Thomas!
You know the HBO show White Lotus, the one with Armond the hotel manager who goes off the rails and snorts ketamine and (spoiler alert) takes a dump in a guest’s open suitcase? Paul Ridley looks like an older version of Armond. Maybe it’s just the mustache? Anyway, his sweater has a T-rex wearing a Santa hat.
Jesse Moreno’s sweater is homemade. I like that. It says “All I want for Christmas is tamales.” But here’s the deal: as I pointed out last year, Moreno is in the tamale business. If that’s all he wants for Christmas, he can ask his staff to make him some tamales. Or he could sell his hair to buy a watch chain and then give that watch chain to his staff in exchange for tamales. But what if they sold all their tamales to get him a gift certificate to Sephora? These things can be tricky.
Omar Narvaez last year won theWick Allison Memorial Most Christmasy Christmas Sweater Worn on Dallas City Council Christmas Sweater Day AwardTM. He is absolutely dedicated to Star Wars and, in particular, The Mandalorian. Have a better look at his sweater on Twitter. You can’t tell from this pic, but he had a Mandalorian figure on his desk at the horseshoe. If the universe were fair, he’d at least be a runner-up this year.
Adam Bazaldua wore a string of lights around his neck and a sweater that says “Light it up.” Why would you wear a hat on a hat?
Eric Johnson as Darth Vader sitting at the center of the horseshoe, likely running unopposed for a second term as mayor of Dallas because Anna Casey died, and Michael Hinojosa decided he couldn’t swing a light saber without her? Bit too on the nose.
Chad West is a soccer fan. He’s wearing a sweater bearing the logo of Dallas’ 2026 World Cup host city bid. And he’s wearing a Christmas hat. The Christmas hat tells me he didn’t have confidence in his sweater. I, too, share that lack of confidence. But I am totally into the World Cup, so West is the second runner-up in the 2022Wick Allison Memorial Most Christmasy Christmas Sweater Worn on Dallas City Council Christmas Sweater Day AwardTM. (BTW, Dallas will get the final match. Just a hunch. You heard it here first.)
Y’all, this is crazy. In any other year, Cara Mendelsohn would be the clear winner of theWick Allison Memorial Most Christmasy Christmas Sweater Worn on Dallas City Council Christmas Sweater Day AwardTM. Here’s a closer look at the message she put on her custom sweater. It says “There will be an article written by D Magazine about this ugly sweater happy holidays Dallas!” It blows my mind. I know we only just last week figured out nuclear fusion, but Councilwoman Mendelsohn has already used that energy to time travel. She nailed it. BUT! Her sweater bears a run-on sentence. She forgot the period after “sweater” (and, for those copy editors at home, the comma after “holidays”). Real shame. Councilwoman Cara Mendelsohn is the first runner-up in theWick Allison Memorial Most Christmasy Christmas Sweater Worn on Dallas City Council Christmas Sweater Day AwardTM.
We have our winner!!
Adam McGough used a photograph of your correspondent from circa 1987 to fashion this sweater (with help from his wife). Here’s a closer look at the photo of me wearing suspenders in junior year of high school. When I say I am humbled, I mean it. But I am also honored. And also a little bit turned on, like I just did a rail of ketamine.
Initially, I thought this sort of behavior from McGough shouldn’t be encouraged. The bald-faced appeal to my ego is a reprehensible ploy that undermines the entire institution that is theWick Allison Memorial Most Christmasy Christmas Sweater Worn on Dallas City Council Christmas Sweater Day AwardTM. Shame on McGough!
But then I thought: hell yeah. An elected official at one of America’s largest cities wore my face to work. I am just like FIFA giving the World Cup to Qatar. The 2022 winner of theWick Allison Memorial Most Christmasy Christmas Sweater Worn on Dallas City Council Christmas Sweater Day AwardTM is none other than the representative from District 10, Councilman Adam McGough!
Next year, I will accept Venmo.
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