Rick Perry Has a Plan For North Korea

“Hey, Chuck — you got a sec?”

“Anything for you, RP.”

(muffled) “Fantastic. Now, as you know–“

“Why are you covering your mouth?”

“Because I’m saying secret stuff, Chuckwagon. Anyway, as you know, North Korea has declared war on Texas.”

“That seems like a pretty broad take on the situation, Ricky.”

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought *I* was the President of Texas. I didn't realize you had take n my place. I guess I'll collect belt buckles and sudoku books and clear on out."

“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought *I* was the President of Texas. I didn’t realize you had taken my place. I guess I’ll collect my belt buckles and sudoku books and clear on out.”

“OK, OK — fine. Jeez. Continue.”

(muffled) “Anyway, like I was saying. North Korea’s got it out for us, Chucktaw. So, what I need is for you to go over there and Delta Force that situation. Or Delta Force 2 or Lone Wolf McQuade. Whatever. It’s up to you.”

“You, uh, know those are just movies, right Ricky? I’m just an actor. I can’t go over there and command a strike force.”

“…”

“Ha, just messing with you. I’m GTG.”

“GTG?”

” ‘Good to go.’ Sorry, just watched Bachelorette last night on Netflix. Trying to work that into my rotation.”

(muffled) “Ah, ok. I’ll put that on my Instant Queue. Anyway, let’s meet your team. Fellas?”

“Reporting for duty, sir!”

(muffled) “Glenn?”

“I told you, I’m sick, man.”

“JESUS CARVING A CHRISTMAS TURKEY, GLENN. GET YOUR GEAR ON AND GET UP HERE RIGHT NOW.”

“Okkkkkkkkkk, fine. I’m ready.”

“And, of course, you know the last member of the team. Say hi, Griff!”

“Hey, guys.”

(muffled) “So, what do you think, Chuckleberry? I’m code-naming you boys The Expendables.”

“The what?”

“Dang it, Griff — make sure seat backs and tray tables are in an upright and locked position. It’s just a GD name.”

"Anyway, troops, I got to skedaddle. Thor here needs to shake the dew off his lily and I've got my krav maga after that. Sing me out of here, Chuck Stop."

“Anyway, troops, I got to skedaddle. Thor here needs to shake the dew off his lily and I’ve got my krav maga after that. Let’s finish with our theme song, Chuck Stop.”

“It’s cold beer country/110 in the shade/An iced tea won’t cut it/And neither will lemonade/I need a cold Budweiser on a bar stool/And a jukebox by my dear/Singing cold beer country/Cause it’s cold beer country round here!!!!”